Why Hulk Hogan's Sex Tape Is The Best Sex Tape Ever

by Anonymous

Hulk Hogan: maybe one of the greatest entertainers to ever touch the face of the earth next to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I grew up in an era when Hulk Hogan was at the peak of his career. The days where he was winning titles, ripping his shirt, yelling about Hulkamania and even joining the NWO.

Hulk had the sort of effect on people that is impossible to duplicate. Each and every time that Hulk Hogan walked into the stadium all hell broke lose. Fans would scream at the top of their lungs holding up homemade posters, waving their t-shirts in the air and holding their hands up to their ears and yelling ‘can you hear me’- Hulk’s signature hand gesture. The man was a legend. He put wrestling on the map and paved the way for wrestling’s next great entertainer, the Rock. Hulk Hogan was a staple in the entertainment world and always exhibited a larger than life persona.

Being a huge Hulk Hogan fan, I rooted for him through thick and thin, despite his thinning hair and controversial decision to align himself with the NWO, becoming a heel, or bad guy in the process. To me, he portrayed a badass attitude that encouraged being yourself, loving what you do and working hard to be the best at it. Although not the first bad boy to make it big, his asshole attitude was the first to be loved on such a large scale.

Of course, after his legendary wrestling career, things didn’t turn out too well for the legend. Falling into the curse that we call Reality TV, he witnessed his son narrowly escape death after an awful car accident and could do little as his family slowly fell apart, starting with his wife filing for divorce and taking a large bite out of his wallet. It was painful to watch the Hulk, a man that inspired me as I was growing up, reaching such a low point in his life after his retirement from wrestling.

Even when we thought that things could not possibly get any worse for our idol, they did. Barely being able to keep up with bill payments, Hulk Hogan decided to wrestle on the NWA- a pathetic excuse for a wrestling network that only recruits has-been wrestlers way past their prime. He found out the hard way that he wasn’t the wrestler that he used to be and took a hell of a beating.

Bruised up and battered he caught his ex wife dating a 20 year old and digging into whatever savings he had left.  If this wasn’t bad enough, his daughter decided that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with him and excommunicated him. Each blow he took was felt by countless fans all over America.

And then it all changed. When we thought all hope was gone for our longtime idol we were given a gift that would redeem him in our eyes forever. We were given the greatest sex tape EVER! Last week a preview of Hulk’s rumored sex tape was finally released. No more moping Hulk Hogan; the real asshole Hulk is back. No one but Hulk Hogan could bang the shit out of his ex-friends ex-wife, Heather Clem, with a boner the size of a baby’s arm with so much pizazz.

It was like watching him back in the ring, but only better. This is no Ray J production either; the 30 min footage is shot from the top down angle of a mounted camera with great audio, featuring- you’ve guessed it- subtitles. We can only hope to see the words “Hulkamania” appear on the screen sometime during climax.

Throughout the show Hulk only takes breaks between the sucking and the fucking to curse his son for calling him too much and to put his ringtone from his daughter’s song “About Us” to silent. The butler knew well not to interrupt the king doing the dirty but did mention that he could be reached in his office if anything was needed. After Heather got a mouthful, Hulk was going to call the man back for some rubbers, but she came prepared.

This sex tape confirmed everything that we ever imagined to be true about our badass idol Hulk Hogan. He loves scandals, he’s vulgar, he doesn’t have any issues taking care of business and most importantly, he’s an asshole that loves pussy. This is why we always loved Hulk Hogan and this is what he showed himself to be when in the WWF.

Out of all the sex tapes floating around, this one is by far the greatest- not because it was the steamiest, dirtiest sex one could find, but because it featured the Hulk goddammit! While most sex tapes come out to set someone’s career, for some inexplicable reason or another, on the fast-track, Hulk Hogan’s tape only reminded us that he is still the legendary man we all thought we had lost a while back.

Tom Cooper | Elite.