Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen. I come to you the bearer of truly excellent news.
IT'S NATIONAL MASTURBATION MONTH!
OK, so it technically started at the beginning of May and I'm a little behind the times reporting this, but, hey, every day is national masturbation month in my eyes. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Anyway, what better way to celebrate this glorious time of the year than with a truly fascinating, deep dive into the masturbatory habits of your fellow friends, enemies and acquaintances?
I know you're excited, you little pervs. Who doesn't wanna know who's wanking where, when and with what? I sure do.
People are doing interesting things when it comes to their self-love.
For instance, did you know that Channing Tatum is the number 1 masturbatory fantasy of us women-folk? I know this may not be too surprising considering he is a delicious hunk of man-meat, but my money was FOR SURE on Idris Elba (Idris, if you're reading this, call me).
For the boys, J.Lo is still the #1 hottest lady to wank it to. J.Lo is like a fine wine. She just gets better with age. Damn, she is flawless. I for one am delighted that the pea-brained men of this planet are at least smart enough to realize the goddess that is Jennifer Lopez. She'll always be the only Jenny on my block.
Thanks to the help of We-Vibe's Passion Report, which surveyed 1,032 men and women across the US regarding their thoughts, habits and preferences around masturbation and sex, I've brought you some of the best stats on people's masturbation habits so you can figure out just how much of freak you really are.
Routines don't always mean boring.
I recently made a really choice playlist called VAY-JAY JAMS for all my lady loves to have some magical tunes to act as a soundtrack for their self-love. Everyone needs a masturbation playlist because you have to set he mood. Because we've all got a routine, right?
Well, according to We-Vibe's Passion report, 62 percent of respondents say they follow a general routine when masturbating. This includes stuff such as watching Red Tube, looking at photos, using a vibrator OR listening to music (Vay-Jay Jams, what what!).
Oddly enough, women in a relationship are more likely to follow a general routine (62 percent) when masturbating than if they were single (56 percent). I guess the single ladies like to change it up a bit. I'm down for that. I mean, the most fruitful relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. You should keep the spark ~alive.~
Spicing it UP.
To the surprise of approximately no one, 91 percent of males believe watching new content is the best way to spice up their routine. LOL to men and their porn ADD.
God forbid the best way to spice up your masturbation habits would be by using your imagination.
I'm just kidding with all the teasing. Whatever, guys. You do you.
Only 67 percent of women agree that watching new sexy vids is the way to refuel desire for your own damn self. Apart from that, 53 percent of women believe incorporating new toys is the best way to spice up their routine. Holla at the sex toys! I, Auntie Gigi, think that every lady should have their one trusty vibe, but hell, if trying new toys isn't FUN.
Women are 16 times more likely than men to report always using a sex toy when masturbating.
Only 22 percent of guys think using a sex toy is the way to electrify their self-love. Maybe now is the time that dudes invested in some vibrating gloves. I'm sure the tide would change.
Now this is where it kind of gets weird.
People still lie about their masturbation habits. Forty-nine percent of respondents say they embellish or downplay their sex life. Fifteen percent of people are exaggerating the sex they're having, while 14 percent of people are downplaying it.
I don't think anyone should be downplaying his or her sex life. You should be proud of the sex you're having. And you should really WANT to talk about it.
The thing that I found most shocking out of all this information was that a BIG chunk of people say they don't openly talk about their sex life.
According to the survey, almost one quarter, 22 percent of participants, say they have never spoken openly about their sex life. This made me feel sad all over my body and in my soul. Sometimes I get kind of down about people and their self-consciousness about sex.
Some days I really believe that the world is changing and we're learning to be open and honest about sex and then BOOM, I find out that 22 percent of people don't even want to TALK about it.
Hopefully, I've helped to enlighten and maybe even intrigue you a little bit with these fascinating finds. Happy Masturbation Month, everyone! May your self-love be plenty, and your orgasms strong.
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