You message her. She doesn't write back.
You message another woman. No response.
This goes on, week after week.
Why is this story starting to sound so familiar?
If you're like a lot of guys, this is how messaging women typically goes on dating sites.
So, what's going wrong here? How do you fix it?
See, the thing most of us guys don't understand is why this phenomenon actually happens.
My name is Dalton Young.
I'm a style and dating expert at Why Don't Girls Like Me? (And How To Fix It).
I have been in your shoes when it comes to this kind of rejection.
Fast-forward six years and 10 different dating sites, and I have not only mastered my tactics, but I also have made it through to find the things most of us are looking for: love, happiness and starting a family.
Below, I will be outlining why women aren't writing you back when you message them, and how I broke through the rejection.
I will also provide tested strategies to help you break through the rut.
Why You Think She Isn’t Writing You Back
So, let's start off with the things we know (or at least the things we think we know).
So, we have been in the online dating game for a bit now. Therefore, we aren't complete newbs.
Our smoking hot, "to die for" dating profile is up.
We have added every detail we could think of, including our puppy's favorite toy.
We have put up a new profile picture from the party the night before. It's the only picture we have up, and we have our favorite drink in our hand.
Even better, since the chick probably wants to see our body, we have our shirt pulled up to show our "not-so-defined" abs as well.
Now, it's time to starting blowing up every woman's inbox.
Now, they all should want us.
Right? Because we are nice guys pretending to be cool to get women.
Finally, we hit the "send" button.
We're consistently blasting out roughly 100 different messages by copying and pasting the same, "Hey beautiful, what's up?"
We know this line is effective because we heard some meathead from that one pickup site say it.
We wait and wait.
Then, we finally get back some messages by not-so-engaged (and also slightly pissed off) women. They respond, but do not spark a conversation.
This leaves us clueless.
Yes, we get the occasional message back, but we still really struggle to get anything decent.
Our typical conclusion is she's a player or into the "bad boys" who are more ripped than we are.
Understanding why we think how we do can empower us to understand what is actually happening.
These assumptions about women are merely that: assumptions.
On top of that, you have one of the worst profiles out there, if this is related to you at all.
We do not really know what's happening behind the scenes after our messages are sent out.
As a result, we tend to base our assumptions off past relationships or experiences that have gone horribly.
Two of the most common things I hear from my clients who date online are, "I don't know why girls aren't writing me back," and "I try to be the guy they want, but they are still not into me."
This may be true.
However, you may be overcomplicating something as simple as communication with another human.
You must remember it's not rocket science.
If you are putting too much thought into what you should say and how you should act, you are probably not being your true self.
Women on these dating sites are usually seasoned veterans. They tend to have a good "sixth sense."
They know what is real and what isn't.
Something we talk about in our online course is the ability to attract, connect with and commit to a woman.
Why She Really Isn’t Writing You Back
So, let's get past the misbeliefs and theories.
Despite what you and your friends may say, we are about to embark on the true facts to understand the most common reasons women don't respond to your messages.
After we conducted a field survey consisting of 25 different, highly-engaged women from the online dating world, the results were very clear.
We got past the initial responses and really dug into the reality of the situation.
The most common thing we discovered was most women tend to get at least 25 to 100 messages a day (depending on the website).
Let's put that into perspective.
Imagine trying to get to know 25 to 100 people at once. Would you be able to remember what they're like and their dog's favorite toy?
Of course not. It is impossible for the average guy to do so.
So, we must figure out where you fall on the dating game board.
Do your messages sound run-of-the-mill? If they do, I can already tell you you're doomed.
Fortunately, I can change that for you.
Women are looking to be engaged. They want to connect with guys who are real.
Stop running from who you are, and you will discover who you're truly supposed to be.
Stop trying to copy every other guy. You aren't them, and you shouldn't try to be.
So, she is getting overwhelmed by messages from a ton of guys.
This leads us to another common issue: Along with the roughly 25 plus messages she receives each and every day, she is also balancing all those conversations with work, school, cooking dinner and walking the dog.
You see where this is going now? Women are busy.
They usually have a life, friends, family, pets, school and other priorities.
This will lead to those conversations getting pushed to the back burner initially.
Then, one afternoon, while she's having a cup of coffee or taking a walk to relax her mind, she decides to open the dating app on her phone.
It's been a busy past few days for her. Now, she finally has time to open her inbox.
Only, she finds over 200 unread messages.
It becomes overwhelming, and she soon realizes she needs an extra 5 miles of walking in order to read through them all.
She has been hurt by past relationships. She's been burned a time or two by people she thought were nice guys.
So now, she is very selective. She starts scanning and filtering message after message.
Delete. Delete. Respond. Delete.
She typically is not reading profiles if the first message she gets doesn't catch her attention.
Honestly, most women handle it this way because as they sift through all these messages, other guys are seeing them in the "currently online" section.
They start blowing them up as well, right then and there.
She only writes back to messages that truly catch her attention.
She filters them out, often by profile picture, and also if the message made her smile.
She selects the guys who sent the messages that correlate to what she wants in a potential life partner.
She finally finds a decent guy who seems alright, so she starts to message him exclusively.
All the messages that come in while she's talking to him just get pushed to the side and never read.
This pattern goes on and on.
Guys, a lot is going on in that story, and we definitely have heard it more than once before.
That's when we really have to sit back and understand it may not be us.
It may just be she's too busy talking to somebody else, or maybe the message got pushed aside.
There is also the possibility she is not into you.
Let's be realistic, though. Are you into every woman you see?
Of course not. Most guys have some sort of preference.
So, don't let it get to you.
It most likely isn't you (unless you're not being yourself).
Our goal, though, is to actually engage women with whom we have things in common.
We want to show them a man not only capable of keeping a relationship, but also a guy their mom or dad would love for them to be with.
You need to start attracting women who are looking for something more than just meeting random guys.
With all that may be going on, there are often solutions to help you strengthen your online presence.
No, they can't guarantee a connection, but they can give you the right foundation to potentially meet the right woman, should she come along.
If your profile sounded like the guy's above from the party, then you are required to follow the next steps if you ever want to increase your chances of meeting more women.
Even if that profile doesn't sound like you, these tips are still highly recommended for you to check out.
How To Stand Out
Now that we really understand what could be happening, we can adjust our strategies to match the real needs of the women we are interested in.
Now, as I mentioned before, you will message plenty of women and still get no reply.
That is just how it is.
Our goal, though, should be to understand how we can attract more like-minded women than we were before.
Start by targeting the right women.
If you message 100 women with a copied script and only get five replies, then you're definitely doing something wrong.
Now that you understand it, you can focus on being yourself for once. Begin to refine your strategy.
If you do it right, you can increase your chances.
Message only 25 women with whom you actually feel you have a lot in common.
If five of them respond, then you just increased your reply conversion by 15 percent.
You want to target women who you actually think would make a great fit for you, and vice versa.
How do you do this? All you need to do is read her profile and utilize it while messaging her.
She's already telling you what she's into, but it's up to you to interpret it.
If you are just messaging every hot woman you see, you will be on the road to a very negative online dating experience.
Also, by attracting and engaging women with similar interests, you will be able to strike up (and continue) a better conversation with them.
As a result, the conversation will become more exciting for the both of you.
It will leave you both constantly refreshing your inboxes at 2 am.
Aside from targeting the right women, there are other key aspects, like your profile pictures.
These are vital, and will be deal breakers to most women dating online.
Seriously, guys, do not screw this part up.
Women use the photos the same way you do.
They want to put a face to your personality, since this isn't the typical in-person coffee shop encounter.
You can really read a lot about a person using his or her profile picture.
Some of the most exclusive tips we share with our clients for finding the best pictures for their profiles include the following:
- Be sure to have between three and five pictures.
- The default picture should be of you only, and it should show your face.
- For your additional photos, make sure you are visible in each one. Be with (or engaged in) the following: friends, pets, family or a hobby or interest.
- All pictures should be clear. Also try to keep most of them casual.
- Do not use photos that look "Photoshopped" or from a studio. Quality mid-res to hi-res photos are important, but staged ones will take away your credibility.
- Avoid wearing wife-beater tank tops, pants that are sagging or anything else that may scream, "I'm a player." These will limit your selection of women significantly.
- Do not post pictures showing excessive alcohol, nudity or inappropriate gestures. They just kill your profile, and they will most likely also offend people.
There are also a lot of other critical tactics when it comes to messaging women.
There are many dos and don'ts when it comes to this.
The same goes for your profile.
Your profile is the second step women take to validate getting to know you better.
You want to send messages that engage her and make her want to visit your page.
These steps are critical to successfully meet women off the Internet.
You spent all this time learning how to get her to talk to you, so be sure you score a second date.
Bring your A game when you pick her up in your freshly cleaned ride.
It is up to you to take charge of the dating game and change your life.
I wish you the best of luck, my friend.
(Check out "The Truth Behind Online Dating (Part Two): Men’s Dating Profile Generator And What To Say In The First Message" for more pro tips.)
This article was originally published on Why Don't Girls Like Me? (And How To Fix It).