I can sit here and deny it and say, "I don't know how it happened." I can blame the amount of alcohol I drank and say my judgement was cloudy. I can say a million different things.
They would all be lies, though. I knew I was going cheat.
Maybe I didn't consciously know -- I had thoughts running through my head that made me think I was crazy -- but some part of me knew. I was fighting with my own mind, I was telling myself, "Stop with the immoral thoughts, you devil woman."
It didn't matter. No matter how many times I shook the thought from my head, it came back. It was glued in the back of my mind, and my brain refused to let it go.
How did I know I was going to cheat?
I had been in my relationship for six months, we were in love and I was content. I thought I was happy.
I learned to deal with fighting as a part of the relationship. All couples fight, right? Probably not as often as we did. Things that made me unhappy were swept under the rug and I felt like my feelings weren't treated as a big deal.
I didn't feel appreciated, simple as that. I wanted to be wanted, and I wanted to be heard. Eventually I realized I wasn't happy and I wasn't living.
The night I cheated I went out to a party, and I felt alive. I felt free of all of the negative feelings that had been eating at me, and most importantly, I was happy.
I cheated because it made me feel the way I had longed to feel. I finally felt wanted, and like someone was listening to me. It's hard to explain the feeling anymore than simply just being "free."
I never in my life had intentions to cheat. I was never a person you would look at and say, "she's definitely a little promiscuous." I never condoned cheating, and hated to even think that someone could do it to me.
Turns out, it happens to the best of us. We're all capable of making mistakes and doing things we never thought we would.
When we feel a certain type of loneliness in ourselves, we look for ways to fulfill that empty space. If you're not happy in a relationship, making rash decisions can sometimes be the easiest way to make you feel full again.
I'm not condoning that it's OK to cheat just because you're unhappy; there are better and more effective ways to deal with your relationship. But, I'm saying cheating can happen when you're in that type of place and that's OK too.
I'll leave you with this: If you even think you're having these cheating thoughts, take a step back for a minute and evaluate your life. Make the decision that best suits you, and makes you happy.
Your happiness comes first. Quit worrying about what everyone else is thinking and just do you.