10 Things I'd Rather You Buy Me Than An Engagement Ring

I love sparkly, diamond, shiny, glittering things more than any other glam-obsessed girl creature I know —except for maybe Kim Kardashian West.

Yes, girl is now sporting TWO diamond rings so massive that I'm not sure how her dainty fingers don't snap in half from all that weight.

Her original engagement ring from Yeezy himself was a humble 15 fucking carats. Her newest engagement ring is a MUCH more civilized 20 carats.

Check out this viral Instagram video of Kim K showing off her new mega rock (and her new square-tipped mani). Damn, does anyone else thing it's a shame Kim K isn't a drag queen? She would have KILLED the game.

Oh, and did I mention this new rock costs $8 million? It's been deemed the most expensive celebrity engagement ring of all time.

While I'm not really obsessed with the whole Kardashian Kult and I don't really understand why they're so fascinating that the entire media revolves around their latest tweets, I will still confess: I respect Kim's unabashed love for all that is glam.

After all, it takes a glamor puss to know a glamor puss. And I completely get the desire to adorn oneself in all that glitters (which, in her case, is most definitely gold).

It takes a glamor puss to know a glamor puss.

Every woman I've ever dated thinks that because I'm Kim K-level glam (just a broke, less ample version), I wear red lipstick during the day and consider the bar at the Bowery Hotel to be a dive bar, I'm going to want a mega-diamond engagement ring, too.

But I could give two shits about an expensive engagement ring, let alone TWO.

If the average engagement ring is approximately $4,000 to $6,000, I'd rather that money go to something else.

First of all, I don't want anything I wear on my body to be average, so I would rather have a totally unique, $400 vintage ring no one has ever seen before and spend that $5,000 on a gazillion other much cooler, less basic things.

Kim's ring is gorgeous, but since we all can't afford to spend $8 million on a rock so large it could feed an entire country and then some, here are 10 things I would rather spend my "typical engagement ring" money on:

1. An inclusive romantic holiday to Tunisia with you, my dear future lover.

Who could say no to that?

2. These fierce shoes by Isabel Marant.

Naturally.

3. A year's worth of therapy with a top shrink from the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

I mean, how are we going to have an amazing marriage unless we're happy, fully-realized individuals?

4. A vintage Chanel bag.

There is NOTHING more beautiful in the world than a VINTAGE CHANEL BAG. I'll say "I do" to a vintage Chanel bag faster than a diamond (I'm self aware and I know it will take a non-traditional monster to marry me).

5. A $5,000 donation to Planned Parenthood.

So our future children might POSSIBLY have comprehensive sex education.

6. Two weeks in the Hamptons during the winter when it's off season, super cozy and romantic.

There will be zero tourists, and we can have mind-blowing sex by the fireplace and fall in love all over again.

Because, really, what's more romantic than East Hampton during the off season? Nothing, babes. Nothing.

Plus, we'll be able to get a reservation anywhere that time of year and also be able to rent a sick car. That's way cooler than a ring, girl.

7. A trip to Bali.

Bali is a place where, once you get past the airfare, a gorgeous paradise awaits.

We can live like blissful queens and become enlightened and bask in the beauty of it all (and, of course, have amazing SEX SEX SEX because diamonds, trips, all of it is connected to SEX SEX SEX).

8. Go out to dinner five nights a week for a year.

Honestly, I would prefer this one. Let's eat at all the fabulous places in Manhattan for a fucking YEAR and forget about a damn ring. Just saying, babe.

9. A summer house share in Provincetown and live there all summer long.

This one is so I can get the hell out of the hot cesspool that is Manhattan, and spend my summer writing an award-winning novel on Cape Cod.

10. Last but not least, I really want a dog.

Don't worry, I'll adopt one. But we all know it's going to cost a pretty penny to raise and rehabilitate our adorable shelter pup.

Editor's note: The caption of the Instagram post above incorrectly says that Kim Kardashian's first engagement ring cost $8 million, but it was actually $1.25 million. The second engagement ring cost $8 million.