Being in a couple is f*cking weird.
Being in love is dope, but you definitely start doing some creep-ass stuff once you reach peak comfort levels. I mean, you're basically spending a lot of unfiltered time with your best friend, whom you also have sex with.
For those of you who have ever wondered just how weird your weird habits are, you're not alone. We're all a bunch of freaks where it really counts.
For example, I like creepily smelling my boyfriend's beard. And not just when we're in private, guys. Like, all the time. On the subway, at the movies, wherethefuckever, I'm a-sniffin'. I like the way it smells. But I gotta do it all dramatic. Like a dog. I'm living my life, OK?
I also pop all of his bacne. I make him sit still and pop every single one of his giant back zits. THE PUS OOZES. I probably wouldn't even date him if he didn't have such a glorious spread of pimples for me to pop.
He complains and is all, "G, dooooon't!" But he takes his shirt off and sits still while I do it. We both know he likes it.
Here are 16 real, brave stories on the weird things couples do on when they're alone together. Cry, LOL, and get some ideas of your own.
Some couples create unusual handshakes to show their unique love.
My girlfriend and I touch tummies instead of giving high-fives.
-- Chloe, 22
And others break out to the music.
We air-band the 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' theme song every time it comes on (her on guitar, me on drums) as if it would not play if we didn't air-band. No matter what is happening we drop everything and do it. I'm like, 'Come on babe, duty calls.'
-- Britt, 25
Occasionally, we hurt the ones we love.
I tickle my boyfriend until he cries.
-- Ashley, 28
And of course we have to groom them, too.
Have you ever noticed couples spend a lot of time grooming one another, like monkeys at the zoo? When my boyfriend and I are headed to work, I pick lint out of his beard while he lets me know about any nose danglers. We like to point out whenever the other person has a dandruff situation, too. Another popular question: Have you showered? You should shower.
-- Lea*, 25
I pluck his stray ear/eyebrow/nose hairs.
-- Molly, 25
Couples who gym together stay together.
We go to the gym together. He's basically my personal trainer. He kills me on leg day.
-- Marc*, 27
Couples who poop together stay together. (Same thing, right?)
My ex and I both had really sensitive stomachs, so we bonded over our never-ending need to poop. It got so bad that we would make it a habit to text each other about our 'poop statuses' every time we had to go to the bathroom. I guess he's my ex for a reason … right?
-- Bella, 24
And obviously anyone who feeds you is a keeper.
When I am drunk I crave tacos so much so that despite shoveling tacos in my mouth, I scream at my boyfriend, demanding he give me more food. To which he has to remind me I am currently eating. This happens every weekend. Every time.
-- Ashley, 25
But then there are those who are horrible, like these folks.
We talk in baby voices to each other. All the time. Like, legit baby talk. It's so awkward. I wish his friends could see.
-- Hannah*, 25
I had a friend once who would only talk in third person with the girl he was going out with. Their conversations were like this (names obviously changed): Gary*: 'Does Lucinda* want to see a movie tonight or just take it easy at home?' Lucinda: 'Lucinda could go either way, depends on what Gary feels like doing.' Gary: 'Lucinda and Gary stay at home then!' It was awful. She also got engaged to some other dude a month after they broke up and is now on her second marriage.
-- Eitan, 26
I'd take this robot thing over the third-person bullsh*t in the above, TBH.
My boyfriend and I often communicate in robot sounds when alone, mostly 'beeps' and 'boops.'
-- Ali*, 23
And these voices are just awesome.
While most couples will talk in baby voices, my boyfriend and I talk in accents about 90 percent of the time we're alone with each other. Mostly Southern, but sometimes we'll branch out into Boston accents or British accents too. No matter the accent, I know it's weird AF.
-- Kate*, 28
These two are both in the military, madly in love, and still weird AF. God bless America!
We inspect each others' uniforms and make sure each other's boots are super shiny. LOL, military love. This weekend he got me a little pendant that fits behind my dog tags.
-- Patrick, 25
If you're in love, you should sing it from the rooftops!
We sing a lot. Both popular songs with the lyrics changed to be about our relationship and just weird tuneless ditties about what we're doing. We have a fantasy pet pig and have spent hours brainstorming the perfect name for him. ('Ralph Piggums,' in the end.) We refer to each other like we're talking about someone else, like, 'Did you hear that I love my boyfriend?' or 'Did you know I have this really awesome girlfriend?'
-- Emily, 32
On any given occasion, [my SO] and I will burst out into song, but only in the style of Eddie Vedder (regardless of what song it is).
-- Celine, 25
If you can share your bodily functions, you're meant to be.
We were friends for years before we even started dating, so we have legiterally (my new word) been farting and pooping in front of each other long before we fell in love and got married. We'll have epic fart wars in bed and while I scream at him because his farts are lethal, he whispers in my ear, 'Shhh, let it happen' as I retort with an even louder fart. All the while, the dog's face is priceless.
-- Lucy, 26
Please, join the freak party in the comments. What weird things do you and your SF do that would make anyone else think you're lunatics?
*Name has been changed.
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