Whenever I hear about a young person getting married, I can't help but be worried for them.
You should date wild, bizarre, hot-but-toxic characters, whom you should definitely never marry. You know, the sexy, narcissistic whack-jobs that make you feel these heavy feelings, but you know in your gut they're too unpredictable to be with for the long run.
When I look back at my UNPREDICTABLE, adventurous life thus far, I'm so grateful I screwed around with the loons in my 20s. They taught me about what I want, what I don't want, great sex, terrible sex and what deal breakers are so bad, they're worth neglecting a great sexual connection for.
So, my single kittens who are filled with fear because your besties just got engaged, take a big sigh of relief. Your bestie might have a sparkly diamond and a puffy dress to wear in six months, but you get something, too.
You get to go on the journey of dating these 10 toxic prototypes that will sprinkle some glitter on your dull love life, teach you epic lessons and make you a better lover in the long run:
1. The hot idiot
Oh, you know all about the hot idiot, don't you, honey? The one with the gorgeous eyes, the honey-colored skin and the body cut from marble.
They're so insanely HOT that, for a moment, you actually think they're bright... until one day (usually when you introduce them to one of your intellectual friends), it hits you: holy shit.
Not only is this beautiful creature not that smart, they're actually really stupid.
You're struck with a case of sudden repulsion syndrome and can't stand to be in their vicinity.
Beauty means nothing. Real sexiness is cerebral.
Lesson learned: Beauty means nothing. Real sexiness is cerebral.
2. The "artist" trust fund baby
We all date that one "artist" who lives in a 5,000-square-foot loft in Brooklyn and is just so FORLORN and TORTURED and TALENTED.
They smoke world-class joints all day long and splatter paint across a canvas. Really sophisticated stuff, you know?
At first, you really believe in their talent because they believe so much in themselves that they trick you into thinking they're God's gift to the art world.
But one morning, as you get up to go to your actual job, you gaze at their drooling, sleeping body and think, "Ew."
Resentment sweeps through your bones. You have to slave through an eight-hour work day, and they just get to sleep all day? Not on your clock.
Lesson learned: You will resent someone who doesn't work as hard as you do.
3. The fuckboy/fuckgirl you initially think is charming
When you're in your 20s, you're in a constant mega-battle with your self-esteem. You shift from feeling like the hottest thing since sliced bread to the scum of the earth in a minute.
This is why you're vulnerable to the fuckboy/fuckgirl who makes fun of you constantly. "Oh, they're funny!" you think to yourself, at first. "After all, I do have big thighs."
Then, you're suddenly full of rage. You think to yourself, "Wait a minute. Am I dating someone who makes fun of my thighs? Who the hell does this bonehead think they are? They're lucky I even looked in their direction!"
Lesson learned: Assholes aren't charming; they're assholes who suck.
4. The life of the party
Oh, the club promoter who everyone wants to be friends with because they get you into the best parties, score the best drugs and are just so FUN!
That is, until you realize they're wasted all the time, and because you hang out with them so much, you're wasted all the time.
And that's not the life you want for yourself. You try to hang out with them sober, but you keep getting lured into dimly-lit nightclubs, where supermodels are hunched over in bathroom stalls, putting that toxic white powder up their noses.
And suddenly, you realize the party was fun, but you're sick of it, and you're sick of that person, too.
Lesson learned: All parties must end. It's time to go home, and you don't want to go home with the glorified drug dealer.
5. The selfish screwball that only YOU can save
We all have that one person (hopefully just one) we meet, who is damaged, sad and broken, but we think we were put on Earth to rescue them.
This is our heroic moment, where we neglect our own needs to save the life of a beautiful, lost soul.
We stop talking to our friends, we neglect all of our interests and all our entire energy is channeled into saving BAE.
But we quickly realize bae doesn't want to be saved, and we've wasted six months of our time on a person who likes to be sad. And for the record, they've never once asked us how WE feel.
You can't always rescue someone, no matter how much you wish you could.
Lesson learned: You can't always rescue someone, no matter how much you wish you could.
6. The "artist" you always end up paying for
This prototype is exactly like the rich "artist," only they're broke.
You end up paying the bills because you support their creative ambitions. Plus, they seem cool, and you feel really cool dating such an ARTIST.
Until one day, you realize you've never once seen a piece of art they've created, and suddenly, you're repulsed by them and never want to see their lazy, oily faces ever again.
Lesson learned: You have to create art to be an artist. Otherwise, you're probably just a glorified, self-important stoner, who calls themselves an artist.
7. The toxic lover you fight with, but have brilliant hate sex with
This one probably cuts into your soul the deepest and is the hardest to shake.
There is always that one person you fight with dramatically and incessantly. But you mistake your tempestuous dynamic for lover's passion because your fights always end in mind-blowing SEX.
You mistake your tempestuous dynamic for lover's passion.
But you realize it's not real passion. You're addicted to the chaos, but you're sick of that life, baby. You walk the fuck away and never look back.
Love is built on respect, not on drama.
Lesson learned: Love is built on respect, not on drama. But you learned a lot about how to have great sex, a coveted skill you'll bring into your next relationship.