This year, I made a vow to remain single.
I've spent countless time strung on different men in 2016. Cue the casual hookup, fuckboy and the emotionally unavailable "nice" guy.
When it came down to it, none of these men put in the time or effort to give me what I ultimately deserved.
I was left feeling empty after the hookup, hurt when the fuckboy said he was leaving my house to go to his girlfriend's and disappointed when I was stood up by the "nice" guy.
My heart honestly felt like it shattered into a million pieces when I was out and spotted the last man tongue-tied with another woman.
After I reflected on all of the drunken moments I experienced due to a downward spiral, I knew it was time for a change.
I would no longer drink until I am completely out of control. I vowed to not send drunk texts, and most importantly, no explicit Snapchats.
I have eased into 2017 with a new mindset and hopes for what the year will have in store for me. Of course, I believe in allowing the universe to let my life unfold the way it's destined to.
If someone happens to come along who shows me the love I'm about to describe, then maybe I will reconsider my vow of single-ness.
I'm a sucker for going to brunch by myself. I enjoy a mimosa along with coffee, then peruse the menu. I peacefully savor my meal without having to talk to anyone.
I can go shopping, grab a latte, take a walk, work out at the gym and take photos for my job by myself. I am completely content engaging in daily activities solo.
When I come home, I have an empty bed, a bookshelf overflowing with books, my computer and journal. I have taken more time to write, blog and pray.
The other day I took a candlelit bubble bath and caressed my body while listening to Sinatra. I let the water run down my neck, breasts and stomach, then I took the sponge and lathered it with body wash.
I looked at my shadow along the bathroom wall that showed my messy bun and my body, taking time to enjoy every inch of it. I seduced myself the way I would want a man to seduce me.
I cooked dinner, which is a rarity, because my roommates were gone, and I spent all day cleaning the house.
I poured myself a glass of red wine, turned on music, put the meat in the skillet, chopped the vegetables, cooked the pasta and warmed the sauce.
I made an exceptionally delicious meal to romance myself.
The couple of months leading up to 2017, I kept going over every moment I had with the last guy. I had no idea where it had gone wrong. I couldn't fathom the reason why we finally slept with each other months after the incident, and I didn't understand how he couldn't see my value.
It wasn't until I remembered a conversation we had had that night, after he directly told me he was there with someone else. He said, "I'm chill. I'm just doing me."
Well now, I'm just going to do me too, and quite literally.
At night, I can turn all of the lights off, take off my pjs, run my hands all over my body and enjoy doing myself.
Carrie Bradshaw once said,
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
I know someone will eventually come along who will love me the way I have been loving myself, who will take the time to please me the way I have been pleasing myself and who will listen to my hopes and dreams the way I have been writing them down.
Until that moment, I will remain single because I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve.