Julien L. Balmer

8 Sex Toys That Are Much Better Than A Boyfriend

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It's 2017, and I'm over dealing with all the stress that comes with actively pursuing a boyfriend.

Yes, I've changed a bit about myself and my dating patterns in hopes of finding more gentlemen and fewer assholes, but the chase is still a lot to handle.

And then, if you finally land the guy, your schedule shifts, you have to balance a new life that involves work, friends and your significant other, and their needs always seem to outweigh your own.

Basically, you never win.

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During this arduous pursuit of happiness, sometimes, you just need to put yourself first. You can't love someone else and be happy if you haven't already achieved that on your own time, now can you?

To achieve absolute bliss without a quality man friend, here's a quality roundup of sex toys, treats and other pleasurable items that will make for the best boyfriend around. Plus, they don't talk back.

1. A&E Silicone G-Gasm Rabbit

Amazon

Adam & Eve G-Gasm Rabbit Dildo, $30, Amazon

Reminiscent of the legendary "Rabbit" everyone's come to know and love (thanks, "Sex and the City"), this vibrator targets both the clitoris and G-spot with seven different vibration, escalation and duration functions.

No penis can do that, so... men already lose.

2. Anal Fantasy Ribbed Prostate Vibe

Amazon

Pipedream Products Anal Fantasy Collection Ribbed Prostate Vibe, $15, Amazon

This beginner's toy for the ultimate prostate adventure will hit the right spot each time. Plus, it's got more ridges than a Lay's potato chip (and the average penis). Beat that.

3. Revitalize Pocket Vibrator Kit

Amazon

Blush Novelties Rose Revitalize Massage Kit, $13, Amazon

What's better than a 3-in-1 pocket vibrator with removable attachments? You guessed it: absolutely fucking nothing. A boyfriend is definitely not this portable.

4. Ass-Gasm Penis Ring Plug

Adam & Eve

Anal Fantasy Ass-Gasm Penis Ring Plug, $10, Amazon

Yes, this toy certainly looks a little petrifying, but the power of this dual cock ring/butt plug is nothing to be scared of... unless you're afraid of intensely powerful orgasms. Or in this case, assgasms.

5. Glow in the Dark Clone-A-Willy Vibrator Kit

Amazon

Glow In The Dark Clone-A-Willy, $42, Amazon

Was your past hook-up boring AF but had a monster dong? Just ask him to do you one more teensy favor for being the worst person ever.

What's he got to lose? His dick will be cloned!

6. Colt Snug Tugger Penis Ring

Amazon

Colt Snug Tugger Penis Ring, $10, Amazon

It's never fun blowing your load before that porn star twink even rips off his pair of Andrew Christians. Throw this bad boy on, and everything will be feeling harder, better, faster and stronger.

7. Mr Right Now Vibe

Amazon

Blush Novelties Mr. Right Now Dildo, $12, Amazon

Sometimes, all you need is the tip. This piece of pink rubber already looks more appealing than some of the actual penises I've laid eyes on. (And it vibrates, too!)

8. Fifty Shades of Grey Greedy Girl G-Spot Vibrator

Amazon

Fifty Shades of Grey Greedy Girl G-Spot Vibrator, $53, Amazon

This black monstrosity kind of looks like a baby arm holding up two fingers. But in reality, it's actually bunny ears set to massage your clit better than Christian Grey (or any other boyfriend, real or fake) ever could. You can't get much better than that.

Who said you need a "Red Room"? I have no issues living out all my wildest fantasies in my shoebox of an apartment, thank you very much.