5 Sex Positions That Will Leave You The Good Kind Of Sore

Sweet, sweet Ariana Grande, the innocent, high-ponytailed, doe-eyed child star is not so sugar sweet anymore, is she?

I don't know about you, but to me, it feels like the entire world is upside down. It's like we're living in a bizarro, parallel universe or something.

It turns out her new song with Ms. Nicki Minaj, "Side to Side," isn't about being sore from a particularly harrowing spin class, as insinuated in the epic music video.

It's about being sore from a BIG DICK.

"That whole song is about riding leading to soreness," Grande told MTV News reporter Gaby Wilson on the white carpet at this past Sunday's VMAs.

She added, “'Ride dick bicycle' is the lyric, indeed" to really drive the point (or shall I say "thrust"?) home.

What the hell? Upon first hearing this, I turned my nose up in the air, clutched my imaginary pearls with perfectly polished fingers and gasped.

I refuse to believe it, I snootily thought to myself. Not my Ariana. 

But after a few listens on my trusted Spotify, I got a grip.

I incessantly write articles about lewd subjects, such as lesbian sex, oral sex, one-night stands and the art of seducing your co-worker on the internet.

And now I'm being smug about a song about being so sore from sex you can't walk?

GET OVER IT, ZARA. Stop being prim. That ship has longed sailed.

For the rest of the day, thoughts of being sore from vigorous sex began to invade my brain likes moths to a fluorescent bulb.

I might be nothing but a mascara lesbian who hasn't had sex with a dude in almost a decade, but that doesn't mean I've never been sore from sex.

In fact, I would argue that lesbians probably get more sore from sex than straight girls because we use pretty big strap-ons that never get soft like real dicks. But that's neither here nor there.

Anyone engaging in penetration — whether it's from a store-bought dildo, a giant penis or lots of fingers — inherently understands that certain sex positions go far ~deeper~ than others (in a good way, of course).

Surely, our girl Ariana was singing about these sex positions that can make a girl far more sore than a SoulCycle class ever could:

1. The Yogi Sex Position

Celine Rahman

I call this the Yogi Sex Position because it's like a combo of downward-facing dog and child's pose (the only two yoga poses I know by heart, ironically).

Now, this really hits the g-spot, my sweet kittens.

You want to get down on your knees, stick your gorgeous bum in the glorious air and tuck your arms around your legs for good, sturdy measure.

2. The Lazy Dog(gy) Style

Celine Rahman

I call this the Lazy Dog(gy) Style because it's just like doggy style, but a little more lackadaisical.

You don't have to exert the energy of being on your hands and knees. You can just lay flat, face-first on the pillow like the princess you are.

However, this really gets in deep, girls. Be careful.

If done with acute sensitivity, though, it will give you glorious orgasms for days.

3. The Porn Star

Celine Rahman

I don't know about you, ladies, but I always feel like Jenna Jameson when my legs are wrapped around the neck of my lover.

Hence the name of this position. I start to act like one, too. And I start to make really loud sounds.

I can't help myself.

4. The Figure Skater

Celine Rahman

This position is beautiful. Graceful even.

It's when you're pressed up against a wall (unless you're a professional dancer or figure skater) and are being penetrated with one leg straight up, like a dancer.

It's like being a figure skater in the Olympics. Only with deep, deep orgasms.

It's like being a figure skater in the Olympics. Only with deep, deep orgasms.

5. The Sex Swing

Celine Rahman

OK, confession time: I've never used a sex swing. However, I KNOW people who have and they tell me that gravity really works in your favor.

I mean, imagine penetration whilst swinging? I'm sore just thinking about it. But wildly turned on, too.

Doesn't a little bit o' pain always accompany pleasure?