You're Not Scared Of Commitment, You're Scared Of Losing Yourself

by Amanda Marcus

There's a sense of overwhelming emotion when we hear the word “commitment.”

Merely stating the word can ignite an overwhelming surge of unexplained fear.

But what is it we're truly afraid of when we hear the word "commitment?"

Is it truly being committed to someone that frightens us, or is it something deeper within ourselves? Are we actually afraid of the possibility of losing our wholeness, our independence to somebody else?

I've always thrived off of being independent. I never once questioned my love life because I simply didn't care to.

Guy after guy, I just could not find the desire to give a shit.

It wasn't until I was introduced to the type of raging, passionate, feverish love and the type of crazy, rare intimacy that can only be conveyed through song and novels that I learned why I was avoiding commitment all along.

It was the type of love I could only hold on to for so long without falling deeply. I realized what I was really avoiding was falling so deep into my commitment, I would lose myself.

Are we actually afraid of the possibility of losing our wholeness, our independence to somebody else?

Always refusing the idea of being “tied down,” I ignored all signs pointing in the direction of the perfection of love I once had with my ex.

After he spent months on end trying to take me out, I finally caved into the romance he was presenting me and let myself fall.

At first, I was steadfast about my independence. But after digging deeper into the love I was experiencing, I began to realize I was fully and overly committed.

When timing did its part and my once fervent relationship began to fall apart, I felt myself crumbling along with it.

But why was it that the failure of my relationship became so overwhelmingly disappointing? I had always stood out as "Miss Independent," afraid of nothing, driven to achieve any and all accomplishments on my own.

Coming to senses with my experience, I began to realize I was not sad because of the relationship I had broken, but rather because I had broken my commitment to staying true to who I was.

I let my ex essentially be the biggest part of my life. I let his ideas, his thoughts and his opinions override mine. I basically let him override me. I had lost my independence.

I lost my voice and myself because of the love I was so involved in. Commitment was never the scary part of falling in love. Losing yourself completely is what is ultimately at stake.

When it comes to committing to a relationship, there are factors we weigh out before we make the choice to commit.

While sometimes we just aren't ready to commit, whether it's because of our place in life, our lack of recovery from a past love, a new job or the love we have for being single, commitment issues are not always springing out of fear.

Yet, in that situation, when we find the only flaw in falling is a fear of devotion, maybe we should reconsider what exactly it is that's at stake.

Two years later, after much growth and many new experiences, I now realize the flaws I possessed as an individual in my relationship.

As a fiercely independent person, I wasn't ready to commit myself to someone else, no matter how great the love could be. And after the breakup, I didn't know how to face my feelings without letting my feelings about my ex get in the way.

I wasn't sure of who I was, or who I wanted to be, when I jumped on the decision to date.

I still had self-growth to pursue and endeavors to experience, and not having done either, I let my ex (who was both older and more experienced) override my need to experience it all for myself.

I believed his place in life could be my place, too. I let his journey become mine.

I believed his place in life could be my place, too. I let his journey become mine, and by doing so, my relationship got in the way of the journey I had always promised myself.

I'm not afraid of committing to a relationship after knowing the type of dedication I'm capable of in regards to love, but now I'm more aware of the need to protect myself and not letting love blind my own goals and dreams.

As we face relationships, both short-lived and long-lasting, it's important we don't fear the commitment we can make to love, but rather stay true to the commitment we made to ourselves.

In love, through passion and pain, we must never forget who we were, who we are and who we want to be.