Tinder is the equivalent of last call at the bar. You've tried all the other apps, it's 2 a.m., time to go home, you'll pretty much swipe on anyone, and whoever you match with will do.
If they're employed and not a serial killer, they could be my husband, right?
Since Tinder is kind of a war zone — and since men have put me through enough in my life that if I mess with them on a dating app for a few days, it won't be the end of the world — I decided to have a little fun with my messaging.
What kind of fun, you didn't ask?
Well, I decided to only message guys on Tinder using Trump quotes — and some quotes from Spicer and Comey as well, for one week. I used this handy dandy Fusion article as a guide, which has about 107 insane quotes that Trump has said over the last few decades, to help me out.
Turns out, no one really knew that I was using political quotes to talk to them, they just thought that this was my personality.
To begin, instead of a series of pictures, my Tinder profile was not even of my face.
It was a close up of my lips, with the words “Help Me” written across them in lipstick. However, I was getting more matches than ever before.
Why were men swiping? What is wrong with people? And when I say people, I obviously mean men. What is wrong with men?
But it made me feel a little bit less bad about f*cking with them on an dating app, which I was about to do.
Here is how some of my conversations went.
1. The Crossfit Church Goer
I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which in theory I am. — Donald Trump, Cripped America: How to Make America Great Again
OK, so it made me feel a little bit mad to mess with this guy after I read his bio, in which he used a lot of emojis. Adam described himself as loyal, faithful, religious, and a huge MMA fan who didn't drink or smoke.
He also couldn't spot a Trump quote, and I didn't really understand his response to my reply. Did he think I was a model? I always thought I could be a model!
2. The Writer
3. Tattoo Mustache Guy
There should be no fuzz on this whatsoever. The Russians interfered in our election. — James Comey, testimony before the Senate committee
I matched with a guy who was covered with tattoos and had a legitimate handlebar mustache. It was like a casting agent was trying to fill the part of a hipster for a car commercial, and this guy stopped by a costume store on the way to the audition.
I decided to spice things up by using a quote from James Comey's testimony, because mommy got bored. (I am mommy.)
The guy totally had no idea what I was talking about, but I got a cute gif of a puppy back!
4. The Polyamorous Guy
Some women are highly aggressive and they want sex, no different from men and sometimes worse. — Trump University Blog, 2006 A woman who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. — Donald Trump to Howard Stern, 2005
This guy was polyamorous, in an open relationship, and also a weed dealer. He wanted to "get weird" but apparently would not hold my bra size against me.
He was also, unfortunately, the hottest guy I was messaging with. (Of course, I was attracted to the unavailable weed dealer.)
5. The Guy Who Is Somehow 2,447 Miles Away
How did I match with a guy who is 2, 447 miles away? That does not seem to make any sense to me. However, it happened. Does he pay for some sort of expensive version of Tinder where you can just match with anyone anywhere?
However, with a little bit of time, Jesse was really the only one who got it.
Looks like I'm gonna be Jesse's Girl. (Is that what the song is about? The song is about this article.)
6. The Guy Who Didn't Respond
I guess this guy doesn't think that global warming is a hoax?
So, I came to the conclusion that men don't really expect a lot from women on dating apps. First of all, they were willing to swipe right on just a picture of my mouth. So what was I doing spending all that time picking photos of myself for?
Secondly, they couldn't differentiate my actual personality from Donald Trump's.