33 Thoughts You Have When You're Convinced You're Pregnant

by Candice Jalili

I don't care if I haven't had sex in one hundred years, was on birth control and used a condom — if my period is a day late, I am absolutely CONVINCED I'm pregnant.

Still a little sick from the enchiladas I had for dinner last night? That's definitely morning sickness. Still a little bloated from the same enchilada? That's definitely baby weight. Crying because I'm fat and feel like I'm going to puke my brains out? It's because I'm hormonal, obvs.

My brain launches into an all-out PANIC. What will I name my child?! What's the maternity leave policy at my office?! Do we even like have one...? Where will it sleep? Do I even have enough space in my apartment?

Are the three minutes spent waiting for test results more or less scary than living in this constant state of unknown panic?

Come along with me on my journey here as I flesh out the 33 thoughts we all have when we're convinced we're pregnant.

1. Oh my gosh, I'm a day late.

2. Do I get a test?

3. No, don't want to scare myself.

4. But, ugh, is not getting a test scarier?!

5. I mean, what's the point of getting a test... I'm pregnant.

6. OK, I'm not actually pregnant...

7. But what if I am!

8. Is this a sign?

9. Well, I can't keep it.

10. OK, but what if I have a terminal illness I don't know about yet and this child is my only legacy for my loved ones?!

11. OR what if my child is the chosen one and God inflicted this pregnancy on me because my child was intended to save the world from any and all evil?

12. OR maybe I'm just getting fat.

13. Am I hungover, or is this morning sickness?

14. ...or both?

15. What will I name them?

16. It kind of feels like a boy.

17. If I get an abortion, will I be cursed forever and not be able to get pregnant again?

18. Do I even need an abortion after what I did to my body last weekend...?

19. Ugh, dang Catholic guilt. I can't get an abortion.

20. If I put it up for adoption, can I avoid the whole being cursed thing?

21. How do I even go about the whole putting it up for adoption thing?

22. If I did that, would I go to work pregnant or would I go home and work remotely for nine months and just tell people I went to rehab or something?

23. Ugh. I can't take that much time out of the office.

24. I wonder if my mom would raise the baby as her own... she did a pretty good job with me (minus the whole getting knocked up thing, oops).

25. Maybe they'll make a sitcom about me like "pregnant girl on the job" or "hot young professional got knocked up" and this could be my big break.

26. OMG, do I get an agent?!

27. Who do I tell first about this possible pregnancy, my boyfriend or my agent?

28. How much money do I even have? Could I raise this thing?

29. I could toooooootally be a working mom.

30. OK, I probably couldn't.

31. Where would the baby go in my apartment?!

32. Do I have to get married?!!?

33. Holy shit, I take back every time I ever complained about my period. BLEED, UTERUS, BLEED.