As a dame who dabbled quite frequently in the “casual dating” scene in her younger years, I can confidently say that men are fools. Not to be offensive, but it just boggles my mind that basically none of them have figured us gals out. Exploiting the nature of the female mind isn’t normally my style, but quite frankly I am fed up with the way that certain women portray themselves.
Abstinence is of the past. People are more likely to bone on the first date than they are to commit to buying a pair of jeans. Years of listening to females pine over a guy with the IQ of a tortoise has led me to plenty of wine-induced comas, but also to the realization that I’d get more action than any of you all (that is, if I had a penis).
The following guide comes from years of dealing with douchebags as well as the few kinder male souls, who proved to be too sensitive to even take seriously. This is not intended to birth a romantic relationship — it’s intended to help you get laid. Giving up this information is my personal peace treaty to males in exchange for the few broken hearts and very damaged egos I caused in the last decade. Truce.
So, guys, just follow these 5 basic instructions and you will get laid.
1. Don’t Play Games
Females are not FIFA. Even the teenyboppers are over the games, so why are you still doing it? Flirting with their friend or playing hard to get will not seal the deal, especially if we’re talking about winning a girl over in the midst of happy hour. I understand being aloof is built into your male DNA, but if you actually make a girl feel like you WANT to be spend your Wednesday night listening to her talk about her Instagram while she’s chugging a house Chard, you will win, my friend.
2. Pick A Winner
A classy girl’s rule of thumb consists of accentuating ONE of her following assets: boobs, ass or stomach… not all three. While picking out the random you want to bang at closing time, go for the hat trick. A girl sporting a toddler-sized crop top with a mini skirt in the dead of winter is more than likely to be your best bet. Remember, it’s not like we’re looking for the future Mrs. You.
3. Open Her Door
Guys, I can’t even fathom why I actually have to spell this out. Any open door leads to an open bedroom. A guy who opens the car door for his female companion (or her companions) will likely open her legs at the end of the night.
Be the guy who opens her car door, lets her settle into her seat and closes the door gently. This simple act will make her swoon and, inevitably, end up in your favor. For the simple-minded, this relates to doors at bars, restaurants, house parties, clubs, you know - anywhere that has a door. For the mathematicians, open doors = open legs.
4. Seduce Her Mind
Confidence is the paintbrush in the art of seduction — a necessary tool, if you will. First impressions are everything here. Confidence should be the cologne with which you suffocate everyone at the bar, not an Armani knockoff. Girls gravitate toward confidence just as much as they do toward sexy. The beauty in this is you don't have to be a “tall drink of water” to succeed.
Simple things, like eye contact and body language, are what separate the men from the boys. After you pick a winner, approach her with a powerful stride and TELL her you’re buying her next drink. So this is your golden ticket. You make those difficult choices for her vodka-soaked mind and I bet she won’t fight it when you tell her she’s going home with you.
5. Act The Part
I appreciate that conversation isn’t important given the true issue at hand, but do you think Frank Sinatra and James Dean got laid by grabbing every ass that crossed their paths? The answer is no, because they were gentlemen. Faking chivalry is like faking an orgasm — everybody wins. Offer your hand when she steps from a curb to the street… trust me, heels can be tricky little bitches.
Acting like you would actually care if she fell flat on her face will justify her giving up the goods without knowing your last name. If you can stop acting like a pig for a night, I’m confident you can still bring home the bacon.
You still aren’t a gentleman nor the next Hugh Hefner, but hey— no one’s perfect. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I’m sure it was one hell of a party.
Disclaimer: Use precaution while hunting for a nightcap; the single female is a ferocious species.