It's no secret that when I'm single, I like to troll bars alone and flirt with other single girl creatures.
However, when I'm out with friends, I don't talk to anyone.
Like, I'm fucking dancing with my friends, so will you leave me alone, you relentless asshole? Like, can you NOT TELL THAT I'm drunkenly rehashing a huge fight I had in high school with my best friend right now and this conversation has been building inside both of us for a decade, and working through this is pivotal to the future of our friendship, you creep? Like, I never get to HANG OUT with my beloved friends, so let me bond in peace, you annoying stage-five clinger.
In short: I'm a huge bitch when I'm at a bar with my friends. I don't like intruders. I don't like to be bothered.
And to be perfectly honest, I don't even notice hot women because I'm hooked into the energy of my friends.
But when I'm alone, I'm sweeter than five yellow packets of Splenda. I'll talk to anyone.
I came to find this talent of mine when I lived in London in my early 20s and didn't have friends. At a certain point, I got pretty tired of chain-smoking cigarettes while watching depressing documentaries on the BBC in my depressing flat. So, I went to the pub alone.
I didn't think that was something I would ever do, but that's the way everything works.
"I'll never do THAT!" we say when we're young and dumb and gorgeous and haven't been through rough shit yet. We'll "never do that" until there isn't another option.
And the next thing we know, we're sitting pretty at a bar, totally alone, surrounded by new, hot people and thinking to ourselves, "Damn, girl. Well done. This might be even better than going out with friends. CAN I GET A 'YAS QUEEN'? YAS."
The first time I realized how much better it is to flirt at bars alone than with your "crew," I had no idea I was going to get hit on so much. Like I said, I was sad and I was lonely, so I brought a book to the bar and held court in the dark corner closest to the exit. Within minutes, I was in a teeming sea of eager suitors.
"What are you reading?"
"That looks like a RIVETING book. What's it about?"
"It's pretty cool that you're alone at the bar reading."
Who knew books and being free of company was the sexiest combination I had ever accidentally stumbled into?
So, it became my new thing. I would grab a "riveting" book, head to the bar, order a glass of wine and let them come to me.
And in my research, I found the best time of year to do this was in the fall. There is a flirting energy in the fall that's so powerful, you can feel it the moment you step into a drinking establishment.
Here are the reasons why:
Because everyone is out of "The Hamptons" and back in "The City."
Look, it doesn't have to be "The Hamptons" because contrary to popular belief, I DO realize there is a huge, massive world outside of New York City. I'm using The Hamptons as a metaphor for whatever pretty place people like to summer vacation wherever you live.
Maybe it's the Jersey Shore, maybe it's Myrtle Beach, maybe it's the South of France or maybe it's MARS. Don't know, don't care.
Any city is a ghost town in the summer. Even if you live in the suburbs (and even I've had a stint in the suburbs), people are scattered across the country, slathering their pale bodies in tanning oil and using up those PTO days.
But in the fall, the beautiful truth is, everyone is back in town, baby! That means the bars are teeming with more viable options for you, single girl (or cute gay boy).
I love this time of year because there is a really amazing reunion energy in the bars. We're all back in business, fresh-faced, feeling cozy in our chunky knit sweaters and over-the-knee black boots, and we're in town again, honey.
It's sort of like "back to school" season, except not horrible, and there's booze. And the more people in the bar, the more likely you're going to see one you find attractive.
Because fireplaces make everyone more civilized.
There is something about being drunk at a beach bar that releases our inner animal and makes us go totally wild. Trust me, I was sipping on a lot of frozen cocktails at a lot of beach bars this summer, and I saw a lot of things that I can never unsee.
And while I'm a still a rebellious teen at heart who craves wreaking unnecessary havoc, by the time the summer ends, all I want is something prim and civilized and pretty.
I'm not the only one. The moment the beautiful mauve colored leaves hit the steel pavement, we flock in droves to the cozy pub. And it's not a cozy pub without a ~fireplace~, is it?
Something about the magnetic, face-warming heat of a fireplace just makes people want to behave. Maybe subconsciously it brings back memories of sitting in our darling grandparents' living room on Christmas morning, feeling sweet and innocent and just wanting to be the precious, smug children that never do anything wrong. I don't know.
Whatever the reason, the hard truth is, we're just more civilized when we're cuddled up around a fireplace. And it's best to go out alone when everyone is feeling polite and well-mannered.
People are more likely to come up to you and shake your hand rather than stumble over you and vomit on your designer shoes.
So that's a good start, isn't it?
Because everyone is more bold in leather.
You know what my favorite part of fall is? It's ~leather weather~ darlings. I'm a vulnerable kitten in my summer whites, but the moment I throw my badass black leather jacket over that innocent little dress, I totally and completely transform.
I feel bold. I feel outspoken. I walk differently. My sex drive skyrockets. I'm much more likely to get hit on by a hot entity in the corner of the bar when I have a leather jacket there to protect me.
Because leather is dense. And nothing can cut through leather, not even rejection.
So, put your leather jacket on and head straight to the bar by yourself. You'll actually be more inclined to talk to people, and you'll look hot because leather is kinky (even when it's from Gap).
Because people are just feeling more romantic.
We're in a hookup state of mind in the summer. You go to a bar by yourself in the summer, and no matter how profound what you have to say is, no one wants to talk to you (I care, and YOU care, but the world isn't like the rest of us).
People want to salaciously make out on the dance floor. The masses want to collect phone numbers and delete them in the morning because something about all that Vitamin D makes us turn into vile monsters.
Yet in the fall, the temperatures drop, and we start to feel gorgeously romantic again. The cold weather makes us fucking warm inside, man.
Maybe it's because we're not showing so much skin, or maybe it's because we're sipping the red wine and not chugging back the tequila. It's almost gross how romantic fall is (gag). But that's good! You're more likely to talk with people instead of just lock lips and leave them.
Because you look really hot in that sweater.
Between the fireplace and your new mohair sweater, you're looking kind of hot. Like, actually hot.
You have little beads of sweat on your forehead. And we suddenly can't help but imagine you peeling that sweater off, which is a total tease. It pulls us in. A prim sweater is the ultimate seduction.
So put on your sweater, strap on your boots and head to the bar alone.