If you don't know me by now, I'll fill you in on a little factoid about myself: I spend way too much time complaining about the downsides of being single, rather than looking at all the upsides.
You guys, there are positives. I know it's easy to get trapped in your head, sing the tune of "woe is me" on repeat and pass out with one hand in a peanut butter jar (or is that just me?). But there's a whole other side to it.
As lonely as I get — and I do get really, really lonely — I'm grateful I don't have to worry about someone else or the problems plaguing him. And maybe that makes me selfish or immature, but I'm willing to accept I'm either or both.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself about all the pleasures of being single. You don't have to deal with things that don't really matter to you. Your stress is literally sliced in half. All you have to worry about is you.
Here are 13 relationship things you don't have to stress over when you're single:
1. Spending time with his friends.
Listen. I have absolutely no patience for people I don't like, and I make it a point not to hang out in their company. So, when I have a boyfriend whose friends absolutely suck the soul out of me, I'm upset I have to spend weekends with them. Everyone knows weekends are precious.
2. Where to go on vacation.
I just booked a trip to Switzerland. And because I am single, I'm going all on my own.
Here's the thing: When you're traveling solo, you don't have to accommodate to anyone else's preferences. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland, so I'm going to Switzerland.
And hey, maybe I'll meet a hot Swiss man. I'd have the last laugh.
3. What to eat for dinner.
I don't know about you guys, but I pretty much live meal to meal. What I mean by that is there isn't a minute of the day I'm not thinking about what I'm going to eat next. And after a long, hard day, I can't have anyone else messing with my #DinnerGoals.
You can cook or go out to eat wherever you want when you're single, and hell, you could even do it alone. And I think that's pretty freakin' cool.
Yeah, I go home to an empty bed every night. But I also never know how my night is going to end. I never know if the hot guy at Starbucks, the gym or on the train is going to talk to me, or if I'll decide to sway from my routine and go out with my girlfriends and meet someone.
You are in control of how your night will end. You are free to bring home whomever you please or cry alone to a rom-com (I low-key love to do that).
You know that thing a guy does when he has a girlfriend, but has a wandering eye and stares at every living thing with an ass and tits? Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Only I'm the girl walking by being stared at, not the girlfriend.
When you're not the girlfriend, you don't have to worry about keeping a dude on a tight leash. So roam free, wild thang.
6. Penis problems.
Erectile dysfunction. Whiskey dick. Take your pick. They all suck, but when you're single, you don't have to worry about whiskey dick because you can always go find another one.
It's like a fun game. I call it "Penis Swap."
OMG you guys. I have never had a boyfriend who didn't snore. The only difference amongst all of them was in decibel. Do you know how amazing it is to not be woken up in the middle of the night from a snoring douche? It's quite amazing, indeed.
I also don't have to share my bed, and that's great if you're a girl who loves her space, like me.
8. Having your privacy breeched.
No need to worry if your guy is going to go through your phone or your sock drawer when you're in the bathroom. Seriously, I've had boyfriends who thought it was OK to go through my underwear without asking me first (WTF?!).
Sidenote: I once read my ex's diary when he wasn't home (whoops), so bonus points because when you're single, you also don't have to worry about getting yelled at for being the snoop.
We all know girls who won't let themselves poop at their man's place. So, my single comrades, poop in peace in your man-free apartment while you still can. POOP. IN. PEACE.
10. Someone eating off your plate.
I LITERALLY HATE when people touch my food. My food is my food. Don't stick your fork anywhere near it. If you really wanted it that badly, well, you should have just ordered it yourself. Here's me when a dude asks if he can "have a bite":
11. Someone else's problems.
Honestly, I have so many problems that I have no idea how I'd take on those of someone else. I think that's one of the main reasons I'm single, TBH.
No, seriously. I have so many problems.
12. Losing your friends.
Because you're too busy hanging out with your boyfriend. I've lost a few great girls to a few less-than-great men, and I miss them (the girlfriends, not the men). I'll never be able to get them back, either, because they're straight on the marriage track. And Lord knows, after a girl gets married, she's really six feet under.
13. Or worse, losing yourself.
And you never want to lose yourself. Because in this crazy, twisted world, you are the only person you can count on. You and no one else.