If you're a living, breathing human being (which -- and I don't want to make assumptions -- I'm going to guess you are if you're reading this), you probably have a butthole.
I know. You've been trying to forget about it. Buttholes are not very appealing. We're made up of way more attractive body parts that we'd all rather focus on -- our hair, our eyes, our teeth and even our goddamn feet are more appealing than that mysterious, dark dot that none of us, except for any unfortunate men who get way too deep into doggy style, have really ever seen. Or really want to.
Buttholes are the largest of elephants in every single room in which a conversation has ever taken place, since the beginning of time until the end of time.
The fact that every single person on earth has a butthole is something we all know, something we are all cripplingly aware of but refuse to talk about, ever -- especially in the context of love and romance.
When you embark on a new relationship, having a butthole is the last thing you want to have. You want to have great conversation, wonderful sex and worthwhile interests in common. All of these things simply leave no room for buttholes.
But I'm here to tell you that acknowledging the butthole is imperative to the success of your relationship. And no, I'm not talking about trying anal, because that's just... that's just a whole other thing.
I'm talking about embracing the fart. Loving the fart. Acknowledging that your partner has a butthole and from that butthole come farts.
I'm not going to pacify you with that joke about how "girls don't fart." You, reader, are better than that. You know girls fart. If you fart, so do girls.
I feel like it's weirdly progressive that I'm a woman and I'm talking about farts, but it shouldn't be. Farts are f*cking hilarious. The day farts stop being funny is the day humanity dies.
Besides being funny and natural, farts are vital to the success of any relationship. The first time you fart in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend is akin to your first great bang session, your first "I love you," and your first child.
There's nothing that says "You're the one" quite like leaning to one side, squishing your face up a little bit and releasing a flow of dank hot air. I'm serious.
Farts show you're comfortable.
If you're comfortable enough to fart in front of your boyfriend, there's truly nothing you can't do in front of him.
You can cry in front of him. You can get into a fight with him, and you can call his sister a b*tch, and all of those things will pale in comparison to the comfort it takes to let your butthole explode in front of him. That's some serious, serious comfort.
That's the beauty of farts, folks. They prove that anything is possible.
Farts show playfulness.
I've only ever heard of one instance in which a girl threw up when her boyfriend dutch-ovened her. That's it! Just one!
Other than that, every fun couple knows that there is much joy and laughter to be had when farting is a staple part of the relationship.
Forget laughing at funny movies together. Laughing at farts is where it's at.
Farts create inside jokes.
If you embrace the fart, you and your boyfriend can slyly joke to each other about all the good memories you've created from farting.
The best part about these particular inside jokes is that they really, truly are inside, since you can't really "explain" that time you farted mid-orgasm to anyone else who isn't your boyfriend because that's just embarrassing. Only you and your boyfriend have that level of comfort.
Inside jokes that involve farting create that wonderful layer of secret, private intimacy to your relationship.
Farts show you have nothing to hide.
It's important that you show your true colors in a relationship. If there's no honesty or transparency, there can be no trust, and without trust a relationship will surely flop.
Therefore, if you fart in front of your boyfriend, you are loudly and proudly proclaiming that you are human -- hear you roar -- and that you're unafraid to hide your humanness. And if you're unafraid to hide your humanness, you must be unafraid to hide anything.
Farts are sexy.
I get it. You're currently telling me that I'm insane. But hear me out for a second. What's sexier than embracing everything -- yes, even his farts -- about your partner?
Think about how you feel when you see your boyfriend after the gym, when his skin is glistening and when he smells like body odor and salt.
Isn't that rawness so hot because of how naturally human it is, not in spite of it?
Think about how you feel when your girlfriend wears no makeup and you still think she looks beautiful.
Doesn't her beauty at least partially come from the fact that she's allowing you to see her like that, in her natural, human state?
There's nothing sexier than raw, uninhibited, stripped-down personhood, than sharing in the most private of private moments with your partner.
Haven't you ever stood in a bathroom and looked in the mirror at the two of you brushing your teeth at the same time? Haven't you ever actually showered together (no, not as a euphemism for sex)? Now that's intimacy.
When you love someone, you have to love every single thing about that person.
You have to love your boyfriend when he's rocking a suit and tie at your wedding and when he's drunk on your couch playing Call of Duty with his stupid friends.
You have to love your girlfriend when she buys you your favorite beer and when she does her nails in the living room while gossiping loudly with her annoying friends.
You have to embrace every flaw, every idiosyncrasy, every irritating habit. And that includes every fart.