I'm not really sure you could ever comprehend how much I hate you at this moment in time. I thought you were the person I would grow old with, have children with and love for the rest of my life.
Well, that last part still holds true. It's been over a year since you broke up with me, but it still feels like yesterday that I heard you whisper “I love you” into my ear. It took me a long time to find days I wouldn't cry over you.
There are so many times I stop what I'm doing and think back to a time when we shared a moment similar to the one I'm in at the moment. But now, I'm alone.
It took me at least nine months to lessen the “maybe I should just text him and tell him how I still feel” feeling. Honestly, even now, it hasn't fully passed.
I have spent so many hours lying in my room, lying on the couch and lying to myself about what happened between us.
Of course, I have gone through my fair share of rebounds over the last 15 months. I've just been searching for the one person who resembles you the most.
A few have had your eyes. Some have had your smile. One even had the same laugh you do. But none of them were you.
Recently, I've met someone who treats me like I'm the only girl in the world. He makes me laugh. He always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, and he never lets me feel unwanted.
I thought I was happy, and I do believe I am sometimes.
For some reason, a few days ago, you were on my mind. I thought I would see what you've been up to on Facebook. If I had known what I would find from simply clicking your name, I would take it all back without a second thought.
She's beautiful, but I'm sure you already know that. Your smile in a few of those pictures seems so unfamiliar to me now. I haven't seen it in so long.
I thought I was fine until I saw you standing next to this woman who wasn't me. But suddenly, all the hurt I had felt for so long hit me like a freight train.
Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying to you. If you ever did want me back, I wouldn't allow myself to fall because I can't handle that same level of hurt you caused me the first time.
Just know that you ruined me and what I feel a relationship should be. You ruined my first kisses with any man I will meet in the future. You ruined dancing in the rain, and you ruined what “I love you” is supposed to mean.
I can see you're happy, and I'm sorry if I made you feel anything less than that. But I also hope she rips your heart out of your chest, so that you feel like dying is the only way to make the hurt stop.
I still have my days when I think of you, and I hate myself for whatever I did to hurt you. I have my days when I miss what we had, and there are still plenty of days when I want to text you to see how you're doing.
I also have days where I'm thankful for the man I have. I'm grateful that I know what it was like to love someone as hard as I did, and to know what it feels like to lose the person I thought I would grow old with.
You weren't him, and I wasn't her. Maybe now, we both have a chance to experience true happiness. At least, I'll be happy if I ever stop hating you.
I hope things are going well.
Sincerely, I loved you more than she ever will