A few months ago, the Internet was buzzing about an article about a man who details why he refuses to go down on women.
Spoiler alert: He had a bad experience on his first attempt.
Naturally, this had some members of the female population in uproar, protesting the man’s female-pleasuring habits (or distinct lack thereof).
Subsequently, the writer’s ex-girlfriend published an article of her side of the story.
She claimed that he did in fact attempt to pleasure her orally, but failed to bring her to orgasm because he couldn't alleviate the awkwardness of potentially experiencing an orgasm at the tip of his tongue.
In recent years, there has been a lot more light shed on sexual pleasure and women.
Women seem to be more knowledgeable than ever about their own pleasure.
Women are now willing to let men know how they like it, and men generally seem to be more willing to put in the effort.
This is why when a man writes about why he would never go down on a woman, he's met with animosity from both sides of the gender spectrum.
Women are pretty much expected to go down on men (thanks to unrealistic, male-centric porn), but the same expectation doesn't apply when it comes to the situation in reverse.
Regardless of all this progression in the understanding of sexual pleasure, a major recurring theme persists on both sides of the gender spectrum: self-gratification.
We live in an age of ever-increasing instant self-gratification. If we want anything -- an answer, a takeaway, a cab, a date, a f*ck -- we take out our phones and get it at the tap of a fingertip.
It's brilliant that both sexes are confident enough to convey what they want sexually, but seemingly, it's all in the conveying of what they selfishly desire, not how they can please their partners.
As the old, wise mantra goes: "'tis better to give than to receive."
When we do something for someone else without expecting anything in return, we get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside that no one can really explain.
It's that amazing feeling you get when you help out a fellow human being, without him or her expecting it, and you get a smile and a genuine "thank you" in response.
You get that feeling of warmth when your actions make someone else's day.
There's a reason why those who devote their lives to volunteer work are some of the happiest in the world, and there's a reason why giving while expecting nothing in return has profound benefits for all involved.
Giving for the sake of giving.
When it comes to oral sex, giving is just that: giving.
It's one-sided; one person gives the pleasure, while the other receives it.
It's precisely this aspect of it that causes the most issues. Maybe someone doesn't want to give because that person gets nothing out of it. Maybe someone will only give as much as he or she has received.
Maybe someone will give only as much as his or her partner is expected to receive.
Maybe someone will do it as a favor or as a treat because he or she feels obligated to do it because of personal, cultural or societal expectations.
Whatever the reason, the one thing they all have in common is the giver is not giving because they want to give.
They are giving as a means to an end or as an obligation. Both states of mind have a forced, transactional element to them, rather than a generous or affectionate element.
Without genuine affection or generosity, there is no sincerity. As humans we subconsciously pick up on subtle cues of insincerity without realizing it.
You can tell when someone talks to you only because he or she wants to sell you something or is only interested in having sex with you.
When we sense insincerity, we go the opposite direction.
It elicits emotions of disdain, dislike and disgust.
If we're the ones doing something out of obligation or something we don't want to do, we give out subconscious cues of our insincerity, which repels the receiver.
This is probably not the desired effect you want when trying to bring a partner to orgasm.
Have a desire to be selfless.
Things change when you give because you want to. When there's no obligation or pressure, you can enjoy what you give, for the sake of giving, simply to make the other person happy.
When you give because you want to give, you do it because you love doing it, because giving someone else pleasure gives you pleasure.
This is the essence of amazing oral sex; there's nothing hotter than when the person going down on you loves it.
When those giving enjoy themselves, it puts your mind at ease because they aren't doing something they don't want to do. It relaxes you and will help massively in reaching that big O (no matter what type of O you want).
So, the next time oral sex is on the table (or under the table), ask not what your lover can do for you, but what can you do for your lover.