If we are lucky enough, we get to take part in conversations that jerk us back to life, like salt in an open wound. These conversations don’t always happen with the people you would expect. They are accidental miracles with extraordinary human beings.
When the conversation ends and you are walking away, you almost choke when you realize that more than anything in the world — more than your mom’s apple pie, more than hugs from 1000 bunnies, more than a thigh gap —, you want to bang your conversation partner.
This can happen regardless of whether or not the person bears any resemblance to the “type” to which you are normally attracted. If this has happened to you, you might be a sapiosexual.
The Internet is a surprisingly barren place when it comes to information about sapiosexuals. Apparently, the term was created in 1998 and it refers to someone who finds intelligence to be another person's most sexually attractive feature.
The very few articles that exist about sapiosexuals give them a bit of a bad reputation, contending that the term is just a synonym for snobbish, stuck up people. I dare to disagree, since intelligence is not just about book smarts, but rather, emotional intelligence, curiosity and self-awareness, too.
Sapiosexuals can be turned on in a variety of ways that don't include physical touch. Here are a couple examples:
1. Invite them as a date to a work event, a museum, a model car show or a restaurant that serves only variations of fried goat’s brain — and don’t apologize for it. Let them know you know they are capable of navigating the strangest of situations. It will boost their confidence and also the wish to hump you.
2. Reveal your twisted, perverse sense of humor in a nonchalant manner, like a whisper in their ear, intended only for them, when surrounded by people.
3. Use correct spelling when messaging on social media. You will have them at proper capitalization and writing “you.” And, while you are at it, ask them how to correctly pronounce/spell their surname.
4. Take them home and show them how big it is — your book collection, that is. Sapiosexual or not, the world would be a better place if we all pledged not to f*ck people who don’t have a single book at home.
5. Don’t take yourself too seriously; be a fearless dancer, shake it like it is 1968, howl in the karaoke bar as if you wanted to raise your ancestors from their graves. Sapiosexuals know that the human condition is, at best, ridiculous, and they melt when someone else is smart enough to see that.
6. Lean in close, look into their eyes and tell them about your work, using all the nerdy terms you can grab in your moment of excitement. Show an unapologetic, nerdy passion for what you do, and their pants will come down immediately.
7. If you are clueless about a topic, admit it. Intelligent people are not afraid to admit when they don’t know something because there are plenty other things they do know.
8. Read your favorite book to them; it will be like pure erotica to a sapiosexual’s ears. Let the words and the sound of your voice flood over them, washing away any last doubt that all they want to do is ride you like you're the four horsemen of the apocalypse.