Tequila is the Regina George of alcohols. In the wise words of Janis Ian, “She’s a life ruiner, she ruins people’s lives.” But, at least in small doses, she can also make you feel on top of the world.
On Cinco de Mayo, we pay homage to a beautifully messed up liquid that has the superpower to make or break your entire life. What appears to be a seemingly harmless clear liquid can actually erase all sense of decency and decorum and effectively turn you into a mic-grabbing, table-top-dancing monster.
But wait, isn’t tequila supposed to be the only alcohol that’s an upper? Yeah, that’s right. Keep telling yourself that as you nurse a gnarly hangover and try to piece together the night before.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and see if we’ve learned anything from our mistakes. Here are the 10 times tequila ruined your life:
1. The time you puked on Spring Break
This wasn’t just any puke. This was the puke heard 'round the Mexican villa and back to your college campus and rehashed on graduation and back again.
After days of endless drinking, it’s bound to catch up with you... just hopefully not in the dude’s bed next to yours. That’s the thing about tequila: You can’t be held responsible for your actions. Ever.
2. The time you lost a friend on your birthday
Remember that awesome dirty taco spot that was notorious for serving margaritas to underage kids? Most everyone celebrated their 19th birthdays there (lol, but our IDs say we’re 22!) and took pictures wearing a giant sombrero as tequila was poured straight into their mouths. Ah, to be young and sans a gag reflex.
This would have been the best birthday of your life if you hadn’t then completely lost your sh*t and woken up minus one best friend.
You’re still not entirely sure of what happened, but you do know that it’ll be a while before you open your heart to Cuervo again.
3. The time you accidentally broke up with your boyfriend
People say that alcohol brings people together, but in the case of tequila, it tore you two you apart. Because tequila is like the truth serum of liquor and whatever you say blackout will and can be used against you in the Court of Love. Like, calling your current boyfriend your ex-boyfriend’s name during sex. Even after seven or so shots, some things just cannot be forgotten.
4. The time you let your family down
The backyard party turned into a backyard mess after your uncle practically had to taser you to calm down. After that fatal time with too many fish bowls, did you really think pre-made margarita mix would be appropriate for your family’s garden party? Grandma can’t erase watching you pass out in her rose bushes.
5. The time you may or may not have contracted a disease
If you don’t remember atrociously sucking face with that seriously grimy guy, did it ever really happen? Yes, actually it did because your amazing friends were there to capture the entire session on camera. And promptly send it to you right before an important job interview. Thanks, guys.
6. The time you lost your phone, wallet and dignity
Tequila turns you into an uncharacteristically generous person -- you’ll give your wallet to a homeless man and your phone to the bar floor gods. It’s the only alcohol that makes you believe you don’t need a purse to get home.
7. The time you woke up in a different zip code
We may not survive the “Hunger Games” if it came down to hunting skills, but we’re total pros at finding our way home with half of a brain and life-threatening dehydration. Patron is this weird drug that makes you want to take off all your clothes and run away from home without your shoes, which is exactly why it should be consumed with adult supervision.
8. The time you ate all your roommate’s food
...And awoke naked next to her in her bed with smushed pizza and crumbs on your face. Despite downing an entire bottle, you still feel like your stomach is completely empty. Then you promptly go home, attack the cabinets and tell yourself calories don’t count if you can’t remember them.
9. The time you slept through that really, really important obligation
We know multiple people who missed graduation because they were too busy graduating into their REM cycle. Others missed birthday brunches, staff meetings and even airplane flights because they couldn’t bear to part with the bed and toilet. Remember people, tequila is the friend your parents warned you about in middle school.
10. The time you made a fool of yourself... publicly
...Because all the aforementioned times don’t fully fall into this category. Whether it was flashing your coworker or getting your nipple pierced, you have tequila to thank for all your greatest stories and most horrifying memories.
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