Ah, the good, old-fashioned one-night stand. We've all had embarrassing-as-hell one-night stands (are one-night stands ever not embarrassing?).
I have had many despicable one-night stands (that's probably why I've been shying away from them lately). One time, my one-night stand ended up turning into a year-long hookup situation. I fell for him, he didn't fall for me back and the whole thing was a giant clusterfuck.
But that, I'd say, was out of the ordinary. You have your typical one-night stands, which usually go a little something like this: Two people get insanely drunk, bang each other's brains out and then never speak to each other again because they're too scarred by the intimate experience they just shared.
And hey, I get it. It's kind of hard to get to know someone backwards. Like, let's say you two go out for coffee after banging -- how do you try to stay focused on details about each other's lives without picturing each other butt naked?
Anyway, here are nine people on their most embarrassing one-night stands:
This guy was way too clingy.
So, I went out for margaritas at this apartment super far away from my apartment. Like it took me so long to get there. I was meeting a friend from Hoboken so I had to meet her kind of close to her. I met this guy (who was not cute and really annoying) while basically blackout drunk and didn't want to take the subway home so I invited him over. We had sex which I barely remember but I do remember he had a decent dick. I left him asleep in my apartment in the morning (I had work) with a note saying to make sure the door was fully closed when he left. He texted me a few weeks later trying to hook up again in a really unattractive and gross manner so I told him to stop texting me. Yes, I have a screenshot.
-- Allison*, 25
It sucks when your walk of shame is way too memorable.
I had a one-night stand on a work night. It was totally unplanned and midweek, but hey -- liquor does that. I woke up the next morning, realizing I was way up the Upper West Side and with only my outfit on from the night before. This wouldn't have mattered if my outfit wasn't a dramatic white tulle skirt and tiny crop top that everyone had noticed the day before in the office. There was no way I could borrow my one-night stand's clothes as that would be even worse. I had to go to work again in the dramatic outfit, with mascara all down my face, reeking of booze. Of course I got called out within minutes and couldn't even deny it.
-- Vanessa*, 30
This dude's dick was too big.
Freshman year of college I met this smokin' hot senior at a big Halloween party. The next night, he picked me up from my dorm on his motorcycle (so wild, I know) and took me back to his place. I was super impressed with his pad. His room was super clean and he had some sick furniture. He poured me a glass of wine and I basically couldn't handle it. I guess that's how you literally charm the pants off a freshman girl. Anyway, it turned out this guy's dick was way too big so we couldn't really do it. Still a super fun and memorable night, but I never saw him again!
-- Carly*, 23
USE A CONDOM, PEOPLE.
I got chlamydia.
-- Jason*, 25
Just ghost your one-night stand, like this girl did.
I went out for my best friend's birthday and got super drunk and went home with one of her college friends. I woke in his apartment the next morning, I left before he woke up and never talked to him after that. Savage.
-- Brittany*, 20
Don't sleep with religious freaks...
One really hipster guy I didn't know was religious (Jewish) got really paranoid and guilty after sleeping with me and started showing me YouTube videos about the coming of the Messiah and the virtues of a celibate life and then panicked and threw all the condoms away right after sex and disappeared (for a while).
-- Candice*, 26
...or racist people.
This guy was a Jewish kid from Westchester who had a nose ring and seemed very liberal and obsessed with non-white girls and after we slept together, he turned out to be racist AF. He said: "Every culture has a smell. Like Asian girls have a certain smell. Indian girls have a certain smell. You just know. You have a smell." But my only smell was Chloe [the perfume], so IDK...
-- Neetu*, 27
If you're going to have a one-night stand, do it on Halloween.
It was Halloween and my friend invited me to party hop downtown. I put together a slutty cat costume -- the go-to for costume-less girls everywhere -- and we met up at a bar. After a ton of tequila, I started chatting up this male ballerina with "Black Swan" makeup. I don't remember ever being so into men in tights before, but I remember fantasizing about ripping off his leotard and seeing if he was packing underneath the tutu. He ended up taking me back to his hotel room and things got heated real quick. Knowing that I'd never see him again (I live in NY and he was just visiting from the West Coast), I let my inner Black Swan freak flag fly. No Oscar necessary, because that shit was no performance. As I was leaving, I realized that my kitty costume (which consisted of essentially a corset and booty shorts) got really fucked up and had questionable stains on it. Being the gentleman he was, he gave me his tutu (!!!) to wear home. Long story short: Wearing a nearly-transparent tutu on the train at 7 am will get you some LOOKS. But it makes for a good story, I guess.
-- Yasmine*, 24
And I almost made my one-night stand cry.
I went to my neighbor's Halloween party and met her brother. He had this whole John Mayer thing going on so I talked to him all night. One thing led to another, we both got drunk AF and I took him upstairs to my apartment to bang him while his sister's party was still going on right underneath us. He slept over and that morning, he wanted to have sex again, but I told him I don't have sex with strangers in the daylight. I guess that pissed him off pretty badly because he whimpered like a sad puppy, told me my room looks "dismal" and then left.
-- Sheena, 25
* Name has been changed.