Be wary if your boo is super handsy with you.
I have definitely been used for sex before. I have been used for sex by guys I was hooking up with and by boyfriends who, after a few weeks, I realized had no interest in finding out who I actually am. Sometimes, all you're looking for in a relationship is sex, which is totally fine if that's all you want. We don't need to have deeply intimate bonds based on actual romantic feelings with everyone. But if you're wondering, “Is he using me for sex?” and you’re looking for something more substantial, then it can feel terrible when you come to the conclusion that yes, you are just someone’s booty call.
When your feelings aren't reciprocated — and when they’re just looking to hook up with you and get out the door ASAP — then you're not getting the relationship you deserve. But it can be really hard to tell where you stand with people, especially in this social media dating age, where we operate in such a gray area. It's easy to get a lot of attention from someone without them actually being present in real life.
If you, like me, have ever wondered whether the person you’re seeing is only interested in sex, then you should probably know what the red flags are for this situation. To get some answers, I reached out to dating expert Mark Stefanishyn, self-love activist and author Susan Ball, and dating coach and expert James Preece, and they say to keep an eye out for these signs.
They May Only Want Sex If They Say “I Love You” Immediately
I once dated a guy who asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date. He had never had feelings like this before! He wanted to move in together! He couldn't wait to introduce me to his parents! He loved to show me off in public and introduce me to his friends, but the moment he had any real boyfriend responsibilities, he was suddenly unavailable. But you know what he was available for? Sex.
Ball says if you hear words from your partner like, "I've never met anyone like you, baby. We are going to be together forever. I love you," too soon after you start seeing someone, then it is definitely "time to bounce." This person is probably into the fantasy version of you, and your relationship is built on lust.
They May Only Want Sex If They’re Super Handsy
What do you call a man who wants sex all the time? I call him not interested in a real relationship. When a guy says he wants you sexually and can’t keep his hands off you but makes no effort to show up for you in any other way, that's actually a bad sign. According to Ball, if “you're out together, and he constantly wants to kiss you, rub you, grope you, and tells you he can't wait to get all naked,” then that person is probably only looking to hook up.
"If he is not talking to you about anything other than sex or making advances on you that are not playful, but outright sexual, he is only interested in one thing,” she adds. “If this is happening, ask him to stop [because] it makes you uncomfortable, and you'll notice he will stop talking, put on the big pout, maybe even stomp away. And that's a good thing.” If your partner gets bummed out by the idea of an actual connection with you, or if listening to you seems like too much work for them, then kick them to the curb. They can find somebody else to grope.
They May Only Want Sex If They’re Not Interested In Learning About You
If the person you’re seeing never asks you questions, then there’s probably a reason. "Either he wants to know about you and what makes you tick, or he doesn't," Stefanishyn says. "If his eyes glaze over every time you start talking about your love of knitting, if he always turns the subject back to how great he is at Call of Duty, or if it just never really feels like you have his full attention, then chances are, he's not interested in moving forward,” he clarifies. “If a man wants a relationship, he naturally wants to know who you are and what you are up to."
But being disinterested doesn’t necessarily make a “bad person.” Potentially, that just means you both don't have much more in common than your sexual chemistry. "It's a tough truth to hear, but from a man's perspective, when a woman doesn't have much ability to keep a conversation going or if she's only into partying or hanging out with friends, then the only thing he has left to be interested in is sex," Stefanishyn adds.
He does have some advice for how to make someone fall in love with you in the long run, though. “If you can't seem to keep the attention of your dream guy, or if you think all men only want sex, it might be time to broaden your horizons and get super interested in things you love,” Stefanishyn continues. “A good man who wants something deeper is always going to have a weak spot for a woman who is excited to be alive and passionate about her interests.”
They May Only Want Sex If They Make You Feel Guilt Or Shame
If you feel like you have sex with your partner in order to make them happy and that sex is a defining part of your relationship, that's a red flag. Ball explains, "If you start to feel that you need to give in to him and have sex to make him happy, he has successfully shamed you into sex, and that will not lead to a long-term relationship. Ever."
Additionally, the person who shames you into sex really guilts you for not giving in to them. "He wants some sort of acknowledgement or 'payment' for taking you out or spending his time with you. No one who wants to be with you long term wants guilt sex," she continues.
They May Only Want Sex If They Aren’t Confident
If someone doesn't even know themselves, then most likely, it's going to be hard for them to get to know you. “If a man has any intention of building a lasting relationship with an extraordinary princess, he must work on his relationship with himself by slaying the personal dragons holding him back from his full potential (since the princess will demand nothing less),” Stefanishyn says. “It's a level of responsibility many men aren't ready for.” When we go into a relationship, we want to be the best version of ourselves, and if your partner isn't there yet, it might not have anything to do with you.
I recently had this happen to me, when I got into a very whirlwind relationship with a guy who couldn't afford his apartment, didn't have a steady job, and felt really unsure about his career, finances, and family relationships. Eventually, our relationship fell apart because he didn't feel great about himself. "If there's no evidence he's working on his relationship with himself — through a combination of his health, his career, his passions, or internal dragon slaying — it's unlikely he's going to be able to shoulder the responsibility of a serious relationship," Stefanishyn adds.
They May Only Want Sex If They Don’t Make Time For You
When someone is interested in dating you, they’ll make time for you in your schedule. When someone is only interested in hooking up with you, then they’re make time for sex and nohting more. As dating coach and expert James Preece previously told Elite Daily, it's clear when someone is committed because they make you a priority in their life, and it’s just as clear when someone doesn’t make you a priority.
"If they choose to see you rather than spend time with their friends, you know things are going well," Preece said. "And if they’re willing to adjust their schedule to fit in time with you, then that's even better. That means they love being with you and feel most comfortable when you are together." But when they’re only scheduling sex sessions with you, then it’s clear that they’re setting the terms of the relationship, and that relationship is likely only a casual one.
They May Only Want Sex If They Say They Don’t Want A Relationship
This seems obvious, but as Stefanishyn points out, "It's an extremely common mistake women make.” Sometimes, we hear what we want to hear or hope that we can change people. But ultimately, you can't change who someone is or what they want. Stefanishyn adds, “The feminine story is to take a rough, unrefined bad boy and tame him ... The same general theme is present between Ana and Christian in 50 Shades of Grey. Love or hate it, it was the fastest selling novel of all time because it directly touched the feminine subconscious.”
Stefanishyn warns that you shouldn't try to change someone or their desires, no matter how tempting it is. "So when he says, 'I don't want a relationship,' she should take that statement seriously and not let her subconscious say, 'Perfect! Let’s tame him!' At that point, she's free to wish him well and carry on looking for what she wants," he says.
You should take people at their action and their word. If it seems like someone is only using you for sex, well, then they probably are. But if someone likes you, then it's easy to tell. A person who likes you will make sure you know that, because hey won't want you running off with someone else. Stefanishyn sums it up in one sentence: "If you want to be sure you are moving toward a meaningful relationship, then do not attempt to tame a wild and disinterested beast that has no plan of becoming a dragon-slaying hero."
Pursue the kind of love you deserve, and you’ll be sure to find it.
Mark Stefanishyn, dating expert
Susan Ball, self-love activist and author
James Preece, dating coach and expert
Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.
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