It's 2017, and I'm over dealing with all the stress that comes with actively pursuing a boyfriend.
Yes, I've changed a bit about myself and my dating patterns in hopes of finding more gentlemen and fewer assholes, but the chase is still a lot to handle.
And then, if you finally land the guy, your schedule shifts, you have to balance a new life that involves work, friends and your significant other, and their needs always seem to outweigh your own.
Basically, you never win.
During this arduous pursuit of happiness, sometimes, you just need to put yourself first. You can't love someone else and be happy if you haven't already achieved that on your own time, now can you?
To achieve absolute bliss without a quality man friend, here's a quality roundup of sex toys, treats and other pleasurable items that will make for the best boyfriend around. Plus, they don't talk back.
Reminiscent of the legendary "Rabbit" everyone's come to know and love (thanks, "Sex and the City"), this vibrator targets both the clitoris and G-spot with seven different vibration, escalation and duration functions.
No penis can do that, so... men already lose.
This beginner's toy for the ultimate prostate adventure will hit the right spot each time. Plus, it's got more ridges than a Lay's potato chip (and the average penis). Beat that.
What's better than a 3-in-1 pocket vibrator with removable attachments? You guessed it: absolutely fucking nothing. A boyfriend is definitely not this portable.
Yes, this toy certainly looks a little petrifying, but the power of this dual cock ring/butt plug is nothing to be scared of... unless you're afraid of intensely powerful orgasms. Or in this case, assgasms.
Was your past hook-up boring AF but had a monster dong? Just ask him to do you one more teensy favor for being the worst person ever.
What's he got to lose? His dick will be cloned!
It's never fun blowing your load before that porn star twink even rips off his pair of Andrew Christians. Throw this bad boy on, and everything will be feeling harder, better, faster and stronger.
Sometimes, all you need is the tip. This piece of pink rubber already looks more appealing than some of the actual penises I've laid eyes on. (And it vibrates, too!)
This black monstrosity kind of looks like a baby arm holding up two fingers. But in reality, it's actually bunny ears set to massage your clit better than Christian Grey (or any other boyfriend, real or fake) ever could. You can't get much better than that.
Who said you need a "Red Room"? I have no issues living out all my wildest fantasies in my shoebox of an apartment, thank you very much.