A Butthole Manifesto: Why Anal Sex Should Be Reserved For The One

Anal sex is a pretty touchy subject. I mean, I think we can all get a little touchy at the prospect of having our buttholes touched, no?

Butt stuff is certainly having its moment in the sun. It has surfaced from the shadows of the taboo, underground, not talked about sexual practices and into the mainstream media.

We are out there in the open, showing our assh*les to the world.

There is a lot of hoopla out there on the Interwebz about butt stuff. Everyone is into the booty these days; whether it is a rim job or straight up anal, it's like everyone is trying on butt play for size.

Let me just say, ladies and gentlemen: The following article is not meant to anal shame. I'm all for anal. I'm super about the consensual insertion of objects in and around all bungholes.

If that is your thing, you get it. You do that anal. Have all the up-the-butt action you want. If you're down with the booty, you get that booty.

I just think a certain number of issues have not been addressed to my satisfaction, and they need to be for the sake of humanity.

The following is a manifesto of sorts. A butthole manifesto.

Not to be anal, but this is a cry for a little more care when it comes to anal. This is a call for some more responsibility.

Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce to you the term “husband hole,” a phrase of my own creation to serve as a colloquial term for the 2015 female who is not trying to have her assh*le pummeled by a boy she is casually dating.

I'm not saying you have to wait to explore the glories of butt sex until you're married. I'm just saying your husband hole is reserved for long-term relationships. It just is.

[I'm still waiting to hear back from Urban Dictionary per my request to have “husband hole” added. If you're reading this, curators at @UrbanDictionary, please add “husband hole.”]

I think we can all agree, ladies, there is nothing casual about getting it up the ass.

Look, butt sex is a lot of f*cking work. It's not some easy thing. It's not like you dudes can just be like, “Hey, can I put it in your butt real quick?”

No. It is a mission. It takes a lot of effort and preparation on the part of the female.

“Oh, you want to put it in my ass? Cool, fam. Let me just go get a quick enema.”

Uh, what?

There are a lot of safety measures that go into anal sex. The process needs to be handled with caution, and I have a feeling that somewhere between sexual freedom and a few Drake lyrics, the understanding has been lost.

There is a clear disconnect that needs to be bridged. Someone has to do it. I volunteer as tribute. You're welcome, girls.

Men, when did anal become foreplay? Seriously. I'm over it.

ANAL SEX IS NOT AN APPETIZER.

Taking it in the ass is not the equivalent to having tapas at the wine bar, you f*cks. Blowjobs don't come with a side of ass.

I once had a guy ask me to do butt stuff after a month. I was so taken aback. I couldn't help but think: Wow, is this actually what dating in 2015 has come to? Because that makes me want to throw up.

“I had some casual anal last night.” --Said no female ever.

Men! When the f*ck did you think it was okay to try and pluck my ass cherry without a commitment? I'm not going to give you my assh*le when you won't even be my boyfriend.

No breaching my back bits without a commitment. You think I'm going to rely on you to be careful with my ass when you can't even handle a date? GTFO of here.

You don't deserve my ass cherry without putting a proverbial ring on it, bitch.

You feel me, girls?

As the fabulously informative, lesbian community-oriented site, AutoStraddle puts it: “The only barriers I want when I have anal sex are safety related.”

While I do agree with this, I would also add another keyword: The only barriers I want when I have anal sex are safety and TRUST related.

Your butthole is your trust hole, my friend.

Your butthole is your husband hole, and it does not deserve to be handed over without a lot of give on your man's side.

And I don't mean give as in giving your butthole the D; I mean he needs to wife you the f*ck up before you agree to do anal.

My fellow, beautiful, intelligent females: You do not need to have anal sex to make a guy like you.

It is not normal to have that guy “you're kind of talking to” ask to put his dick up your buttonhole. He does not deserve that, and you sure as sh*t (sorry) are not obligated to go there.

I am all for female empowerment, but we all know anal sex is more for the benefit for your partner than it is for you.

With gay men, it makes perfect sense. The anal region is a huge erogenous zone for guys. They have anal on the reg, and their buttholes become accustomed to that kind of action. Good for them!

As one of my glorious and talented fellow lifestyle writers put it: “Taking a sh*t is a completely different experience for men than it is for women. Trust me.”

Women are not just throwing stuff in their butts willy nilly. We need to prepare for that sh*t… like with an enema and a two-day fast.

It's truly two days' work just to prepare to have anal sex. As far as I'm concerned, that kind of effort is reserved for my boyfriend.

My husband hole is not going to be a glory hole for dudes that I'm just hanging out with. If you're not going to make this official, then we both deserve to have an orgasm.

Men, who do you even think you are? For real.