17 Ridiculous Excuses Men Will Use So They Don't Have To Wear Condoms

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It was months ago when it happened. I honestly didn’t know how to react; I was so caught off-guard.

He had taken me to a dazzling evening on the boardwalk. We had gotten the rowdy kind of drunk with friends, smoked hookah outside and teased each other with eye f*cks all night. I still had $60 left in my wallet and hadn’t thrown up yet. I was happy.

It quickly turned into that pivotal moment of the group date when people start pairing off and going back to the hotel together. We pretended like we were oblivious to the palpable sexual energy building as we inched closer and closer to being alone together. The suspension lingered in the air. Just how I like it.

Disclaimer: If you are my Mom, Dad, or know what my baby pictures look like, you should probably stop reading now.

He had a room. An upgraded suite. I knew where this was going, and I had mixed feelings about it. The apparent cheesiness of going back to the white bed hotel quarters (albeit luxury) was a turn-off to us both.

“Just come with me,” he said, taking my hand and leading us into the hotel’s direction.

I hated myself and loved myself at the same time. I had only known him for a few weeks and I found his douche-factor to be both feigned and attractive. (Weird, I know.)

The way he so assuredly eased into strangers’ lives made me wary. And yet, here was a dark and gorgeous and smart man wanting to share his massive, clean bedroom with me. That’s not an offer I’m going to pass on.

The key fit the lock. The door opened. He preceded me to the corridor bedroom with a trail of kisses. I lay down on my back and tilted my head towards the ceiling for a moment of clarity.

I was mentally building up a case for why we needed to use condoms, compiling all of the reasons, so that I was prepared for when the moment came.

It sounds incredulous, but it’s the truth: According to the Journal of Sex Research, 80 percent of men have tried to resist putting on condoms. Since when did it become okay -- or the norm even -- to forego using protection?

Why are intelligent and safe girls like myself made to feel bad or ridiculous when we suggest the intelligent and safe way to have sex? Why did I feel the need to take myself out of the moment before it had even begun to think about what I was going to say to ensure this went my way?

Because we’re tempted by a man’s seductive words, caught up in the desire. We’re afraid to be called a prude or a bitch or -- worse -- be left totally alone.

I had gotten to the I’m-uncomfortable-not-using-one-and-I-forgot-to-take-my-birth-control stage when things started to really heat up. It was time for my speech.

“One sec,” he said, reaching past my head for his wallet on the nightstand. Oh great, he thinks I’m paid for this. My eyes searched for the door.

Crinkle, crackle, crinkle. ... Fresh bills?

“I’m allergic to latex,” he admitted while opening a familiar SKYN wrapper. “But I think these are better anyway.”

I was in shock. No fight. No awkward, “You’re so sexy; Why don’t you trust me?” excuses. Not even the suggestion that he can pull-out instead.

He had whispered, “I want you” while nibbling my ear on our walk back from the boardwalk. He bragged about his workout classes and dwelled in upscale hotel suites. This wasn’t the type of guy to volunteer wrapping up his dick in thick layers of lambskin.

And still, here was one man, out of that mere 20 percent, who not only chose to, but also insisted on, using condoms. I almost wanted to poke a hole in it, just because he felt like such a keeper.

While this story has a happy ending (pun totally intended), I’m sad to report that it’s not usually how it goes down (as evidenced by my own shock when a man actually suggested we use one. The sheer fact that I was surprised by the gesture is pretty messed up and gross as well).

Men are just as susceptible to contracting STDs as women, but are soooo much more opposed and nonchalant about putting on the rubbers. What is up with you guys?

Ten minutes of barebacking it is not worth the eighteen years of child support. You will still finish, while those extra minutes you’ll spend thrusting with a condom on still won’t get us off.

I later learned that my partner’s deliberate condom use stemmed from his own previous experiences. He vowed to be careful and safe every time because, "You really never know who you’re sleeping with."

"So are you saying you don’t trust me? But I’m completely disease-free. And I’m on birth control. And you’re so sexy... I just want to do it now.”   Ugh.

Here are all the excuses guys use to not wear a condom, and why you should never, ever believe them.

"I can't keep it up if I wear one."

That sounds like a problem for you. Why are you expecting us to fix it?

"It doesn't fit; I'm too big."

If you're too big for condoms, then you're probably too big to fit inside our vaginas. This, of course, is assuming that you actually have the size you claim. In which case, how do you go running?

"I can't feel it. There's no sensation."

What about those magical love sparks? You can't feel those? How about that wonderful sensation when we kiss?! Are you telling me that isn't real?!

"I'm clean though -- completely STD-free."

That's really reassuring.

"I’m really good at pulling out, like, most of the time."

Is that supposed to be comforting?

"I'll pay for the Plan B."

Is that really the only thing you are worried about?

"But I love you." (After just one night.)

Ew, gross. Take it back. TAKE IT BACK!

...Really?

"I'm pro-choice."

Well good for you! But since when did pro-choice also mean pro-not-using-condoms? We're super glad that men are, once again, making judgments about women's bodies.

"I promise you won’t make me finish. You're not that hot."

Thanks.

"There's always the butt..."

Points for creativity, though.

[INSERT DRAKE LYRIC HERE]

Wow, deep. Unlike your package.

"I don't have any."

That may be true, but it still won't get you anywhere.

"You're my first!"

This will never happen for you.

"You can't get pregnant if you’re on top."

PSA: YES, YOU TOTALLY CAN! #Mansplaining

"I wanna make a baby with you."

Well, this took a very unexpected turn.

"Don't you trust me?"

Especially not now.

"You're so sexy, let's just do it baby."

This isn't a Judd Apatow movie. We know how this ends.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It