35 Questions I Had About Anal Sex Before I Ever Went Near A Butt

by Sean Abrams
Petrychenko Anton/Shutterstock

Despite the robust knowledge I'm now able to bless upon the world when it comes to all things sex and dating, there was once a time when I too was in the dark when it came to how to do butt stuff.

Before putting anything relatively close to my anus, I had the same understandable hesitations that anyone would.

Since anal penetration is literally the only way two guys can have ~the sex~, I knew it would happen one day, but found myself without nowhere to turn when it came to seeking advice.

The only details I'd heard from my straight group of girlfriends that had dabbled in the rectal region was that it HURT. They'd done it once, and never strayed away from good ol' P-in-V sexual activity after that.

Well, as I lack a vagina, I disregarded their warnings, and threw caution to the wind... and had anal sex. And let me tell ya, boys and girls, there's nothing to be scared of. In fact, butt stuff should be the only stuff.

But, as I previously said, there was a time when I was a real novice in the assh*le department. Oh, how the times have changed.

Here are 35 questions I had about anal sex before ever going near a butt that I'm ass-uming (sorry) you're pondering yourself.

1. Who would want to go near a butt?

2. Is playing with your butt even pleasurable?

3. How do you prevent it from hurting?

4. Is there a specific kind of lube to use?

5. How much lube is too much lube?

6. Are there lube alternatives?

7. Soap?

8. Jergens?

9. That vegetable oil that's been sitting in the cabinet since you moved in?

10. Should both your assh*le and his penis be drowning in lubricant?

11. And wait... are things actually supposed to go up there?

12. What if it gets stuck?

13. And what if I have to poop?

14. Can a relationship survive if you sh*t on someone's dick?

15. How does anal sex differ from all the ~other sex~ out there?

16. Is it a joyous-mixed-with-aspects-of-pain kind of experience?

17. Should I be signing something beforehand, in case of accidental death?

18. Should I be screaming this much?

19. Should I be on the lookout for a penis that matches my butthole?

20. If I find myself in front of a huge dong, will my anus ever recover?

21. Will I need a wheelchair after we're done?

22. Do I need to incorporate toys or vibrators into this?

23. What's the best position to get off during anal sex?

24. How the f*ck am I supposed to bend that way?

25. Can anal sex actually get me to have an O?

26. Should I not have eaten this quesadilla minutes before getting penetrated?

27. Is a bed the best place to dabble with anal?

28. Should we take it to the shower?

29. The couch?

30. The streets?

31. Is porn a realistic guide of how anal sex should be performed?

32. How does that noise they're emitting sound in the least bit pleasurable?

33. Does his mother know he's doing this?

34. Can someone introduce me to the first person who ever did anal?

35. Can they please answer all these questions?

I'm still waiting for some of these answers to be revealed... but I do know it's best to not inhale large amounts of Mexican cuisine before being on the receiving end of a peen.

Just a suggestion.