I Was An Ugly Duckling In Middle School, And It Still Affects Me

Nobody knew my name growing up. I was always known as "so-and-so's friend" and that ate me alive.

My friends were beautiful, skinny Asian dolls and I felt like a short, fat freak next to them.

I can't deny that I was jealous. I wanted to be the one who guys liked. I wanted to be the pretty friend.

Instead, I spent my whole life relating to the "ugly barnacle" story on "Spongebob."

All I wanted to do was blend in and not be noticed at all. I'd rather be nothing than be ugly. But I stuck out.

Hitting puberty before everyone in my grade didn't help either. It was traumatizing as a kid to not only feel fat and ugly, but also to have boys trying to look down your shirt every time they think you're not looking.

I could never feel safe from the torment if I didn't feel safe in my own skin.

I could never feel safe from the torment if I didn't feel safe in my own skin.

But, over time, and with the help of women like Nicki Minaj's suberb ass and the realization that Drake does, in fact, like thick women, I'm finally happy with the body I have.

Some women pay mad money to get boobs and a butt, and I was just lucky enough to be born with both.

But that doesn't mean I'm completely comfortable with the way I look.

I have "ugly/fat days" seven days a week. I hardly ever leave the house without makeup on because it makes me feel better about the way I look.

And almost everything that comes out of my mouth is a self-deprecating joke.

Because if I laugh at myself first, then it means I'm laughing with everybody else, right?

I can see why this would be irritatingly frustrating to people who aren't me. Nothing is more annoying than a girl who whines about how ugly and fat she is as a way to fish for compliments.

But I'm not fishing. I don't want to argue with people who don't agree with me about my insecurities. I joke because I'm being facetiously self-aware about them.

While I wish I felt like a bad bitch every day of my life, I can't just pretend that all of those hurtful words I heard as a kid didn't cut to the bone.

These days, I can look in the mirror and see something different, but inside, I feel the exact same as I did growing up.

It's not easy to date when you live your life in self-doubt. It's hard to muster up the courage to meet new people when you don't feel confident enough.

It's not easy to date when you live your life in self-doubt.

When guys compliment my looks, I could easily smile and say "thank you." But instead, my automatic reaction is to cringe and make a face.

And when guys actually do like me, I think they're joking. It's like I'm in middle school all over again and at any moment, they're going to admit that it was "a dare."

Trust me, it's more infuriating for me than it is for the people around me. Nobody wants to feel shitty about themselves. But being bullied for the way you look isn't something you can just let go.

I wish people would quit telling me that "I'm hot now, and that's all that matters," because it doesn't.

So, stop telling me I need to take the compliment. Quit saying you wish I could see me the way that you see me. If you knew what I had been through to get where I am, you would understand.