Sexually Empowering Adventures For Girls To Have This Winter

Single ladies, don't you dare complain to me about the misanthropy you're overcome with because you're a single kitten in the depths of the winter.

Don't feed me any of that "Oh, I'm SO LONELY! It's SO COLD!" bullshit because I'm not having it.

It's not 1950 (even though it feels that way lately), it's 2017. A girl doesn't need a warm bae to protect her from the frigid conditions.

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No, the winter time is when single vixens thrive.

There's just something really kinky about gazing out the office window and looking at the oh-so-virginal snowflakes floating in the sky.

But the purity of pristine snow lighting up the dismal sky makes me want to behave badly, baby.

The purity of pristine snow lighting up the dismal sky makes me want to behave badly, baby.

Right now, I'm looking out the window and the snow is falling down faster than a sorority girl after 16 shots of tequila at her first college party.

It's making me want to tear out of the office and brave the cold, feeling the intense freeze of the weather as it cuts through my leopard-print coat and giving me deliciously HARD nipples. It's got me craving for adventure.

So, girls, let's do it. Let's stop moping around and moaning about how BAD our sex lives are this winter and, instead, embark on some of these sexually empowering adventures:

Go out alone and come up with a fake identity.

Oh, single girls, there is nothing in this world more tantalizing than throwing on an outrageous, faux-fur coat, adorning your lips with black lipstick and going out to the bar solo.

"So, what's your name?" some red-faced prep will ask you.

"Elsa."

"Wow, what an interesting name. Where you from?"

You'll take a long sip of your champagne, and gaze into the distance with dead eyes, saying, "Norway."

I'll let you improvise the rest of the scene because this is really about you, not me. But, baby, it's so sexually empowering to go out and seduce a stranger with a made-up identity.

All sorts of bizarre, fetish language will come flying out of your dark, sinful lips. It'll free your inner wild, sex vampire, and, baby, she needs to be freed.

Have loads of snow-storm sex.

Gone are the days of the fuck buddy. It's sooo 2016.

This winter, score yourself a blizzard-banging buddy. Have salacious sex while gazing at all the chic snowflakes falling on the concrete of the city.

Pro-tip: Fuck with your designer snow boots on.

Rock a wig and a slutty outfit to the club.

Throw on either a platinum, jet black or fiery red wig, a shirt that resembles a bra and strut to the club alone.

You'll probably end up drinking bottle service with a group of reality TV stars who you won't have sex with.

But you will spend the night making them THINK you're into getting down and dirty, only to sneak out and leave them in the dust of REJECTION, hunty.

Get a really long, pointy, red manicure, hook up with someone and scratch the shit out of some backs.

Go to a little dive-y manicure shop and ask for sharp, pointy, acrylic talons. Get them painted the color of sluttiness and sexuality: blood red.

When you go and hook up with whatever basic you're hooking up with (I don't care, as long as you use protection), scratch the shit out of their untarnished, smooth backs.

It will turn them on, even if it hurts a little. And trust me, nothing will fire up your own loins than digging your nails into flesh.

Take a bondage class at the local sex shop.

Every sex shop in every city offers a bondage class at some point.

Get in there, babe, and learn how to tie some fucking ROPES.

Keep an online journal about your sex life.

Get an anonymous Tumblr, LiveJournal or whatever blog site the kids are using these days and write about your sex life.

If you're not currently having sex with anyone, it doesn't matter because 1) you're always having sex with yourself and 2) make shit up! Write out all of your sexual fantasies and pretend like they're happening in real life.

And who knows? Maybe your alias will build a big name for herself. I hear this is how book deals happen, kinky kitten.

Impulsively get out of town for the weekend and have a hot holiday romance.

I don't care if you're broke. Who the hell isn't broke?

Save your pennies, get on a Greyhound bus and go to some cheesy singles resort. Hook up with the pool boy or the pool girl (if you're a lez).

Those boys and girls are always sexy and into having amazing, hair-pulling sex. Trust me, I know from personal experience.

Go to a ski lodge, and get in the hot tub totally naked.

Get to the closest ski lodge possible and dive into that community hot tub with no clothes on.

And California girls, don't bitch that there are no ski lodges around you. There are plenty in Big Bear Lake. And if you live in the South, take a road trip.

As my mother says, "Where there is a will, there is a way, darling."

Cover your entire body in candle wax, honey.

Spend a Saturday night in all alone. Make sure it's a night when some lame party is happening, just to really drive your "I'm independent" point home.

Get naked, lie on the floor, light an expensive candle and poor hot wax all over your bare flesh. It will feel like a warm, silky orgasm all over your body.

Go to a prestigious orgy party.

You can find plenty of really posh orgy parties online. (My friend went to a really chic orgy in Williamsburg just last month.)

You don't have to participate — just watch.

Keep your dramatic, black-out sunglasses on, and don't talk to anyone. Be untouchable and mysterious, and then, go home and eat oysters on the couch in your silky bra.

Oh, candle wax, orgies and hot tubs, galore! What a beautiful time to be single, you kinky, slutty vixen!