The 5 Essential Qualities Of The Perfect Fuck Buddy

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Just last night, I was having dinner with a couple of close friends, when the conversation dramatically deviated to one of our favorite topics: HOOKUP BUDDIES.

"Girl, you need to get yourself a fuck buddy," Violet* said to Lux*, aggressively stabbing at her linguini with a fork.

Lux swirled her white wine around in the glass, her big eyes gazing into it as if all the answers to life's problems were hiding in her sauvignon blanc.

"I know, girl. I'm thirsty!" she said defeatedly.

I crossed my legs like a lady and popped a piece of rare steak into my mouth. "Well, the trouble is, if you meet a guy you actually like, you'll sleep with him way too soon. And you don't want to start a real, long-term relationship with a drunken one-nighter..."

"Right," Violet added. "That's why you fuck a guy you don't like that much! So you can be sexually satisfied without ruining things with men who could be boyfriend material."

"Hmm, I like that," Lux purred, seductively running her finger across her pillowy lips.

Violet clanked her glass against mine. "To fuck buddies!" she yelled, frightening the elderly couple to our left.

"They keep the mystery alive!" I shrieked.

"They build sexual tension!" Violet added.

We spent the rest of dinner brainstorming exactly what a woman needs to look for when searching for a good, old-fashioned fuck buddy.

And between the three of us, who are passionate and well-versed in all sexual matters, we broke down the perfect qualities a fuck buddy needs to embody in this day and age:

They live in a neighborhood you would never want to live or play in.

The key to securing a perfect fuck buddy is total, STRICT compartmentalization. You need to keep your regular life and your fuck buddy life completely separate.

You need to keep your regular life and your fuck buddy life completely separate.

This is why it's imperative you find a fuck buddy who lives in a neighborhood you don't and would never like to live in, or even like to ~party~ in.

For example, I love the West Village of Manhattan, and my social life is centered around there.

But I could never, ever have a fuck buddy who lives in the West Village because I would run the painfully awkward risk of running into her when I'm on a date with someone I actually like. Or even worse, I would most likely see her at the bodega on my pre-work coffee run in the morning.

And that is crossing a serious line. Once your fuck buddy knows how you take your coffee, it's over. That's how the love disease first starts to manifest.

Once your fuck buddy knows how you take your coffee, it's over.

Also, anytime someone catches you before you've had your coffee, they're seeing the most raw, stripped-down version of you.

So you're basically screwed from this point on. When someone sees the unmasked you without any caffeine, they will fall in love with you. Vulnerability is sexy.

They will catch feelings, and you might catch them right back because that shit is contagious. And the whole purpose of the fuck buddy is never to catch feelings.

They're moving within the next year.

The only time I ever had a successful fuck buddy was about four years ago, and it was with a woman who was moving to another country.

I have a hard time just having cold sex, as I tend to pour my heart out in the bedroom, even if it's with a random.

The whole purpose of the fuck buddy is never to catch feelings.

Now, this a great quality, but it can be dangerous when trying to maintain proper fuck buddy etiquette. Feelings are easily caught when passionate kisses are exchanged. The only solution is to find someone who is moving soon, preferably to another country.

This way, you both know from the beginning there is no chance this little sex affair will ever escalate into something more.

Feelings are easily caught when passionate kisses are exchanged

And then, when your friends say, "Well, what about your fuck buddy? Why don't you take it further? I mean, come on, Zara, you have GREAT sex," you can cooly respond by saying, "Oh, she's moving to Paris in six months."

It shuts your friends up and shuts down your wandering mind. That's ideal, baby.

They have a huge relationship deal breaker.

Personally, I would never, ever seriously date someone who was really into organized religion. No disrespect. I'm just fundamentally not about that life.

So if I know that's something really important to you, and going to church regularly is a huge part of your lifestyle, I think we're too different to be long-term partners.

And lezbehonest: I don't think a diehard Christian is going to want to wed an agnostic lesbian like me.

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But hey, babe. In this case, we can totally be fuck buddies!

Sex has no religion, nor does it have a political party. So if you're a raging Democrat, try scoring yourself a diehard Republican fuck buddy, whose core values are much different than yours.

Because that doesn't mean you can't get naughty in the bedroom with them, right?

Sex has no religion, nor does it have a political party.

Plus, you can have heated political or religious debates, and then, hop right into having passionate hate sex.

Hate sex is great with a fuck buddy, but it's a terrible habit to get into when you're in a relationship. You end up picking fights, and the relationship grows really toxic.

But picking fights and fucking off the tension with someone temporary? That's totally fine.

They're a little dumb.

I know I'm a pretentious bitch for calling people dumb, but look, darlings, I own it.

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I'm a pretentious bitch, and you all should get into the pretentious-bitch headspace when you're dealing with a fuck buddy, too. Trust me.

Now is not the time to channel your inner all-people-are-created-equal, yogi-sweetheart guru. Be a ruthless bitch, and seek out sexing someone who isn't nearly as smart as you are.

Be a ruthless bitch, and seek out sexing someone who isn't nearly as smart as you are.

Even if someone has a relationship deal breaker or is moving to Antartica, you're going to catch feelings if they end up being wildly intelligent and intriguing. And intrigue quickly turns into fiery passion, which turns into love, eventually.

So find yourself a pretty face who doesn't have a lot going on upstairs, and you're good to go, honey!

They've way older or younger than you.

A massive age gap can actually work out in your favor. Sometimes, it doesn't have to be a physical age gap. It could be that their spiritual age is vastly different as well.

Basically, it's about finding someone who's in a much different place in their lives than you are, so they couldn't possibly turn into a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

I had a brief fuck buddy situation with a 23-year-old girl when I was 27. I had a career, and I had my shit together (for the most part).

Trust me, you won't want to cuff with a 21-year-old fuckboy, whose room smells like socks.

But she didn't at all, and she wasn't yet interested in being together. She wanted to play with baby dykes seven nights per week, and I wanted to kill it at work and play with baby dykes on the weekends.

So yes, the age gap doesn't only have to be in years, but it can be in maturity as well. Trust me, you won't want to cuff with a 21-year-old fuckboy, whose room smells like socks, while your apartment smells like rich mahogany.

But you will want to fuck that fuckboy, which clearly makes him a fab fuck buddy!