First dates are usually a crapshoot, no matter which way you slice 'em.
Regardless of how much I've talked to guys through texts, there's no amount of preparation possible for when you're finally face-to-face.
What will he think of me? Will he like what I'm wearing? Will I be too short? Should I have left my glasses at home?
But when it comes to dialogue, all those conversation topics and lead-ins you planned in your head are typically tossed right out the window.
I'm a talker myself, and I've suffered through a few bouts of word vomit every so often. But I've learned to try my best to avoid some of the more abrasive topics that may come off a bit too forward when talking with a brand new man.
Here are six important things that should never, ever leave a gay guy's mouth on a first date.
1. What position you are
Sure, I may be pretty curious if you're a pitcher or a catcher, but I'm not going to blurt out that question in the middle of a nice meal.
First off, it's better to keep the conversation basic during an initial encounter instead of yapping on about sex and all the crazy things you've done. I value spontaneity, but I don't actually need to know if you're a top or a bottom until I'm in bed, staring directly at your butthole.
Then, we can talk about positions.
2. All the things you hated about your ex
Even if your date conversation seems to be lacking, try to avoid any conversations related to you, your ex and all of their terrible qualities.
We don't know each other well enough yet, so odds are, while you're listing off traits you hated about your ex, you're going to utter something that I do regularly (like whistling while I pee), and I'm going to be immediately turned off.
The gay community is pretty tight-knit, so odds are I'll probably know any name you throw around in some capacity. I'd rather not listen to you talk shit about someone I could potentially be very good friends with.
So instead, just stay positive and don't show me your whiny side until AT LEAST date three… if we get there.
3. Your entire life story
While I'm curious about your life and all the great things you have to offer, I enjoy a little bit of mystery, too.
Don't allow yourself to get so caught up in conversation that I'm not even able to get one word in. Things will feel extremely one-sided, and you'll look like all you want to do is brag about your accomplishments.
Yes, I'd love to hear all about you coming out and the struggles with your sexuality at some point, but right now, I'm just trying to get a solid buzz going from my margarita.
I'm sure you're a class act, too, but so am I! Take a goddamn breath, and let me tell you about myself, if you don't mind.
4. Your vices
Everyone's entitled to overindulge every once in a while.
Whether you enjoy a few weekday drinks with your boys at the local gay bar, a few puffs from a bowl or bareback sex with a side of handcuffs, I'm not one to judge.
That being said, I think it's best to avoid mentioning any habits you have that could be considered a "imperfection" in someone's eyes.
In my past experiences, just a mere mention of someone's questionable hobby could trigger something subconsciously in a person's brain and act as turn-off for the rest of the date. For example, “Oh, he smokes weed? He must be a lazy piece of shit.”
Sometimes, people can't comprehend how you operate in your downtime and it can lead them to blow you off because of it.
Save those hobbies for a different time.
5. The future
If you wanted to have sex and never see me again, we didn't need to waste money on cocktails first. If you haven't heard, Grindr is great when it comes to one-off fucking.
Clearly, we are on a date, which should mean you're interested in exploring your options. Whether it continues toward a relationship is certainly a question you can ask yourself, but it's better not to make it awkward by asking what I'm looking for.
More often than not, I'm just not sure. A relationship is never the first thing on my mind, but if we vibe, you're smart, funny and have a nice penis, then who knows what could happen between us?
Let's take it one date at a time.
You want to impress me. I'm great; I get it.
Still, you shouldn't stretch the truth about who you are just for the sake of getting me to like you.
Do you think I haven't already stalked all of your social media profiles? I pretty much know everything there is except your social security number.
I'll know what's real and what's made up.
And if we don't work out and vibe well, that's totally fine.
Dates don't always work out how you want them to, and if you lie just to appease me, you wouldn't be able to take back whatever you say. So it's important to be truthful and stick to your guns.
Plus, there's no point in lying because I'll have no problem calling you out on your bullshit if you do.
But if you steer clear of all of these topics, I think we'll get along just fine.