10 Reasons Why I Hate Couples, Even Though I'm A Part Of One


Being around other couples when you're part of a couple is kind of like how you feel after eating diet chocolate cookies -- it's just not as fun. You'd rather be with your couple, doing your version of the same thing.

Or maybe, the other couple is just impossibly happy and it completely f*cks with your head after you just had an irrational fight about cleaning the microwave.

It may be hypocritical, but you can't help those pesky feelings; you love your partner, no question about it. It's every other duo you'd just "rather not" with.

Oh gosh, I totally do that, you recognize with dread as two people share ice cream cones on a park bench.

F*ck that too, as you glance at two people publicly drunk fighting outside the bar.

Couples' sh*t. It's everywhere.

And yet, you're the one to blame. You contribute to this epidemic. You wrote a detailed “Happy Birthday” comment underneath your celebratory Instagram.

You have shows you exclusively watch together and you come up with cover-ups as to why you can't watch them with your buddies.

And, even worse, you try to rationalize that you are not like that. You are not that couple. You hate that couple. That couple is the worst.

The two of them only wear cardigans they swapped one night in bed together and never bothered to switch back.

They take together selfies in sushi restaurants. You're not that couple and you've worked hard to maintain that restraint.

It's betrayal, guys. Betrayal of your own kind. But we get it. We all feel this way sometimes. It's nice being part of a couple and not anyone else's. Kind of like how parents feel about other parents' kids.

Hey, it's better than being the Double Date harassers!

Call us insecure, call us the social faux-pas buttholes of love, but know we're coping with it. We're trying to work it out. One day there will be a time when we appreciate two people together who are not us.

Here's why you're part of a couple but can't stand other couples:

1. You realize you're not unique

When they're eating off each other's plates and sharing dishes and touching each other's backs, it makes you realize the cute things you do with your partner aren't soooo you guys. They're soooo everybody, guys.

2. Any dinner plans you make wind up being a 20+ person affair

You love when Bae is your plus one, but you hate when it's everyone else's. You even love calling bae bae and hate it when other people use the same expression too -- that's yours! You and your boo are a party; too many people and their boos are a crowd.

3. Because hot damn, you don't want to be a fan of love, but it's just so fun!

You never thought you'd be ogling pajama sets around Christmas or planning your Wednesday evenings around his band's recital.

But you do and you love it so much you could buy it a pair of matching boxers.

4. Together selfies (togelfies?) are borderline offensive

In the wise words of Regina George, “Stop trying to make fetch happen, it's just not going to happen.”

5. Because you don't want to think you look like that, too

Barfy-looking couple things that make other couples question their own behaviors:

- Simultaneously working out and checking each other out - Delivery and ordering deliberations - Gift giving - Kissy, mushy goodbyes - Kissy, mushy hellos - Coy phone talk - Beach Instagrams - Referring to themselves as “we”

6. You feel totally happy, and yet every other couple makes you question your happiness

It's human nature to compare ourselves to others. And guess what? There's always going to be a couple who is more fashionable, happy, good at fighting, high functioning, great at holding their liquor and/or beer pong than you two.

It doesn't mean you two are just as fun and happy and special in your own way. It's not a game of gains and losses. Every couple moves at its own pace and is in its own place.

7. You're reminded that you really do care about someone else

Ugh, there you go, thinking about your beloved again. You're part of a duo now and that's a scary feeling.

Who wants to be reminded of having such a fragile heart like that all the time?

8. Been there, done that: Other couples' problems bore you

You don't really care to listen to how much they hate each other's in-laws or how awful the weekend of the family reunion is going to be.

You've been there. You hated it, too. And you're not trying to relive it with everyone else.

9. You want them to pay for you, too!

Third-wheeling never sucked so hard as when the bill comes and you're stuck having to fork over your share as you enviously watch one partner pay for the duo.

Or wait patiently to order your drink separately from the bartender. Hey, moneybags, help another sister out and we'll give you polite points in exchange. Seems fair.

10. Because it makes you appreciate all the love

You're not the only ones in love and while this is sometimes frustrating (why are all the good dinner date spots always filled at 8 pm for 2?!), it's also a beautiful and comforting thing. There's hope for your relationship and the joint-life ahead.