The holiday season is the most sexually-charged time of year.
Something about all those pretty, blinking Christmas lights can give even the most conservative, small southern town a dangerously sexy ~Vegas~ vibe.
That's why I can't stand it when people complain about being single during the holidays. It fuels me with sweeps of irrepressible rage.
Aww, I'm sooo sorry that you don't have a "bae" to rot by the fireplace with in your basic AF sweats. I'm crying proverbial tears for you.
Seriously ladies, stop glorifying long-term relationships (that's another article).
To be perfectly honest, you should feel blessed to be single during the holidays. This is the best time of year for you to put on that wonderfully slutty, too-short sequined dress (or whatever the hell makes you feel sexy — maybe it's a blazer! Maybe it's a pair of distressed jeans! I don't care, as long as you feel HOT) and strut your shit.
Stop crying, stop complaining and instead, celebrate your fabulous single self at a fabulous holiday party. Here's a no-fail 5-step guide to be the sexiest single vixen at the holiday party.
1. Wear All Black
Every basic girl will be adorned in RED at the holiday party. They will be rocking their shiny red nail polish and their bright red lipstick and maybe if they have no chill they will even have a big red BOW in their perfectly blow-dried hair (gag).
Wearing all black to a party says "I'm too chic to care about dressing in a theme."
There will be cheesy hints of green shamelessly tossed into the mix too. Like maybe a green stiletto (gag again... never wear a green shoe).
Do NOT wear the colors red or green if you want to be deemed the sexiest creature at the holiday party. Wear all black.
Black says, "I'm too chic to care about dressing in a theme."
Black says, "I'm sexy, but unattainable."
Black is aloof, a little too cool. And most of all, black is mysterious. And there is nothing more sexy than mystery.
2. Arrive Alone
There is nothing sexier than a woman who has the wherewithal to arrive entirely alone to the party.
When you show up alone, it shows that you have extreme confidence and itwill instantly set you apart from everyone else who arrives with a pack of friends who look exactly like them.
3. Only Drink Champagne
My mother exclusively drinks champagne because she claims it's the most pure alcohol there is.
I would be a fool to not believe my very wise British mother, so I fully believe that champagne is nothing but a pure nectar from the gods. But that's not why I drink it — I drink it because it's sexy.
I fully believe that champagne is nothing but a pure nectar from the gods.
The girl who only drinks champagne is a girl who's thought to have expensive taste. The girl who only drinks champagne wants to put only the best booze in her body.
It makes everyone think, "Damn, who does this girl think she is?" But they're left feeling wildly intrigued.
I mean we're drawn to luxury, lushness, extreme lavishness during the holiday season — and nothing will illicit those feelings like a cold glass of bubbly, baby!
Plus you won't black out so quickly if you stick to the champs. If you drink eggnog you'll vomit, if you drink whiskey you'll make a bad decision and if you drink wine you'll fall asleep right at the table with your mouth hanging wide open.
Champagne gives you just the right amount of BUZZ without sending you flying over the edge, which keeps you safe and sexy.
4. Treat Everyone The Same
Flirt with everyone equally, because it will confuse the hell out of everyone (especially the smug hot bitches).
If you're coy and cool and flirtatious with every entity you meet, no one will no what your type is and they will be desperate to find out. The sexiness is in the unknown.
Plus, I'm sorry, but I'm going to confess something that has been burning inside of me for far too long: It's rude to only flirt with a few people at a big party! I mean, it's the goddamn holiday season people, make everyone feel good by giving them a little bat of the lash.
No one died from batting a lash at an unattractive person.
It's good karma to flirt. And good karma is sexy.
5. Reek Of A Sexy, Musky Fragrance
Nothing is sexier than a woman with a strong SCENT. Spray as much of a musky, wintery, sexy, bold fragrance as possible all over your body.
My top pick is Charlotte Tilbury "Scent of a Dream."
When you leave the party, your scent will be left lingering in the static air.
It will be on the clothes of the other party guests after they leave. It will follow them to bed and into their dreams and... BAM! That's when their obsession with you will begin — when your scent is in there bed.
And that's when their obsession will never end.