You and this guy have been seeing each other for a while. Let's call him Tom. Tom is nice, Tom is funny and Tom really does treat you like gold.
The two of you have decided to take it slow because you think you really might actually like him. So you're holding off on having sex with him but that doesn't mean you aren't constantly non-stop texting every day and regularly making plans to hang out.
By date number five, you've decided you're ready. It's time to do the deed with this lucky dude. So you go ahead and make love into the wee hours of the night. Then you wake up next morning only to find... no texts from him.
All of a sudden, he's gone. Completely disappeared from your life. Right after you FINALLY decided to have sex with him, he decided to ghost you.
It happens all the time, I know. But it still never really made sense to me. Why would you cut ties with someone who is clearly down to have sex with you? Just seems inefficient to me.
I mean, I'm not even saying you have to date them. But why not keep them around as a booty call at the very least? Cutting them out entirely just seems odd.
So, to better understand why this happens, I asked people to tell me about times they did this. Read along as 21 people share with us the stories of times they stopped talking to someone after finally having sex with them.
Maybe we'll all understand why a little better.
1. He thought it was a mutual understanding.
I had been friends with this girl since high school and we always had some sexual tension. About six months ago, I ran in to her in LA after a job interview. One thing led to another and I ended up at her place after one too many drinks. What proceeded to happen was easily the most blacked-out sex I've ever had. It was like two mindless zombies having sex. I think we both avoided talking to each other for a bit because we both realized how embarrassing we were. It seemed like a mutual understanding... maybe I'll give her a call and see what she's up to.
— Rich*, 23
2. She wasn't into his foot fetish.
I met this guy at a bar during the summer before I went to college and we started talking pretty consistently. We hooked up a few times, nothing major, just making out, and maybe a month into our talking, we sealed the deal. After that night, I completely stopped talking to him. Before you judge, let me explain. Everything started off pretty normally, things were going well and getting heated, then he looked me dead in the face and told me he thought I had "sexy feet" and asked if he could suck on my foot while he played with himself. I thought he was kidding, so I laughed, but he wasn't kidding. After politely declining, I felt a little weird, but we continued our business. However, I couldn't help but notice he kept trying to touch my feet the entire time. After that night, I knew I was never going to look at him the same so I just cut off all ties. He sent me a few sob stories about how he was really falling for me blah blah blah, but I really felt like he didn't like me for me, he just wanted me for my feet.
— Meghan, 23
3. His dirty talk wasn't doing it for her.
We met on a dating app, and I really liked him until our third date when we went back to his house and he had the weirdest/nastiest/creepiest dirty talk of all time. He didn't care that I said I didn't like it, so I ignored all his calls.
— Michelle*, 27
4. She thought ignoring him was nicer than the truth.
We were in a class together sophomore year and I crushed on him from afar, so I was stoked when we matched on Tinder. We went on a couple of dates that were fine but there wasn't much there (and I was also seeing someone else I was pretty into). Not long after that, I deleted my Tinder and shortly after that I moved to another city. Nine months later, I downloaded Tinder again and come across the dude again in my new city. I swiped right purely to see if he swiped right on me again... and he did. We banter and bullshit and eventually set up a date to get drinks that weekend, but I had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere anyways so why not sleep with him? So we get drinks, head back to his place, and have pretty average sex. I made the mistake of sleeping over, spending most of the night thinking of the most tactful way to get out from under his arm but I was pinned. We woke up and didn't really say much to each other, but he offered to buy me fancy coffee so I took him up on it. We had an uncomfortable cup of coffee and said our goodbyes and I haven't spoken to him since. Luckily I was going out of town for the next week so I had an excuse not to make immediate follow-up plans. As for what changed... I was pretty insistent on our second date that I didn't want to sleep with him because I thought I wanted to potentially date him. But as time passed I realized he was way too pretentious for me. So I didn't want to invest the time into dating someone I wasn't into and who I didn't think was very into me, but I still wanted to get laid. I stopped talking to him because it was much easier than saying, 'The sex wasn't very good and we are definitely not right for each other.'
— Maggie*, 22
5. His dick was too small for her.
I was dating this guy for a few months and he really, really liked me. I didn't feel the same, but I mean he was alright. We got along great and he was super nice. I knew his family and I went over his house here and there. Then one day when I went over things got a little "intense" in his room. And by a "little," I mean a LITTLE. Let's just say, I felt nothing. Not emotionally... physically. He was doing the stroking motion and nothing was happening. I was mortified. I was angry! When I left, I barely spoke to him. The next day, I kept our conversations short. The day after, I cut it off. He was confused and hurt, blah blah blah. I completely ended contact. Ain't nobody got time for a tiny wee-wee in their life.
— Mariam*, 23
6. He couldn't keep up with his lie.
Well, she was at the bar... Naturally I went up to her and pretended like she was supposed to know who I was because according to my fake website and fake medical journals, I'm a billionaire... We made love until the sun came up... and then I never called her again...
— Lorenzo, 27
7. She just got over him.
I met this guy sophomore year of college when we were in a group project together. After that semester was over, I never really saw him again. Then the week after graduation we were both at the same bar and it was just mutually known we were going home together. We had sex and it was actually some of the best sex of my life (like, easily top five), but the next morning I was like 'eh.' I drove him home then we never spoke again. I guess since we never hooked up despite our sexual tension sophomore year, I had this mysterious illusion about him and once that was shattered, I was satisfied with just solving the mystery and continuing on my merry way.
— Kelli, 22
8. He's done it three separate times.
I was talking to a person during college orientation; she was quite short (legally, a midget), but that didn't bother me. We didn't talk too much, but would see each other out and text sporadically. One night, we went back to her place, and starting hooking up. Her height actually became a sexual logistical issue. I stopped talking to her, and we never hooked up again. I honestly had a newfound respect for pro athletes and super tall people. No clue how they pull things off in the bedroom. Got a cute girl's number I met at the bar. We texted for about a week before hanging out. As soon as we went out for dinner, I realized that I did not enjoy this person's company, and there was absolutely no future for us. I persevered through the dinner and dropped her home like a gentleman. I really wanted to cut ties there, but the devil on my shoulder convinced me that I had already put in the effort, I might as well reap the rewards. My texting slowed, but she still seemed very interested. A few days later, I was out with my friends and got an invite text from the girl. I went to her place, had sex, and went home for a full nights sleep. My responses became fewer, and eventually, she stopped texting me. I met a 42-year-old mother of three; we hooked up the first night, but we did not have sex. We texted throughout the week, and she invited me over late on a Friday night. We started hooking up, then went up to her bedroom. We had a very loud and long sex session. She woke me up quite early to sneak me out the house before her kids woke up. I was wrongly under the impression her kids were at the dad's house the prior night. I was completely creeped out and never talked to her again.
— Andrew, 25
9. He had a false alarm.
The next day I had a rash so I thought it was an STD. Chewed her out over it then went to get a test. Turns out it wasn't an STD, just a weird condom rash. Didn't message her back. Maybe I'll shoot her a text this weekend.
— Allan*, 24
10. It was the worst sex of his life.
Met her at a bar. Kinda cute, probably below my standards, but whatever. Needed to get out of the rut somehow. Gave her my number. Talked for a couple weeks, light convo, the occasional sext, just to keep things interesting. Finally set up a time to meet. She came over, I made some Annie's mac and cheese (I know, panty dropper), tossed on some 2 Chainz (oh, I know, double panty dropper), let the mac and cheese digest (probably 30 minutes of solid conversation), then proceeded to lay the pipe. Terrible sex, worst of my life. Did get that 69 action in though (nice). She left, hugged her goodbye (I know, how gentlemanly), promptly deleted her number. Got the (flat) ass, on to the next.
— Jim, 24
11. He wasn't aggressive enough for her.
I talked with this guy on Tinder for a few months, and we were both very clear we didn't want a relationship, just flirting heavily. After like three months I finally took initiative to meet up. He is 35 years old with an alpha male personality. I was expecting the sex to be way more intense and aggressive based on his personality. However, I was sadly mistaken. He was very passive in the sack and had very little moves. Naturally, I took charge of the situation to get mine... duh. He was very quiet afterwards, not at all what he was before sex. Going from texting daily, several times a day, we both never said a word to each other again. I guess both of us was equally unpleased with the situation.
— Monica*, 27
12. She peed.
Met at a bar, went back to his place with a friend to smoke, ended up doing cocaine off an iPad, had sex and upon finishing, I peed and the condom came out... so I never texted/called/saw him again.
— Emily, 23
13. The sex was angry.
It was angry sex. With a co-worker. They ended up getting fired.
— Alexa, 24
14. He just isn't great at relationship maintenance.
Usually [meet someone] drunk at a bar or through friends. Some of us just aren't good at texting/maintaining relationships because we are too focused on work and sport. If it wasn't for group texts, I wouldn't talk to anyone.
— Marc, 26
15. It's a rule of thumb for him.
It was the next day. Why would I talk to them?
— Treez, 24
16. He wasn't confident enough for her.
I was talking to this guy I met a bar and I was a little apprehensive about to begin with. He seemed a little too clingy and needy for my liking. He needed constant reassurance that I liked him. We ended up having sex after our fifth date and afterwards he was so nervous I didn't have a good time or that he didn't perform well enough. He kept bringing it up in conversation and he said, 'next time, you will see how good I am.' I just couldn't take it anymore. I had tried to reassure him that everything was great, but it didn't work. He texted me when he got home that night asking if I had a good time. I responded back yes and that he needed to have more confidence. The day after, he texted me again asking if I was sure I had a good time and I never responded. Then he texted me for a week straight wanting to know why I stopped talking to him and if it was because the sex was bad. I felt bad not responding, but I knew that if I did, he wouldn't like my answer.
— Elizabeth, 31
17. He was too entrenched in her everyday life.
I accidentally slept with a co-worker once. HUGE mistake. I had to choose being an editor over a producer because they gave me my own corner office with my best friend. This way I could limit those awkward interactions.
— Sammy, 22
18. If he's not going to make an effort, neither is she.
OK, so many times. Usually it was because they didn't write me, so I just never reached out. This happened with guys I had been on a few dates with, as well as with one night stands I met at a bar. With guys I knew I'd never see again and with guys who I knew I would run into at school. I never reached out because I thought if they wanted to see me again, they'd write. Or because I lost interest after sleeping with them (that happened quite a bit). Maybe I realized a guy wasn't as good a conversationalist as I thought, or maybe he was really mediocre in bed. The most recent time I 'hit it and quit it' was because I just didn't see a point in continuing to talk to the man in question. He was an Italian friend of a friend, studying in northern Spain, about to move back to Milan. He gave me a ride to Granada from Málaga, and while we were there we spent the night together. When he left the next day he didn't write, and neither did I. What would be the point?
— Ash, 24
19. He was just a giant douche to her.
I stopped talking to a boy who I found breathtakingly attractive (and thus assumed we'd have chemistry... ) after we had sex for the first time and he head-butted me during a kiss and gave me a nosebleed, period-shamed me, and said 'hate to tell you, but I'm done' after about a minute. The next day, he cursed me out over text for telling my friends. BYE!
— Mackenzie, 23
20. He was all looks, no personality.
Honestly, if I've ever hit it and quit it, it was just because that person was hot, but not interesting enough or good enough in bed to keep it going.
— Becca*, 24
21. His proportions didn't work.
My bed was small and he was big. I told him I'd like to sleep more and to have a nice life. He left. We never spoke again.
— Georgia*, 26
So wondering why that guy never called after your big date yesterday? Take a gander at these and maybe find some answers for yourself!
*Names have been changed.