Why Jealousy Will Ruin Your Relationship

by Ashley Fern

Acting overbearing and possessive can change a loving relationship into one filled with envy, terror and control. Possessiveness comes from feelings of insecurity in a relationship. This person doubts the other out of his or her own negative feelings and, as a result, will become consumed with jealousy. This jealousy will grow into control. This is not only a concept found in intimate relationships, but friendships as well. The trouble with this is that the more overbearing a person acts, the more the other person will try to break free.

The inherent problem is the controlling person is actually just pushing his or her partner further and further away, expecting the counterpart to conform to his or her values, wishes and beliefs.

“Possessiveness is one of the ugliest qualities a man can have. I don't care who you are - If you chain me to a block of gold, I'll still be a prisoner. Men - allow your woman to have her own life and if she still makes you hers, she's worth keeping.”

Sometimes things happen that cause someone to act this way, such as infidelity, but other times this is just this person’s disposition. If you are unsure why your partner is acting in this manner, you need to reflect back on your relationship. Have you done something to cause your partner to feel this way or does this come from his or her own insecurities?

Instead of acting in a controlling manner, it is better to openly, honestly and calmly discuss the problem. The thing people fail to realize is the less controlling you act, the better your relationship will be. Your partner will stop trying to escape you and will relish in the love this relationship once had.

“If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.”

If someone is trying to control you, you need to remember that you are equally (if not more) important. Do not give up your lifestyle, your friends or your values just to appease this person. If he or she really, truly loved you he or she would accept you for who you are without trying to change you. If you do succumb to this, you risk losing your identity -- what makes you, you. This will only result in you being miserable and depressed. Be careful because that once happy relationship can turn you into a despondent, pathetic person.

Jealousy is the killer of relationships and can create problems that weren’t even there in the first place. There is a huge difference between warranted concerns and unwarranted. If someone is hitting on you in public, how are you supposed to control someone else’s actions? If you are getting the blame for this, your partner has some serious issues. However, if you respond to these advances, he should be concerned. It’s not about what happens in these situations, it is how you react to them.

“Relationships — of all kinds — are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”

In a good relationship, there is no jealously or possessiveness. You need to support each other in your endeavors and not boss the other around. If your partner does not modify his or her overbearing behavior, he or she runs the risk of causing damage to the relationship to the point where he or she will completely back his or her efforts or break it off altogether.

Acting in a possessive manner is counterproductive, as no man or woman wants someone who treats him or her this way. This is not only stifling, but also honestly mildly frightening for anyone. People need to learn not to go through a partner’s mobile phone or personal belongings. Everyone deserves his or her privacy. Stop checking up on the other person at all times to see what he or she is doing.

You should be comfortable enough with this person not to do this. If you find yourself engaging in this type of behavior, maybe you shouldn’t even be in the relationship in the first place. Furthermore, why would you even want to be in the sort of relationship where you need to do these things?

Even if your partner does not deserve your trust, acting possessively won’t change anything. In fact, it will more than likely make things worse. If a relationship is fated not to succeed, it won’t -- irrespective of how domineering you are; although, conversely, acting in this manner can destroy a relationship all on its own. Have confidence in your relationship. If you think you will succeed, you will, just as if you think you will fail, you will. It’s all about the self-fulfilling prophecy. What you think will happen because you will act in a way to make your beliefs happen.

If you don’t give your partner a little leeway here and there, you are going to push him or her so far away, your relationship will crumble. Don’t act so paranoid, give your partner space. You need to learn how to control your own behavior in every possible way. You have a life of your own, concern yourself with that more so than what your partner is doing every second of the day. Trust me, you both will be a hell of a lot happier.

“Don’t ever let your possessiveness, insecurities, and jealousy dominate you, for it could be the reason to lose the person whom you love the most.”

Ultimately, control stems from insecurity. Maybe your partner feels like he or she struck gold, so to speak, and he or she is terrified of losing you. As a result, your partner may attempt to cage you up, so you don’t attract anyone else’s attention. This person probably feels that he or she has no genuinely attractive traits that would guarantee you to stay with him or her, so your partner tries to maintain control by surveying your appearance, your whereabouts and whatever else he or she can think of. This type of behavior will never change, no matter what.

By constantly barraging you with the threat “if you do this ___ then I will do __” your partner is gauging your reaction, so he or she can determine how exactly to press your buttons. Your partner acts in this way in order to keep the upper hand in the relationship. This is unhealthy for both people and as soon as this is recognized, you need to run the f*ck for the hills. Although, this isn’t outright abuse, it is most definitely a form. You need an equal counterpart, not someone who behaves like your probation officer.

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