The luckiest people are those who fall in love more than once in a lifetime. Each love that we endure differs from the one before it -- but to be able to feel one love just as strongly and as vastly as your first love is a truly special thing.
I have only been in love once. I’m still young, so I know that more likely than not, I will be one of the lucky ones who gets the chance to fall in love again.
Still, my feeble optimism hasn’t been enough to get me over my first love; to this day, I still spend more of my time dwelling on my dating past than I do living in my dating present, as much as I try my best not to do so.
The breakup was too shell shocking. When my first love reached its eventual expiration date, I wasn’t ready for it to be over.
It was like someone had shut out the lights and closed the door behind him, leaving me trapped, screaming in the dark.
I used to have a strong sense of self. But then, the person I loved most in the world broke my heart. And all of a sudden, just like that, I forgot who I was.
What is it about falling in love that makes even the sanest person go insane? What is it about putting someone else’s needs above our own that makes us forget our own?
I wasn’t only devastated; I was devastated with curiosity. I had a million and one questions, and no one was -- or is -- willing and able to give me answers.
1. What, if anything, could I have done differently?
Was it an inherent flaw in my character that drove you away, or did I just not give us my all?
2. If you could go back in time, would you have fought for us any harder?
Everything looks glossier in retrospect. I wonder if you look back and wonder if we were worth a fight.
3. If we had met at a different time, would things have turned out the same?
The “perfect” love happens when we meet the right person at the right time. What if I had met you when we were kids? What if I had met you when were both a little older and a little wiser?
4. Did you love me with a guarded heart?
Was there someone from your past who kept you from loving me all along?
5. Will you love someone else the way you loved me?
Just because you couldn’t fall for me doesn’t mean you won’t fall for someone else.
6. If you love someone differently, will you fail at it just the same?
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s you who’s holding yourself back from loving anyone.
7. Have you ever moved on completely from what we had?
I know I haven’t, but I get a little closer to moving on from you every day.
8. Have you overcome the things you used to fear the most?
Will you ever commit to the idea of commitment, or am I foolish to believe that you could?
9. Do I cross your mind from time to time?
I know you don’t think about me all the time -- the way I think of you -- but maybe you do from time to time.
10. What did you learn from our mistakes?
We took more steps back than we took forward. But out of loss, we gain preparedness.
11. Should we try again in the future?
Where does the love that was once there go, anyway? Does it transform entirely, or can it be reused and recycled?
12. Why did it have to end this way?
How could something that started out so beautifully end up leaving trail marks this ugly?
13. Did you grow bored, or did you just want more?
They warned me about young love, and they were right. Your heart wasn’t in it because you had your eye on the rest of the world’s possibilities.
14. Was it me, or was it you?
In my heart of hearts, I know there is not one definitive answer -- but I still run circles in my mind.
15. Will we still be friends?
Can we -- should we -- still be friends?
16. Did being with me make you a better man?
I don’t need to know that you ever loved me the way I loved you. I just need to know that you learned something about love from the way I loved you.
17. Were you ready for a relationship in the moment you promised me one?
I wonder if you knew that the promises you made were empty to begin with.
18. Will you ever be ready for a relationship?
You said you weren’t “ready.” Will you ever be ready? Is anyone really ever “ready?”
19. Did you run out of patience, or did we run out of time?
I have no doubts that you enjoyed spending your time with me. But there were so many other things and so many other people to which you wanted to devote your time.
20. After all we’ve been through, do you regret any of it?
As for me, I don’t. I don’t regret that we met, and I don’t regret that I helplessly fell for you. I regret nothing.
What’s that they say? Oh, right. Curiosity killed the heartbroken.