The Hilarious Emotional Roller Coaster Of Having An Awkward One-Night Stand

by Jamie LeeLo
Alexey Kuzma

One-night stands. A rite of passage into... what? Adulthood? College? A stepping stone to finding true love?

Mmmm... nah.

Mostly, one-night stands are just a short thrill. Some of us are into them, some of us aren't.

Ya know, it's kind of like riding roller coasters — they're kind of exciting and kind of scary, and they only come around every once in a while.

Having a one-night stand can be an adrenaline rush just as much as plummeting to your doom while strapped into a rickety, plastic seat over a roller coaster can be, except with the added emotional journey of being naked and vulnerable with a stranger, but also paranoid enough to wonder if secretly they're going to rob your apartment or turn out to be a serial killer.

Don't look at me like that, you know what I'm talking about.

Here is what it's like to ride the emotional roller coaster of a one-night stand:

Phase one: The "I'd hit that" part

At some point in the night, you're going to realize you are sexually attracted to a stranger. Keep your eye out for this because it is how you know you've just gotten on the ride.

Right now, you're still in your little seat going up, up, up the first hill on the emotional roller coaster, but damn, girl. You are definitely on your way.

Keep your legs, arms and vaginas inside the compartment. It's about to get bumpy.

Keep your legs, arms and vaginas inside the compartment. It's about to get bumpy.

Phase two: The "I deserve this" part

You've established you're really digging this stranger. Next, you're going to talk yourself into going home with them.

You wonder if this is a bad idea, but you know what? You've had a long week. Don't you deserve a little tension release? Hasn't it been too long? Aren't you in your prime?! God damn it, you're getting laid tonight if it's the last thing you do!

Take a good look around because this is the last view you'll see before corkscrewing (GET IT?! SCREWING?!) your way to the boom-boom room.

Phase three: The "I'm going for it!" part

Oh boy, no looking back now. You've gone home with this person who was a stranger, like, five minutes ago, and now you're going at it.

You're officially soaring down the first loop on that roller coaster, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Better to just throw your arms in the air and surrender because... sexy time? Here you come, whether you're ready or not.

Phase four: The actual sex part

Now, depending on your own personal roller coaster threshold, this might consist of lots of straight up and downs, some twirly, whirly parts or just lots and lots of shaking. And then your neck hurts when it's over.

Whatever this sexy roller coaster consists of, it's probably best to close your eyes and just enjoy the ride.

Phase five: The "maybe that was a bad idea" part

Metaphorically speaking, this is the part where the big drop is over, and you just got your photo taken making a somehow hilarious, embarrassing and inspiring face (*cough* orgasm *cough*). And now, you're nauseous from all the loops.

Physically speaking, your orgasm probably sobered you up. And now, you're left with a naked stranger in bed next to you. Oof. You're kind of uncomfortable.

If you knew it was going to make you feel like this, maybe you would have never gotten in line.

Phase six: The "God, please let them just pass out so we don't have to make small talk" part

Please don't let them be a cuddler. Please don't let them be a cuddler. Please don't let them be a cuddler.

All you want now is your own space, some peace and quiet and, like, a seltzer water to sip on. You're not feeling your best.

Phase seven: The morning after part

Usually, when you get off a roller coaster, everyone looks WAY different than when they got on.

Looking at your one-night stand might be a shocker in the morning, and catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror might reveal a very different image than what you remember putting out there before you got on the ride — erm — went out to the bar the night before.

Just don't make eye contact, and make your way to the closest bathroom.

Phase eight: The "goodbye forever" part.

Whenever it's time to get off the ride, it's time to GET OFF.

Ugh, god. I'm so good at these puns.

The best part about one-night stands and roller coasters? They only come around once in a while, and the adrenaline rush usually carries you until the next one. No need to jump back in line right away.

One thing I can guarantee? You're about to have the best sleep of your life tonight now that THAT'S over.