Perhaps you’ve been reading too much “Men’s Health” and not enough Cosmo. Or maybe you’ve been gravely misled by your jerk-off-into-a-sock frat brothers.
Either way, someone has been funneling you bad information about getting a woman off and you need to know how to turn her back on.
Orgasms are like knock-off handbags, it’s hard to spot a real from a fake... and most women aren’t ashamed of them. There’s a party going on, but not everyone is coming.
Men, we’re sorry to break the news to you, but your questionable moves during sex need to end. Here are the 27 things that guys do in bed that leave us girls with no choice but to fake it.
1. When you release your entire body weight on us
Look, we understand that it gets tiring being on top the whole time, but when you rest your entire body weight on us, you’re actually crushing our ribs with your whale humping.
Try using those biceps you bragged about earlier to prop yourself up or just let us have our turn. We can’t feel anything down there when all we feel is our air supply being cut off.
2. When you keep asking, "Is this good for you?"
It probably was until you called our attention to it. But now that you mention it, you know what would be better? Shutting the f*ck up.
3. When you’re a one-position wonder
Getting us to orgasm is kind of like a “Dancing with the Stars” competition -- if you lack the moves and versatility, then you’re not going to score. Be like a non-profit organization and DO SOMETHING.
4. When you're jack-hammering our lady bits
Are you trying to break ground in our vaginas? You’re not going to strike gold pounding us like a chicken. Remember, we’re going to need those parts to make babies one day.
5. When you're gripping our asses like a Formula One car seat
When you said we'd be in for the ride of our lives, we didn't think you were serious.
6. When your dirty talk actually makes us feel dirty
You: Oooh, baby, you like that? Us: Yeah, mmmm. (Not really.) You: You like it when I hit it backwards like it’s “The Land Before Time.” Us: Wait, what?
7. When your breath smells
Those pants of excitement aren’t helping the situation. It’s like in the cartoons when green stench rolls out of your mouth. Ugh, we’re losing our lady boners just thinking about it.
8. When you’re chafing us
If sh*t starts to feel a little dry down there, this isn’t your cue to try and warm it back up. In fact, it’s probably time for a water break.
9. When you're consistently 2 inches off the target
Uhhh, why are you rubbing our belly buttons right now?
10. When you’ve got "the clap"
AKA your parts are making smacking noises worse than the gum-chewer in the library. We know we’re great in bed, but you don’t need to clap for us.
11. When you’re using our vaginas like a sandbox
Seriously, what are you digging for? And since when were toys included?
12. When you keep asking us to say your name
You should probably just go f*ck Destiny’s Child.
13. When our group chat is blowing up more than our arousal
If there’s more action going on in the virtual world, then you need to fix the reality of the situation.
14. When you don’t make any sound at all
Oooh, listening to the bed creak is soooo sexy. The only time we welcome silence in bed is when “Homeland” is on.
15. When you’re not doing anything
Would you show up to a meeting unprepared? Then why are you acting like there isn’t any work to be done? Throw us a friggin’ bone, here! Literally.
16. When you’re trying to juice us
We may have melons, but that doesn’t mean they’re ripe for a fresh squeeze.
17. When you’re having a staring contest
No one wins in the end.
18. When you play K-Ci and JoJo in the background
Bad music is an instant mood killer. We’re trying to get it on, not on the dancefloor.
19. When you won’t stop saying “Hi”
If you don’t have anything to say, we’d prefer you say nothing at all instead of greeting us. Pretty sure we exchanged pleasantries at the beginning of the night, no need to say “Hello” again, we’re still here.
20. When going to sleep sounds more satisfying
You want to f*ck us all night long? That’s nice. Maybe do something to keep us awake.
21. When you’re clearly overtired
We’ll throw in the towel before this turns into a full-on SoulCycle class.
22. When you promise you won’t finish until we do
(LOL.) Shall we race then?
23. When we just want you off us
The time-ticking is distracting, sh*t's getting complicated down there and we’re becoming less turned on by you and more by the leftovers waiting for us in the fridge.
Just like the men we’re sleeping with, they can’t all be winners.
24. When you don’t seem more interesting than an episode of “Scandal”
We can watch Olivia Pope make out with Jake and get just as turned on.
25. When you think our ears double as ice cream cones
A little nibble, a little flicker of tongue -- all good things. A little swirly in our ears like we’re one big giant toilet bowl -- not so much.
26. When there’s no foreseeable end
Giving us a successful orgasm through sexual intercourse alone is a complicated, difficult task (Side note: Hi, Mom and Dad!).
When we’ve had enough attempts at trying, we’ll take one for the team and pretend like it’s more satisfying than $10 nail salon chair massages.
27. When you’re a porn star and it’s your job
Fake it ‘till you make it, so to speak.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It