How You Want Your Ex To Feel After A Breakup, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

by Rosey Baker
Good Vibrations Images

Whether you hope they die in a fire or wish for their eventual decline into eternal loneliness, everyone has some idea of what they hope will happen to their ex after a breakup.

What we want to happen to our exes is usually a sign of how we hope they will feel, and comes from a belief that they feel nothing... because if they did, how could they have ever left us?

This is how you hope your ex will feel after a breakup, based on your zodiac sign.

Aries- Like a useless sack of shit.

Most Aries avoid breakup pain by skipping the grieving process and jumping right into bounce-back mode like they're the living impersonation of the "Rocky" montage.

That being said, they can only hope their ex will immediately lose all motivation to live, let alone love again.

Mostly, you just hope they get debilitatingly fat, while you fuck everything with a pulse.

Taurus- Like an on-call rescue worker.

Taurus is the kind of psycho who will empty-threaten a hunger strike if their lover leaves them. They want to make sure they're taken care of, worried about and fussed over long after the relationship is through.

By the time you meet someone new (literally two weeks later), your ex will wonder who left who.

You were calling them a week ago at 4 am crying -- and now you've completely moved on.

Gemini- Bored, forever.

You've probably already decided to move on with your life by shaving your head and getting a septum piercing, not to mention filled your calendar with trips to Coachella so your Instagram looks lit AF.

This way, your ex will realize they have dumped a walking birthday party, someone who filled their lives with fun and meaning, and now they have nothing and no one.

Cancer- Confusingly horny for you.

Cancers are the first sign to come on with a full-fledged attack of unsolicited, artistically lit nudes sent directly to their exes.

Your goal is not only to make them miss you, but to make them feel like they've made the biggest sexual mistake of their lives. Be careful, though.

This can come off as aggressively needy.

Leo- Like they were never worthy of you to begin with.

You're posting pics of yourself after every single workout, in front of every single sunset and littering your social media with every social outing you go on.

Finding the best-looking people they know and snuggling up with them for a selfie is Leo's way of saying to their ex, "You just broke up with a celebrity. I'm going to lap you in every aspect of life, both personal and financial, forever."

Virgo- What ex? You're fine.

Virgos do not do well with feelings.

Emotions are not their forté. In fact, you are too busy planning how to coldly split up your possessions and drop them off at your ex's office to even think about them ever again.

Although honestly, in the dark of night, you lay in bed and hope for their absolute demise. You hope they are sad forever and that they never find happiness with anyone.

You also hope they lose whatever confidence they once had in themselves.

Libra- If they don't miss you, they'll miss all their belongings.

Because there is no way in hell you will be giving them any of their shit back. In fact, you will be blocking them on every form of social media so they won't even have the audacity to ask.

You are a Libra, the sign of partnership, and you treat every relationship as if it were a marriage. What happens when marriages fail? You inherit half of their belongings. It's the least they can do to settle the score.

Scorpio- Regretful of the day they were born.

Scorpios do not like rejection.

They do not take kindly to being told to fuck off, even if it's coated in honey. Basically, if your ex is gonna leave you, they'd better change all their passwords first and block you on all their social feeds, because you will make it your life's mission to destroy any chance they have at future happiness.

Oh, and they better not even think about dating someone else. You will find their new love, move into a van outside their home, pose as a CIA informant and tell them they're dating a murderer.

Sagittarius- Jealous of your life.

Sagittarians are most likely to respond to getting dumped by booking a trip to the Caribbean like they were longing to be free forever.

You do this because in some small way, you probably were, and also because it's always nice to take all the feelings of superiority out of someone when they thought they were the one who was unhappy.

Capricorn- Like they've disappointed their parents.

You were the perfect partner: stable, rich (or soon to be), dependable and loved by the parents.

But now you're reaching out to those parents before your ex even gets a chance to, thanking them for welcoming you into their lives, and expressing your regret that the relationship didn't work.

It definitely doesn't hurt that you're setting up the situation so your ex's parents are asking, "Whatever happened between you guys? How could you let her go?" for the rest of his goddamned life.

Aquarius- Wondering why their life is falling apart.

Aquarius, sure, on the outside you appear to be emotionally detached, and even somewhat cool and collected.

But on the inside, your mind is a REVENGE CIRCUS, spinning with ideas about how to secretly ruin your ex's life.

You will find a way, and your ex will never see it coming. Pretty soon, they'll realize their string of bad luck began when they left you, and will come crawling back begging.

Pisces- Hoping they feel terrible for you.

Pisces is not above faking an injury, or jumping in front of their cab if they happen to see their ex on their way to work.

It makes no sense, but because Pisces cannot resist someone who is desperately needy, they think the rest of the world works the same way.

The more pathetic you make yourself look, the faster you'll guilt your ex into coming back to you.