Spring is in the air once again, and that means love is in the air, too. Like wrestling, love has no off-season, but it seems like spring brings rejuvenation. Couples seem more plentiful and happier than they did during the bleakness of winter. They're out and about enjoying their time together. I get a view of this, but it's always from the outside looking in.
It's like I have tickets to the World Series, but I can't get out on that field and play. It looks great from afar. Love looks fun and — dare I say — magical.
This article is all in theory, of course, as some of you know I have never been in a relationship. I always thought, “What would I do with a girlfriend if I had one?” Turns out, I would do a lot of things.
Now, let's get one thing out of the way. There's nothing sexual on this list. I keep those things private (except for the letter I sent Penthouse, which is still pending).
So, here are six things I would do with a girlfriend, if I had one:
1. Go To The Supermarket With Her
Yes, you read that right. If I had a girlfriend, I would go to the supermarket with her. I love to visit the supermarket, and no, it's not just because I'm a man of size. I just love it. I love walking down the aisles checking out new products. It relaxes me.
One thing I always see at the supermarket is couples. And for the most part, they're just doing their thing. They're getting what they need to fuel their bodies, but on occasions, I see a couple who's having fun. They're happy and have smiles on their faces. They're discussing things they've done or plan on doing, all while shopping for the food that nurtures their bodies.
I would love to do that with a woman. Have a loving conversation about which Netflix series we're going to binge-watch while getting Fruity Pebbles sounds like my cup of tea. I (just like "Foreigner") want to know what love is. And that may be it.
2. Watch Wrestling With Her
It's been said that the true mark of love is wanting to share your passions with someone. I really don't know if that's been said, but it sounds like it has, right?
I am a lifelong wrestling fan, and though it's true my fandom has subsided in the recent years, I still love me some squared-circle action. I had to miss WrestleMania Live this year because I was taking a class, and it killed me. WrestleMania is a wrestling fan's Super Bowl. I would like to share that with the woman I love.
My best friend and his wife watch wrestling together, and it's adorable. Breaking down the various storylines, arguing over which wrestler has the best finishing move and most importantly, feeling cheated when WWE “screws over” your favorite Superstar are, in my mind, excellent bonding activities. You feel cheated together, and there's something sweet about that.
3. Talk With Her
I love to talk, and that's probably why I love to write. There's nothing quite like expressing your ideas and opinions in a safe space to a person for whom you care deeply.
It's better than sex. Well, it's better than mediocre sex, at least. I want to talk politics and pop culture with my girlfriend. Hell, I would even love to talk about the weather. It's a wonderful thing to speak with someone who generally cares for and about you, and I want that.
4. Take A Drive With Her
I am a born and raised New Yorker, and I love to drive. Weird, right? As far as I'm concerned, nothing beats a twilight drive on a Saturday evening.
You get a cool, sexy vibe while the music is playing. You feel like Will Smith in the “Summertime” video. What would make that even more perfect is having a woman I'm in love with riding shotgun.
It's also nice to have another pair of eyes to look out for cops when I'm speeding. Just two people in love, going wherever the wind and the gas tank takes us.
5. Dance With Her
Now, this is tough to admit, but I'm not the best dancer. I have some rhythm, but not as much as a black and Puerto Rican man like myself should have. Sad, I know. That being said, I would love to dance with my future lady love.
It could happen exactly like it did for Stefan Urquelle and Laura Winslow on “Family Matters.” I can see it now. Me in a comically baggy, white '90s suit, and the two of us sultrily dancing as a crowd gathers around us. And all of this happens to the tune of Babyface's “For The Cool In You” Oh, yeah.
6. Walk With Her
I've talked about driving. I've talked about dancing. Now, I culminate in walking. Anticlimactic, I know. But, there's a reason I saved walking for last.
I'm from Brooklyn. And anyone who knows me knows I love to spin some yarn about my hometown. There's a place in southern Brooklyn not far from where I grew up that I love in particular.
It's a body of water known as Caesar's Bay. Along Caesar's Bay, there's a waterfront walkway. I don't even know the official name of the walkway. In Brooklyn, we just call it “The Water By Caesar's Bay.” The walkway is gorgeous, especially at night and even more so at twilight.
With amazing views of the Verrazano Bridge, it's a place where people go to take take a stroll with their kids or go for a jog. As a teenager, I played baseball on the diamonds that line the walkway. One thing you always see at Caesar's Bay is couples romantically strolling along the walkway.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always wanted to walk hand in hand with a girl down by that water. That's something on the bucket list. I don't care if an agent discovers my stand-up set tomorrow and whisks me away to a life of fun and adventure in Hollywood. The minute I'm in a loving relationship, we're packing our bags and going straight to Brooklyn, so I can walk hand in hand with the woman I love down by the water at Caesar's Bay.
That got a little more emotional than I anticipated. Much like Drake, I got caught in a moment. So, there's my list the six things I would do with my girlfriend, if I had one. And yes, I am planning on having one. When I do, I'll let you guys know how I did.