Unless you're not a fan of colorful NSFW material, I can only assume you've seen the latest viral video of men using fruits to demonstrate how to give women an orgasm.
No? Well, you can watch it here. (And when I say "not safe for work," I mean NOT SAFE FOR WORK. K?)
Now, if there is one thing I gathered from this video (other than enough traumatic nightmares to last a gal a lifetime), it's the fact that men apparently have no f*cking idea how to navigate a vagina.
While the central focus of this video is on fingering (but who actually knows, because I spent three-quarters of it hurling), I'm not about to go back to kindergarten and cover the basics of finger banging.
Watching this horrifying display of male ineptitude caused me to have a PTSD flashback to all the times I've gotten horrible head.
I shudder to recall a time when a guy was going down on me and decided to give me an actual nibble. Like, buddy, it's a vagina, not corn on the cob. Chill the f*ck out.
I had a different guy wildly impale me with his nubby fingers with such force, you would have thought my vagina were made from chainmail.
But how are you supposed to say anything when homeboy sucks at eating pussy? The closest we get to male vaginal education is a f*cking video where a bunch of losers finger blast tropical fruit! Come on. It's 2015!
Look, I get it, okay? We're already a little embarrassed to want cunnilingus (and to ask for it, goddammit) in the first place, so it's a whole other challenge to want to improve your man's skills. What if you embarrass the sh*t out of him, and your clit never sees a tongue again? GASP!
But, ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. I am here for you. I hear your plea, and I decided what we needed was some good old information.
So I gathered some bonafide sex experts to give us the much-needed skinny on improving your man's oral sex game.
Not all ladies are the same, and neither are our lady bits.
One of the common mistakes guys make is thinking all vaginas are the same. But this is not the case. Each one is like a snowflake: beautiful, complicated and exquisitely unique.
The key is LISTENING to what your partner wants, fellas.
"Guys, what works for your last partner isn't necessarily going to work on the new one. Take notice of her verbal and nonverbal cues,” says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure.
You need to be open-minded to feedback if you expect to deliver the big O. "If your partner tells you to change it up, take it as a way to make sex even better, rather than criticism,” says Lorrae Bradbury, sexpert and founder of the sex-positive brand Slutty Girl Problems.
Ladies, tell your partner what feels good. Let him or her know that the circles he's doing with his tongue are working for you by MOANING and sh*t.
And don't be too critical if something isn't working. Considering this is a sensitive topic (and area, HOLLA!), try sticking to words of encouragement rather than being straight-up rude.
As Levine tells ED:
Bradbury suggests bringing up these areas for improvement while also acknowledging the things you like about your sex life:
As we all know, men have the egos of 14-year-old girls. As much as cold, hard honesty can be a refreshing and lovely thing, it's probably best to keep that sh*t uplifting if you expect to get buddy boy's head down south again.
Improving the oral game takes patience, understanding and practice.
Men, watching porn for an obscene amount of time is not going to offer you the proper tools on how to give proper head. Bradbury tells Elite Daily:
As we've previously discussed, you need to get your head out of your ass and ask her what she wants. And if she isn't sure, Levine says to listen to her bodily and vocal cues.
Something to keep in mind: "Don't dart your tongue like a lizard. Kiss, caress and suck with your lips."
In other words, don't act like you're having a seizure. Just focus on one area.
Also, while all women are different (REMEMBER, WE ARE BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKES!), Levine also suggests this one for the fellas:
If you're feeling fancy, don't hold back.
If you want to change it up and keep oral sex interesting and intriguing, go for it.
"We often think oral sex is all about the tongue, but you can use your lips, teeth and fingers to give pleasure, too!" Bradbury tells Elite Daily.
But remember to listen! Do what she wants and listen to what is working.
When in doubt, THE CLITORIS IS YOUR SAVIOR.
Boys, you don't need to perform some black magic on the vagina to secure an orgasm. It's not the mechanical woodchopper that Belle's dad takes to the fair in "Beauty and The Beast." There isn't any dire need to do 85 things at once while your face is between our legs, capeesh?
According to Bradbury:
If it is working, KEEP DOING IT. Consistency is a surefire way to get her off.
"Whatever you do, don't stop until she tells you to,” one tried-and-true cunnilingus connoisseur tells Elite Daily.
If you're not sure what to do, just stick to Old Faithful, okay?
"Better to be great at one technique, rather than be awkward at trying to do two simultaneously," Levine says.
We ladies are complicated creatures, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Now, go forth and prosper. Talk to each other, listen and have some fun.