Ah social media, a wonderful way to connect with people you haven’t seen in a while, rekindle your old high school flame or to see what your potential new lover is up to.
These days, thanks to social media, your potential new lover’s reputation arrives before he or she does, possibly hindering any connection -- without even going on a first date. The following are the top 10 social media relationship breakers:
1. Instagram status
Before you enter a relationship, you must ask yourself a very important question: Will your pictures with your potential new lover be a hit on Instagram? Because, if the answer is no, is he really the one for you?
2. Instagram stalking
Before you go on your first date, you do the next rational thing and decide to learn more about him… by stalking his page. It’s all a blur, but next thing you know, you end up on his brother’s girlfriend’s best friend’s cousin’s maid’s dog’s page.
But, of course, that's not before getting back to his page and accidentally liking a picture from 65 weeks ago, since at this point, you are completely delirious. You must then deactivate your account and start a new life in China.
3. Sluts on Instagram
These days modeling contracts have been replaced by self-proclaimed Instagram bios, which not so subtly imply titles like “fitness model,” “fashion connoisseur,” “lingerie model” and so on.
Thanks to Instagram filters, plenty of Photoshop apps and numerous amateur photographers, you can now be an Instagram model! These Instagram models are everywhere, and you can be certain that your boyfriend has already followed them. A perfect example is Jen Selter:
“Butt” who cares, right? Guess what? Your boyfriend does.
4. Likes and comments on Instagram
Just when you think everything is going swell with your potential new lover, you open up Instagram, click on the activity page, then boom, you now get to see your future baby daddy liking pictures of Instagram models and commenting on how Brenda "sure looks wonderful in her undies."
Obviously, the next logical step to take is to stalk all of Brenda’s pictures, cry for an hour, take screenshots and send them to all of your friends while wailing at what a cheater your man is (even though you have only gone on one date).
5. Not posting pictures with your girlfriend on Instagram
You have been on two dates with the potential new lover, and you think he’s alright. You actually don’t even know if you like him yet, but hey, it’s the holidays and it sure would suck to spend them alone.
You notice Emma has a ton of pictures on Instagram with her boyfriend, and granted, they have been dating for five years, but you don’t care! It’s not about Emma, it’s about you, and you’re tired of only posting pictures with your cat.
So, you stalk your potential new lover’s Instagram along with the Instagram pages of every girl who shows up in his pictures, since you happen to have five hours to spare. Five hours later, you have now convinced yourself that he has slept with all of these girls, including his third cousin Becky.
What is he hiding? Why hasn’t he posted any pictures of you two?! The obvious, logical next step would be to text him 10 paragraphs about your feelings because you have every right to be upset … right?? Right!
6. Not texting your girlfriend back but being active on Instagram
You and your guy have managed to move past some of the Instagram obstacles, but now you just sent him 12 pictures of your cat from different angles, and yet, it’s been five minutes and he hasn’t responded with 12 emojis of how adorable your pussy is.
I mean, if he’s not going to appreciate your cat, can you even see yourself having children with this guy!?
Sure, he could be working or sleeping, but you don’t have time to think so sensibly, so you decide to take matters into your own hands. You pray that for his own health and safety (and for your sanity), he does not have any recent activity on Instagram.
Nope, he just followed some girl on Instagram. Your heart drops, your day is ruined, you cut your hair and decide that you are going to bang his brother for revenge all within a span of six minutes. You even text all your friends that it’s over and you hate him ... but, wait ... OMG, he just responded. False alarm, everyone.
7. Snapchat status
Your relationship with the “bae” is going great!
You decide to take the next step by adding him on Snapchat. Suddenly, you notice his top three best friends include two of his exes and a girl named Jessica. You have grown since your Instagram jealousy days, and you refuse to give into these Snapchat games.
Which is why you realize you need to send him 75 selfies, like, yesterday in order to make it on to the best friend’s list.
8. Snapchat best friends
So you make it onto bae's best friend list and can finally relax, right? Wrong! Jessica just knocked you down a spot and you are about to lose it. I mean who the f*ck is Jessica and how long have they been sleeping together!?
9. Snapchat screenshots
Now that you’ve realized Jessica is his sister and you’re officially back to being his number one, you can now continue posting pictures of you two on Instagram so everyone knows how perfect your one-month relationship is.
One night you have seven drinks too many, and decide to spice it up by sending him a nude, since after all, Snapchat pictures get erased after a few seconds, so what could possibly go wrong?
The next morning, you wake up as hung over as Tara Reid on any given day with a notification that a screenshot was taken by none other than your bae.
10. Tinder and other dating apps
If the screenshot of your bare nipples wasn’t bad enough, your friend Lauren decides to rain on your parade by revealing the fact that she saw your man on Tinder and seven other dating apps with a quote in his description that says, “I’m not like most guys.”
You are now officially one bad relationship away from getting 30 cats and calling it a day.
The truth is, whether we like to admit it or not, we have all fallen victim to this social media cycle. We no longer have the ability to get to know each other naturally and let things take their course.
Instead, we let social media take the driver's seat, and we are at its merciless control, just like Charlie Sheen in his tiger blood days. And, if that isn't bad enough, committing to someone nowadays can be difficult since social media makes it so easy for us to meet new people.
It's so easy that swiping left in PJs on a Friday night is what living is all about.
Cheer up, buttercup. We are all in the same boat and there is a place for people like us! It’s called @daddyissues_ on Instagram, where we all vent about our single lives.