Having sex is kind of like attending a funeral -- there’s a chance it might end badly, but on the other hand, you came. Having sex with the wrong person, however, will actually BE your life’s funeral.
What’s the one thing that you and Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common? No, it’s not a great “Terminator” impression…
It’s that you both know what it’s like when a (not-so-) innocent f*ck, f*cks up your entire life.
We’ve already discussed how tequila has completely, absolutely destroyed you, and now we’re on to another favorite vice of ours. Here are the times that having sex has ruined your life:
The time your family member walked in on you
If there’s a bright side to any of this, it’s that your family member walked in on you and not on top of you. (Hmm, not helping? Too soon?)
That moment when you’re really into it with your partner and then suddenly lock eyes with your brother is one that will scar you for the rest of your life. Just be glad there’s no visual PTSD associated with this situation, and eventually you’ll be able to get it going again.
Family dinners just got reeaaalll awkward, though.
The time you slept with your ex
Remember all those months you spent getting over your ex? Yeah, well, you might as well be balling out on a vacation because you just set yourself back a few weeks. Regardless of how long you two have been broken up, sex with an ex is never a good idea.
It opens up a lot more than just your legs.
The time you slept with your friend’s ex
Let’s try and be thorough here -- anytime you sleep with a friend’s something, be it an ex, a boyfriend or a sibling, it will always come back to haunt you.
You can recall what happened to the Hulk Hogan family, right? Oh, you can’t? Maybe that’s because their sex scandals ruined them forever.
The time it started to burn after
We’re not doctors or anything, so how about we compromise and call whatever that terrible, STD-like infection was, the “Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened To You.” The good news: It was only temporary.
The bad news: It destroyed your ability to mentally distance yourself from homeless people.
The time you had sex at (INSERT public place) and got caught by the cops
Ironically, this may also be your favorite time you had sex, if only because you have an awesome story to tell about it. Or it might be your least because now you’re a registered sex offender in the state of Pennsylvania…
The time you did it with someone other than your current girl/boyfriend
You didn’t need us to tell you that this would mess up your entire love life -- there are plenty of Kate Hudson films for this reason. You know who what you did, you have to live with it.
The time you slept with your superior
Maybe it was your graduate school Instructor, maybe it was your boss, maybe it was your immediate supervisor or maybe it was all three and you just get really turned on by authority.
Regardless, it crashed, burned (well, let’s hope not, see: above) and then demolished everything you had been working towards. That’ll teach you to get ahead by using your head, not giving it.
The time the condom broke
Is there such a thing as filing a lawsuit against Trojan, or at the very least making the company pay for your Plan B (That sh*t is expensive!)?
The only thing more terrifying and potentially life ruining than the time the condom ripped? The time when you didn’t get your period on time…
The time (s)he came out of the closet directly afterwards
“I promise it’s not you. It’s me.” Yeah, right. We’ve heard that one before…
The time you weren’t even having sex
Desperation (aka your dire lack of sex) makes you do crazy, self-sabotaging things, like dip into the archives to drunk text that guy who liked to leave marks on your ass.
Or worse, you’ll take anything that even remotely resembles another human being, and next thing you know you’re waking up in your pervy personal trainer’s apartment that reeks of gym shorts and self-hate that you can no longer attend his awesome Ass & Abs class. Hey, at least you got your workout in.
The time you were a politician
How long will it take for government officials to realize that as soon as their poles go up, the rest go down?
The time it was your kid’s seventh birthday
We’re going out on a limb here and calling this one an accident…
The time you slept with too many of the same friends
You went through an affair with each member like a hopeless One Direction groupie. And now your friends won’t let you live it down every time you decline an invitation to their birthday parties. It’s just too much to nail down, literally.
The time your walk of shame was truly life-ruining
It happens to the best of us -- you had to buy Plan B for breakfast while still wearing your clothes from the night before, only to run into your parents’ neighbors in the pharmacy line.
Which is more awkward: getting caught by your childhood babysitter or her feeling obliged to tell your parents she saw you purchasing the morning-after pill? “It was for a friend.”
The time he/you couldn’t get it up
It’s only life-ruining if it’s with someone really, really extraordinary -- like Blake Lively or whatever. Otherwise, consider it nature’s form of birth control.
Bonus: It never did!
Well, congratulations, Miss. My-Sexual-History-Is-As-Clean-And-Clear-As-The-Acne-Commercial. Let’s all cheers to the fact that you’ve never had your entire existence collapse solely because you make good life choices. We’re not bitter, or whatever.