20 Things I'd Rather Talk To My Tinder Match About Than My Career
Ambition can be a serious turn-on, but let's get real: No one likes to talk about work on a first date.
Try to keep your office talk within the walls of your office. A conversation about your job will never blossom into anything substantial, and instead, will leave that cute match of yours snoring at the table.
For me, my career can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to trying to meet new men.
I opt to list my profession as a sex and dating writer on my Tinder profile, aiming to use it solely as a branching off point in conversation. While I'm by no means an "expert," the fact that I write about the taste of semen while everyone else crunches numbers in cubicles tends to interest the average person.
That being said, gentlemen tend to assume things about me just because of my line of work. Guys think that because I write about sex, all I want to do is have sex. Specifically, with them. (As if instead of "sex and dating writer," my profile says "prostitute.")
Something in their heads sees the word "sex" and assumes that the sole reason I'm on Tinder is to fuck people I meet for the sake of a story (which is literally the opposite of how I operate).
When I'm not dodging comparisons to fictional sex writers Carrie Bradshaw or Andie Anderson, I'm convincing guys that I don't have Taylor Swift Syndrome: They're under the impression that I'd only go out with them for a story's sake, and if things were to go south, the first thing I'd do would be write a nasty 1000-word article in which I brand them the worst person in the world.
Instead of the batch of men eager to act as sexual conquests in my articles, they're hesitant to go out with me because of my career.
Basically, I can never win. I've yet to date someone for an extended period of time who lands in that middle ground of curiosity and acceptance.
As I continue to swipe, I have to come to the conclusion that there are plenty of other things I could discuss that would grab the attention of any potential suitor. I can save the "sex and dating" bomb for further down the road, and instead, bring up so many other points (20, in fact) that are just as interesting as my career.
1. Translating feet to inches
I still feel blessed that I escaped high school math unscathed, so since finishing my education, I only use numbers if necessary.
Try to convert anything higher than twelve inches into a foot and you've lost me. The only time I use a ruler is to measure my penis.
2. The legacy left by Serena van der Woodsen
"Gossip Girl" fans, hear me out. Blair Waldorf may have left a mark on the Upper East Side, but there's no one who will ever compare to everyone's favorite "It Girl," Serena van der Woodsen.
Despite the helicopter rides and frequent visits to Bendel's, there was always something about her that seemed all too relatable. High class suited her well, but being bad looked even better.
3. Fake movie theater cheese that accompanies pretzel nuggets
Sure, it tastes great when combined with overly salted dough, but imagine consuming it outside the walls of a sticky cineplex. Chances are that oozy, neon yellow substance is melting your insides, and could melt a chain-link fence, too.
4. The impact of "One Tree Hill" and its shooting episode
I could probably pen a full-length novel on the entirety of "One Tree Hill" and how it greatly impacted my psyche as a young teen.
From all nine seasons of life lessons, I believe the biggest takeaway came in the form of season three's school shooting episode.
Its power, capturing so much life, love and loss in forty minutes, will infiltrate my dreams until the end of time.
5. If people actually still purchase DVDs anymore
Hopefully the FBI doesn't swarm my apartment by admitting this, but I watch bootleg movies regularly. I don't remember the last time I bought a DVD, let alone stepped foot in a Best Buy or any other electronic store.
My money is better off spent on things of value... like Seamless and one-off hot yoga classes. You know, stuff that really soothes the soul.
6. How to not burn yourself with matches
The amount of times I've burned my fingertips in an attempt to light my sugar cookie-scented Yankee Candle is embarrassing.
Frankly, I still question why the wooden death traps still exist in the first place. Lighter or bust, people.
7. When Netflix will learn that I am indeed still watching
I can't tell you how many times I've been in the midst of a full-season binge before being rudely interrupted by the streaming service's automated message.
Yes, I am still watching and no, I have no intention to put on pants either. Any other questions?
8. If sloppy joes could ever not be so sloppy
Typically, I find it hard to say no to heaping piles of sauced meat, but there's just something about the sloppiness of a sloppy joe that deters me from consumption.
Maybe it's my inability to embrace mess, but I would love if someone could develop an ingredient that would make the middle school hot lunch meal just a lot less... well, sloppy.
9. Why black is such a flattering but depressing color choice
Check out my closet and you'll see obsidian, midnight and about fifty other shades of black floating around on hangers.
There's something about the dark material that presents me with a slim figure and also assists others in realizing I'm in a horrible mood and I'd prefer not to be touched.
10. Trump's atrocious presidency thus far
Hilary Clinton forever. 'Nough said.
11. Celebrities who seem to never age
Jennifer Aniston. Paul Rudd. Kate Hudson. Will Smith. The list goes on and on.
All I want to know is: Can I have what they're having?
12. Tequila's long-term effects on the human body
I am made up of cheese raviolis and Jose Cuervo.
My tequila consumption is probably on the unhealthy side, and while I may not be able to remember my weekend activities after a few cocktails, I have this innate feeling my liver may be in need of a replacement in the next few years.
13. How women manage to walk around in heels
I can barely walk around Central Park in running shoes without cramping up, so shout out to all you ladies who regularly float six inches above the air.
A man would never be as masterful at stylizing torture devices for your feet.
14. Why the dad bod wins over abs any day of the week
I can't say I wouldn't throw myself on top of a shirtless man and his sculpted six pack, but there's something more genuine about a guy flaunting his dad bod.
Average dudes just tend to come off more respectful, and, to be honest, probably won't run away from me as fast as someone who's extremely fit.
15. The perfect filter for an Instagram
Being able to liven up a mediocre photo is a skill not everyone is gifted with. Gone are the days of XX-Pro and Valencia ruling the world; instead, serious effort is required in order to garner likes and deem your account successful enough for "Instafame."
Do you make the cut?
16. Do blondes actually have more fun?
I may have bleached the front of my hair blonde in third grade, but otherwise, I'm a natural brunette. Sorry to break it to you blondies, but I'm a pretty damn good time.
17. Nicki Minaj and her "assets"
Rumors have circulated that the rapper's backside is filled with silicone implants, but I think people are just jealous.
Real or fake, everyone should bow down to Ms. Nicki and those buns, hun.
18. Will we be alive to witness teleportation becoming a real thing?
Being able to travel around the world at will sounds great and all, but I think it needs to come with a mandatory gym membership.
Otherwise, the only place you'll find me teleporting from is my bed to my refrigerator.
19. La Croix's impact on the seltzer industry (and my life)
Who knew carbonated water could make me feel soooooo cool?
20. How much Taco Bell is too much Taco Bell?
I would eat a Cheesy Gordita Crunch every day for the rest of my days if I could. The limit does not exist.
And if you want to take me to Taco Bell on a date, you might as well propose right then and there.
It's a match.