Here's Why Giving Your SO An Ultimatum Isn't Selfish, It's Confident

by Desiree Johnson

I have learned and experienced many things during my dating life, but I never thought I'd reach the point of ultimatums with a guy.

I never wanted to be that type of woman. In my head, an ultimatum meant throwing a tantrum, stomping your feet, wanting things your way or the highway.

I think we have these associations that come with the idea of giving your partner an "A" versus "B" option, but dating isn't as black and white as we'd like to make it out to be.

The interesting aspect I've been reflecting about is what drove me to my ultimatum and how I've felt in its aftermath.

Honestly, the odds didn't go in my favor. When I gave the guy I'd been dating for over five months the option to commit and take me seriously or don't call me anymore (literally), I wasn't sure what he would do.

People aren't wind-up toys, they are a damn Rubik's Cube, and I didn't have full faith in the direction we were going in either way.

We've all been there. When you reach a breaking point of really having to decide if this person is worth investing any more time or emotion in.

For me, the decision didn't come easy and I'd been in turmoil for a while trying to figure out how to make a complicated situation simple.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't complicated and it wasn't hard. There were really only two options.

It was owning my confidence as a woman and remembering what I bring to the table and what I have to offer someone in a relationship that led to my decision. I'm not perfect -- far from it -- but I know my worth and what I can contribute to committing to someone.

Relationships aren't easy or simple -- I'm aware of that. There are so many factors at play in the long or short journey couples take to finally being "official."

It's not a "Fast and the Furious" movie where you're trying to get to the finish line. It's a road trip, a long one where you enjoy the twists, turns and miles driven until you get to your final destination.

So believe me when I say I never saw an ultimatum on my path toward happiness. But I got there because the view wasn't looking promising anymore.

There were too many bumps, curves and gas stops that left me with no idea how we were ever going to get to the blissful end zone.

I kept thinking about my past and what I learned from all the partners. Was I repeating my mistakes?

Then I remembered I'm not in my teens or early 20s, I'm in my late 20s and prepared to offer good qualities to a partner.

There's no time for games or nail biting about a man wanting to be with me. So I decided on my ultimatum. It was simple and I don't regret it.

Will I allow myself to get to that point again with a partner? No. There were enough warning signs along the road I chose to ignore or didn't see, and that is part of the reflection process. You learn.

Even if the choices didn't work out as I'd hoped, I'm OK. It stings like any quiet rejection would, but I can look myself in the mirror and stand confident in the woman I am.

So he didn't call? There will be a partner someday who will.

You've got to own the ultimatum and love yourself knowing that person's decision to be or not be with you doesn't diminish your character or what you have to offer.