If You Don't Pop Your Partner's Pimple, It Isn't True Love
There's something about popping your significant other's pimples that makes your love feel real.
Forget going on your first date, having sex for the first time or meeting each other's families -- the only milestone that matters in your relationship is that moment when you're finally allowed to touch your partner's naked skin and squeeze that beautifully ripened white pus mountain to expel all of that glorious bacteria and blood.
Don't for a second act like you don't think that's the most gratifying thing you've ever heard.
Eventually, after losing your pimple popping virginity to each other, you and your partner start doing it everywhere: in the shower, in bed, in the kitchen while cooking breakfast or even at a party, after you slipped away from the crowd because you were simply too horn... I mean, too distracted by the size of that zit -- to function.
Nothing can stop you guys now.
You're a couple of pimple-popping professionals.
Popping your partner's pimples doesn't merely release a whole bunch of that sticky, opaque yellow goo; it also releases all of your undying affection for each other, right out in the open.
It's a wonderful reflection of your relationship, of all the ways you and your partner show your immense love for each other.
It's the ultimate metaphor for uninhibited, unfettered romance.
It shows you're willing to do anything for your partner.
The act of popping your partner's pimples is a declaration of how far you're willing to go to make your partner happy.
It shows you'll do anything for your partner, even if that thing is somewhat unappealing or undesirable.
There's nothing you won't do to show your partner how much you care and to make sure he or she is satisfied and free of problems, whether those problems are related to dissatisfaction with a job, a brutal fight with a best friend or, yes, a breakout.
When it comes to making your partner smile, nothing is off limits to you.
It shows you don't care about being gross together.
When you're in a relationship, it's easy to forget your partner is a human.
In fact, it's easy to forget you're a human, too, which means neither you nor your partner is immune to farts, morning breath or zits.
We all have gross sh*t we have to deal with (figuratively and, well, literally), so what better way to show your partner how much you trust him or her than by revealing all parts of who you are, including and especially your human side?
Having permission to pop each other's pimples does exactly that.
And, hey, why not take it a step further and forget to use your Clearasil for a day? Give your partner the true gift of your humanness in the form of a massive 7th-grade-style breakout you guys can conquer together!
Talk about overcoming challenges in the relationship.
It shows you value having little secrets.
Great relationships are filled with lots of inside jokes.
And there's nothing like a secret inside joke to keep things exciting, especially if that secret involves the pleasure you derive from annihilating each other's Mount Rushmores.
Laughing at things only the two of you understand or referencing situations only the two of you know about -- like that time a massive cluster of white sh*t went flying onto the bathroom mirror after you pinched a ripe one -- keep your relationship special and unique.
It's not that you care if others will judge you for your weird habit, however, in this world of excessive self-disclosure and oversharing on social media, you like keeping those private pimple-popping moments private.
It shows you enjoy taking care of your partner.
We might be human, but at the end of the day, we're also animals that need to eat, seek shelter, raise young and groom our loved ones.
Popping your partner's pimples allows you to take part in that natural, animalistic grooming process.
Just like you might go shopping for your boyfriend's shirt or tell your girlfriend what perfume you like best on her, you can pamper your significant other by clearing up his or her skin.
After all, that's the ultimate way to help your partner look his or her best.
It shows you bond in unique ways.
Activities like watching a movie, going to get ice cream or cooking dinner together are too conventional for you and your partner.
Sure, you might engage in those activities -- and even enjoy them -- but your relationship is unlike any other, so your preferred method of bonding is in a way that reflects your uniqueness. And that means by popping each other's pimples.
Who needs a three-course meal at a five-star restaurant in New York City? Who needs a fancy vacation to Turks and Caicos?
All you need to have a good time is a little elbow grease and a couple of fingers that just won't quit.
It shows you're comfortable enough to release your inner self.
We all know what happens when pimples are popped: The pressure from our fingers creates a teeny tiny hole out of which dead white blood cells emerge and overflow onto the surface of our skin like lava from a volcano.
In other words, when a pimple is popped, our literal inner selves are released.
Similarly, you can't have a real, loving relationship without revealing your inner self to your partner.
You can't be comfortable with someone who doesn't know what your insides look like.
You can't fully confide in someone who only knows what you're like on the surface.
A successful relationship is one in which both parties know everything about each other, in which both parties can differentiate between the image their partners project to the world and who their partners really are inside -- blood, pus and all.
It shows you're vulnerable enough to let someone scar you.
Sometimes, when you squeeze a zit, it can leave a scar.
Sometimes, when you let people in, when you allow them to get to know you inside and out, they can hurt you. They can leave you.
They, too, can leave a scar.
But love isn't love unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person.
Even though it might be scary, and even though it might eventually damage you, you know it's worth it to feel that closeness, to fully open yourself up to another person -- and to have clear, radiant skin.
Who knew all of this could come from popping pimples?