25 Signs You've Been Single For Way Too F*cking Long
There is no season that reminds you of just how single you are more than winter does.
The cold makes us more vulnerable than ever before, and we can't help but gawk at couples who bask in their love for each other in front of the ornament-lined streets (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little saying that).
As November winds down and December sneakily approaches, I have come to realize one thing: I have been single for way too long.
It’s been so long that not only do I not remember how to be in a relationship, but I've pretty much given up on finding love. I don't date (unless it's for a story), and I don't fantasize about a white picket fence because that life seems way too sensational to ever be my future.
When you’ve given up on love the way I have, you begin to develop a routine that’s worlds different from the coupled-up version of you, and even from the newly single version of you. The been-single-for-too-long you is a frumpy, frazzled, but fabulous mess, and she owns the f*ck out of it.
Here are 25 signs you've been out of the game for way too f*cking long.
1. You’re pretty much asexual.
Do you even have a vagina? You do? Oh, well it must be broken. Or depressed (à la Charlotte York).
2. The last time you used a razor was 1995.
And you haven’t replaced it because shaving tools are useless (since you get laid maybe once every other month in a good year), and you see nothing wrong in living in all of your hairy glory.
3. If a guy checks you out, you automatically assume there’s something on your face.
That boil on your face disappeared months ago, but your self-esteem is still shot.
4. The only sweatshirts you have are your dad’s.
Thanks for being the only reliable male figure in my life, dad.
5. Taking a nap > going on a date.
6. Every time you look down, you can only see your stomach.
Ben and Jerry are the core foods in your diet, and your feet are nowhere to be found (from an aerial perspective, anyway).
7. While your friends are swiping through dating apps, you're swiping through Seamless options.
And your delivery guy is actually starting to grow on you (romantically).
8. There’s too much Netflix in your life, not enough chill.
(But there’s no such thing as “too much” Netflix, so you’re good).
9. You use the same wine glass over and over.
Because you never have to entertain any male guests unless they’re blood relatives, so there’s no need for more than one glass.
10. The only guys you’re dating are the male protagonists in the shows you watch.
Did someone say Vincent Chase? Yeah, he’s my one and only.
11. You’ve actually looked into sperm banks, freezing your eggs and adopting a Zimbabwean child.
If I’m missing any other options that involve you bearing children, you have seriously considered those, as well.
12. Your family has stopped asking you if you’re seeing someone because even they’ve given up hope.
Sorry, Aunt Bertha, but the title of this love story is “Me, Myself And I.”
13. You’ve started wearing your BFF’s clothes instead of your ex’s.
You want to be hugged by someone all day, and since there’s no man in sight, you’ll just have to settle for your bestie.
14. You buy yourself shirts from the men’s clothing department.
Because that’s the only way you’ll ever get to wear a man’s shirt.
15. Your most recent cuddle partner is the pillow you ordered off 1-800-Body-Buddy.
He’s comfy AF, so there’s really no reason to ever leave your bedroom.
16. You think you’re pregnant every time you have random sex.
Your body really isn’t showing any signs you are; it’s just that you’d do anything for a baby and a husband, and your fantasy is becoming your fake, long-desired reality.
17. You’ve already bought a studio apartment because you know you’ll be living alone forever.
Couples rent. You buy.
18. You always sleep in the starfish position.
I mean, you’ve got that whole big bed to yourself…
19. If your life was an application, you would be checking the “N/A” box next to “Sex Life.”
What is sex? What is love?
20. You’re too lazy to go to your hook-up buddy’s apartment.
Because 11:30 is too late for that sh*t, and it’s cold outside.
21. Your most recent ex is engaged.
Even that pathetic excuse for a human being has found love. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER.
22. Your Tinder profile reads something along the lines of, “I’m looking for the thick-dicked man of my dreams.”
Because in your mind, love doesn’t exist. But a good bang? Now that’s a different story.
23. You stop frequently responding to anyone who messages you over dating apps.
Apps are all a waste of time, and men are…well…they’re just about the same.
24. Sex has become more of a chore than a pleasurable experience.
You’re either teetering on the edge of wildly thirsty for some dick, or you’ve essentially forgotten that sex is an actual thing. And if you are wildly thirsty, the hunt for a worthy dick is more tedious than anything else.
25. You’re no longer happy for your friends in relationships; you’re just plain bitter.
I’m sorry that you’ve reached this point. But if it makes you feel any better, everyone goes through this phase in life. And just when you are least prepared for it, you’ll meet someone, and snap the f*ck out of Bitter Land and into Believe-Again Land.