Guille Faingold

The 6 Kinds Of Sex You Have When Your Heart Just Isn't In It


You guys, I'm single AF. I've only recently come to embrace my single status.

I guess the downside of being single I find to be most irritating is you have an... uh... erratic sex life. Because unless you've got a consistent casual hookup, you usually don't know when you're going to get some.

You kind of just play it by ear; you keep your downstairs groomed on weekends, and on weekdays, you leave that shit alone and let it ~express itself.~ I find that I usually get some when I'm either not looking for it or not prepared for it.

When we're single, we aren't having love sex. Love sex is infused with feelings and complexity, and IMO, it's really the only kind of sex worth having.

Still, we have our needs, even when are hearts aren't open. I've entered a phase of my life in which I have sex every now and then, with a guy I may or may not know, at a time and place I'm unaware of.

Here are the 6 kinds of sex you have when your heart just isn't in it.

Under-The-Influence Sex

This kind of sex includes both drunk and high sex, and it doesn't discriminate against your drug of choice (although we all know my thoughts on stoned sex). You get dolled up, hit the bars with your girlfriends and somehow end up in bed with the dude who spent his night brooding in the corner.

Hey, your heart isn't open. And the easiest way to satisfy your needs in such a state is to do it with a little liquid in ya.

I don't know if I'll ever retire drunk sex. I think even when my heart is open and I've found love again, I'm going to knock a few back and do it with the boyf. Honestly, drunk sex is just so fun and freeing — as long as you're exactly as drunk as he is. Not a drink more, not a drink less.

I'm-About-To-Blow Sex

This kind of sex, unlike inebriated, accidental sex, is calculated. It also often happens sober.

It's when you've waited too long to get laid because you got caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, or because you've suppressed your physical needs along with your emotional ones.

Indulging in "I'm-about-to-blow" sex is like waiting too long to eat something to the point where you're starving and eat a ton of chocolate when, if you'd just eaten earlier, you would've went for some carrots.

My writer friend Treez coined a metaphor in which he compares people to Brita filters: We all have our limits. Once we hit those limits, we're about to blow, or tip, or whatever you want to call it. That's when we make it our mission to go in for the kill.

Travel Sex

I'm going to Switzerland in less than two weeks, and though the trip is about me, NOT about men, I can't guarantee I won't bag myself a hot Swiss man. You guys, we all know the sky is the limit once we've cross international waters.

The best part? I can have no-feelings sex with someone because I know for certain exactly when I'm heading on a plane, and that he's staying right where he is.

Mercy Sex

Also known as "safety sex," this is the kind of sex you have with that guy you friend-zoned a million years ago. You hit him up when you're just really horny and need to get some, but are too lazy to go out and snag fresh meat.

This guy is awesome. He'll bang you even when your legs aren't shaved, and because you're doing him a favor, he's a keeper. For now, anyway.

This sex is the kind of sex that makes you a little sad to be single.

The-Ex-It's-Past-Over-With Sex

He's moved on. You've moved on. Anything that can possibly happen between you two already happened, you've morphed into two different people and there's been enough time and distance between you two to prevent anything real from happening.

The feelings are too dead to come back, and no, they won't "zombie" on you (to "zombie" is to disappear for a long period of time, but then rise back from the dead unexpectedly).

But for one reason or another, you've kept each other's digits. Deep down, both of you held onto each other's digits for moments like these: those horny, lonely, in-between-relationship moments.

He's The Best Friend Of The Guy You Really Like Sex

You're emotionally unavailable right now. You're afraid to fall in love, and who can blame you? You've been burned too many times. And whether it's because you can't open yourself up to this guy you really like or because he's dating someone else, you've chosen to sleep with his best friend.

Sleeping with the best friend is easy. He's there and ready for the taking. And he's not a stranger, so you don't feel too weary jumping in the sack with him.

But you just don't feel anything for him and you never will, because his BFF will always have your heart.