Dirty talk is an acquired skill.
Seriously, talking to someone in a sexual way, whether in person, over the phone or by carrier pigeon, doesn't just roll off the tongue.
You really need to phrase your words properly, all while channeling your inner-Marvin Gaye, if you want to turn sex from simple to steamy.
Granted, I'm no wordsmith, but I do find myself to be relatively vocal when I'm in bed with someone.
I'm not saying I like to recite passages from "The Odyssey" or anything, but I usually find the need to balance out the sounds of grunts and moans with a little sexy side conversation.
My personal go-to: "God, you are so hot." It's a quick confidence booster that works every time.
But not everyone is as eloquent with their word selection as I am.
Sometimes, you can utter something in the moment that, if not constructed in the right way, has the potential to be an immediate boner killer.
If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.
A handful of Reddit users took to the internet to confess the absolute worst dirty talk they've ever heard:
"Cripple me, cripple me!"
While I lived in a dorm there were a few of us having drinks in the lounge and the girl next door started getting railed by whoever she was with at the time. No problem. About 5 minutes later she steps up the volume and all we can hear is 'cripple me, cripple me.' — /u/Standard12
'Mm yes.' Yoda voice included — /u/faspada
"I believe in you!"
This was in amateur porn. The guy was fucking her in the ass, and she was yelling 'Yes, Baby. Fuck my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!' As if the guy was running a marathon or something — /u/DavidJA
"Happy Valentine's Day!"
So although I technically wasn't involved, I still heard it, and it is to this day the funniest dirty talk I have ever heard. My housemate had her boyfriend over for valentines day. They had just gotten out of the shower together and things progressed to the bedroom. I was sitting in the dinning room and started hearing the sounds of their amorous activities. Sounds grew louder as time went on. Finally, at what I assume was the climax, her boyfriend began panting, basically huffing and puffing before shouting: 'Hu... Hu... HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!' This was followed by an extremely awkward pause and a very small 'what?'. Her boyfriend left the house about 5 minutes later. — /u/mekanikstik
"Your beard is scratching me."
my boyfriend and i had just spent all day moving into a new place without stopping to eat. we were starving, but also wanted a quickie before going to get something to eat. we began making out, hands started wandering, and then the dirty talk began. he looked me square in the eyes and said 'think of all of the food we're going to eat.' i'd never been so turned on. bonus story: we were camping once (and therefore hadn't been keeping up with our normal hair removal upkeep). he went down on me and i said 'ow, your beard is scratching me.' he said "your beard is scratching me too.' — /u/teen-laqueefa
"Can we just stop?"
'We have been doing this for a while can we just stop' -Ex girlfriend — /u/portchester7492
"Take my nut!"
I've been searching for the source for the last month but I watched a BBC on BBW porn and this huge black dude yelled at the top of his lungs, 'Take my NUUUUUUUUT BIIIIIIITCH.' Shit was hilarious and he was still 10 minutes away from the cumshot! — /u/PM_YOUR_BOOTY_VAG
"Keep it up."
'Yeah that's great, you're doing great, keep it up' like she was my high school gym coach or something. — /u/HossTM
"Pull it out and stick your tiny dick in my asshole."
An ex of mine at one point in time said, 'Yeah, that's it. Now pull it out and stick your tiny dick in my asshole.' Fucking what? I don't have a tiny dick. Needless to say I lost my boner, and completely killed the mood. — /u/indysteeler
"I stepped in dog shit while barefoot."
Having a mfm threesome with a girl and her Indigenous Australian bf 'you like this Abbo cock you captain cook cunt?!' Another was getting a german girl to talk dirty in german while fucking. After we broke up she revealed she wasn't saying anything sexy, but rather things like 'I have to pick up my washing' or 'I stepped in dog shit while barefoot' — /u/screambloodyleprosy
"I wanna have your abortion."
Girl broke out 'I wanna have your abortion' I almost choked, didn't realize it was a line from Fight Club (book and movie outtake) and she was trying to be funny. — /u/billbapapa
My OH once said he wanted to fuck me in the Arse and I said 'Rut Roh' in my best Scooby Doo voice. Him falling about laughing kind of spoiled the mood a bit. — /u/tilthelastpetalfall
For real, this stuff is ear-bleedingly awful.
Not only should statements like these never be made in the bedroom, but they should never leave someone's mouth, period.
When in doubt, it's probably best to just keep your goddamn mouth shut.