Hey Nice Guy and Fuckboy,
I wanted to ask you guys about Tinder. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we have a very solid relationship.
He's met my parents, I've met his and we've seriously spoken about marrying one another when we're (financially) ready.
However, he still uses his Tinder profile. It's not something he's intentionally tried to hide from me.
He tries to make it seem like he's just doing it out of boredom, which, I guess, is fine.
In order for me to be 100 percent OK with it, I was hoping he'd be down to show me the conversations he has with girls, so we could laugh about it together.
He won't do that, though, which makes me think he's doing something inappropriate.
I don't doubt that he loves me, and he doesn't do anything else to make me feel insecure about our relationship. But what's the point of talking to these chicks on Tinder?
I just can't seem to understand his intentions behind it, and it'd be so much easier for me to accept if I knew he was doing it as an ego boost or something.
What do you guys think? Be as blunt as possible, please :).
Cheers, Not a Trump fan
Hey there, Not a Trump fan.
I'm not a fan, either! Fortunately, though, I'm Canadian, and this election doesn't impact me nearly as much as it would impact you.
If Trump is elected, though, I will offer my basement to those fleeing the country for an acceptable price, until you find something more suitable. Just throwing that out there.
This is where my charity ends, unfortunately. You wanted blunt, so I'm going to try my best to do so, despite my apprehension for hurting your feelings.
What I'm about to say is intended to be delivered in the most honest, constructive way possible. Here it goes.
Your query is ridiculous! Considering your political inclination, you don't seem like a dumb person, but you're certainly acting that way in your relationship.
There's a very fine line between being a “cool” girlfriend and being a doormat. You are, without question, being the latter.
Not only is your man walking all over you, but he's proudly wiping his filthy feet on your baseless generosity every time his selfish, inconsiderate finger lands on the app, when it could and should be pleasuring you.
I honestly don't know of any woman on the planet who would be OK with her man using Tinder, unless they were in an open relationship. Since you don't mention such a status in the email, I'm going to assume it's not open.
One of my best friends used the app “for fun” every time he left the city, so he would never encounter one of his girlfriend's friends on the app. Guess what? He cheated on her twice, that I know of.
He's since deleted the app and remained faithful. But regardless, he still cheated.
My point is that my friend — who was doing the same thing as your man, only on a more discrete level — has cheated, so I'm pretty inclined to believe your guy has done the same, emotionally and/or physically.
I mean, a single conversation on the app, under the guise of being single, is evidence of emotional cheating.
It is a dating app, after all. Telling you he has the app (an admission of guilt in and of itself) before he uses it doesn't make his justification any more acceptable. It makes you look foolish.
You should have never been OK with this. That was your first mistake — a mistake that opened a gateway to other questionable behavior.
Letting him use the app gives him a proverbial upper hand. Your allowance communicates that your own insecurity in trying to keep him happy gives him power in the relationship.
You mention that his reasons for using the app could serve as an ego boost, but in the prior sentence, you mention that him using the app makes you feel insecure. Are sacrificing your own confidence to give him an undeserved ego boost? Why?
Because your man wants his cake, and he wants to eat it too. That's why.
He has you as his constant, loving wifey, all while casually perusing the veritable landscape of potential mates on Tinder. He's got it pretty good, doesn't he? I mean, you've given him quite the lifestyle.
If there's nothing better out there, he'll stay with you. You are his consolation prize. That's what you're putting out there by accepting this behavior.
We collectively romanticize the idea of “the one” when seeking romance, but the truth of the matter is, there are many compatible mates out there for all of us.
What you're doing gives him opportunity to find another one of those people. I mean, I met my fiancée on Tinder. It is possible.
I will admit that I do miss Tinder myself. Like you say, it's fun. It's what I primarily did while I went to the bathroom, if I'm being grossly honest.
But I love and respect my fiancée too much to even flirt with that idea. Since you two are talking marriage when you're more financially stable, I'd like to think you deserve that same respect.
His reasons might not be as sinister as I'm making it out to be, and I hope they're not. Regardless, though, he has to get rid of Tinder, without question.
Not only does he have to delete the app, but he must delete his entire account, which is a different process entirely. Watch him do this. Be his witness. You've been far too generous at this point, and you need to stand up for yourself.
Tell him that, while using the app might be some lighthearted fun for him, it's hurting you. Have him read this column, if that's what it takes. He might not see his behavior for what it is, but this is how it's being regarded from the outside.
If none of that works, ask him how he'd feel if you did the same. If he says he wouldn't care, then you do you. Swipe on, girl. Swipe on.
PS: The offer still stands on renting my basement. Just let me know when, and we can discuss pricing.
To Not a Trump Fan,
While your political instincts are sharp and need no seasoning, your social intuition may very well benefit from some touching up.
Apologies for being rude, but you need someone to just come out and say it.
If there were ever a situation that didn't need analyzing, this was it. Even I would concede that flaunting your online dating profile in your significant other's face is a dick move, particularly if you guys are so serious.
I've done it, but my other wasn't significant, and we'd MET on the damn thing. I was trying to recall a conversation we had, and she still got pissed.
Even when HER name was highest on the rundown, meaning I hadn't matched with anyone since, she still wanted to carve my dick out.
These dating apps are dangerous, man.
The point is, you don't like dating apps. You feel like he shouldn't have one while you're dating. He knows this, and he's doing it anyway.
Maybe he's just being annoying and not actually being unfaithful, but his intentions are to talk to other women. Period. The app isn't known for being very multi-faceted.
What we can explore, though, is why he's still swiping left and right, at least from a practical perspective.
The truth is, Tinder starts to hide your profile if you become inactive, and it takes prolonged use to get your profile back in circulation once you start using again.
If you don't stay swiping, you get buried. Then, if something happens to you guys, that leaves him on the bottom of the Tinder barrel.
This is why I recommend all men spend about 10 minutes on the app per week, even if it's just randomly swiping, for their own sake, in case of an emergency. It's like an insurance policy.
You don't want to flatten a tire, call AAA and still be stranded on the side of the road, do you?
I think you should take his behavior very personally — not because I believe it's shitty for him to be on Tinder, but because it is shitty for him to be half-showing you.
He's trying to skew the power of balance in the relationship, and that's not cool.
I may be a fuckboy, but I don't believe in taking shit from people, just because they can give it to you.
If you're going to bring it up to him, you need to be calculated in how you do so. Don't pull the self-righteous card, as there's nothing guys hate hearing more than "I don't deserve this," or "This isn't the way you treat a woman."
Live outside the absolutes, and be clear and direct.
The next time he shows you Tinder, or the next time it comes up, ask him not to do it anymore. If he declines, call him a scumbag and leave him.
You could also just withhold sex. Or don't do that, fake smile, shake it off and maybe just be happy he's not on Bumble. They have hotter chicks there, anyway.
Unfaithfully yours, Treez