Sex: Everyone wants it, is trying to get it or is thinking about it. It’s everywhere: on our phones, our laptops, walking down the street in that short skirt or glistening in a sweaty tee at the gym.
No matter how much you try not to think about it, you still do. Usually, that’s a good thing. No, it’s awesome. Having a healthy sexual appetite assists in positive attitudes, better circulation and a much happier demeanor.
Men generally have much, much, MUCH higher sex drives than women. But that’s not to say we ladies are shy about expressing our interest.
But what happens to women who’ve had kids and aren’t -- for good reason -- feeling very sexual?
A recent article in Salon Magazine highlighted the frustrations of a woman who had given birth and lost all interest in having sex. She thought her desire would come back.
She had plenty of dreams where arousal and fantasy played a role (with a vibrator rather than a man) but could not bring herself to have sex with anyone she was dating. The author figured it would take some time. (After all, pushing a child out of your vagina doesn’t exactly scream, "Come take me from behind!")
However, by the end of the article, she has come to the conclusion that the need to be sexually satisfied won’t ever return. More importantly, she decided she was totally fine with that.
Bearing children brings about an overwhelming sense of emotion, from insecurity about a new body to stress and general exhaustion. (Oh, and that screaming ball of poop that requires your attention every second of the day also puts a damper on things.)
Who has time for sex when you’re so busy working, cleaning and breastfeeding? There’s no chance for romance or intimacy. Of course, sex doesn’t have to be all candles and mood music; a mid-afternoon quickie would do just fine.
Society puts a ton of pressure on women to be mothers, maids, chefs and porn stars. It certainly isn’t easy balancing a million different things, and having the desire for sex can easily fade.
Most women -- I say this as a generalization, of course -- are emotional about sex. Our brains are constantly thinking about this and that. For example, what does my ass look like in the air, and does he feel that stubble?
It’s hard to separate being in the moment and enjoying sex from the hormonal imbalances that come with childbirth. Do we cry, do we laugh or do we moan with pleasure?
This jumble of emotions is confusing, and will no doubt affect the choice to bang it out or to just pass out. All of these considerations don’t have to come with an explanation. Women should not have to feel uncomfortable because their sex drive has diminished, nor should they come with a disclaimer that reads, “Pushed baby out. Do not enter.”
Sexual intimacy is crucial in a relationship. It can bring two partners closer together and ease the problems that come with having a newborn, or it can create a huge gap if the focus is solely directed toward the baby.
Either way, putting pressure on a woman to meet certain expectations shortly after childbirth can be traumatizing. We shouldn’t set guidelines for what a woman “needs” to feel.
Having a child not only changes basically everything about your life and your spouse’s life, it also changes you emotionally, physically and sexually. Add sleepless nights, leaky boobs and the fact that you’re probably snapping at your husband into the mix, and you don't really have the formula for hot sex.
Returning to a sense of normalcy will be difficult, but every woman has her own pace. A little patience, a little time and, sometimes, a little booty grab, will go a long way.